마음으로

beautiful.

collect call

perfect for rainy weather.

Sometimes i'm scared. I'm scared to take. I question intentions when I'm take. There's no such thing as unconditional in my books. I fear the sound of your heart breaking when you realize there's no way i will ever give back. My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to matters of the heart. I've been saying no time and again. My fear of taking traps me in my house.

I don't know who I am, nor do i know what I want. So i decide that since I have no idea who it is i'm looking for, I shouldn't even try. Why try when I don't like them anyway? I hang out with friends, perfectly happy that my love life has completely shut down. I used to anticipate the arrival of flashy cars at my doorstep, the person driving them offering expensive meals and even more expensive gifts. I used to skip to the bus stop, heart fluttering at the thought of the handsome charmer I'd be watching a movie with, a few streets away. I used to say yes just because I didn't want to be making the mistake of a lifetime by saying no.

I don't anymore. It's tiresome. Awkward conversations, forced (or stifled) laughter, expectations. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, but I work hard to put forward a better version of myself. Even when I don't have to.

I want to just hang out. As friends. In a group. With no intimacy to send me into cardiac arrest.

I love hanging out with my friends. I have more than enough things going on in my life to fill my calendar. I simply see no need to spend any of this time on dates. Friends and family are much more important to me. I remember when I used to be crazy about boys, getting all giggly and giddy and flattered and going out with them just because I was desperate to find SOMEONE and I didn't want to be "missing out" on a maybe-rare opportunity. Now I really cannot be bothered. I have gotten rid of the boys and jerks in my life, making space in my brain for friends and more importantly, myself. I have stopped letting boys determine my mood, and worse, my self-worth.

But i'm an extreme girl. The delicate balance between friends and romantic entanglements evades me. There are now probably boys who are very very angry at me. And yeah, I have no one to blame for that, or for not having someone i know in real life to swoon over. But I'm okay with it.

Why give myself a chance to MAYBE like someone? I want to believe that I'll find someone whom I'll love at first sight. I want to believe that I'll find someone I will not be able to give up.

It's hard for me to find this balance. It's hard for me to take without second-guessing. It's hard for me to give without resenting. It's hard for me to say yes without regretting.

Dearest friends, please don't call me and say "I know you're afraid of letting your guard down, but you have to try". No. that isn't the point anymore. i'll admit, this used to be a major issue for me. Now, it's just about me not caring enough. I really do not care if I have no guy in my life, no guy asking me out, no guy chasing me, no guy making me feel wanted.
I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. I have healthy self-esteem ^^ I actually think I am wayyy too confident. I'm a female douchebag. But I digress.

My family loves me. My friends love me. I'm not about to give up my time with them for boys who "have a thing for" me. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I know that as usual, this blog post is hopelessly disorganized and incoherent (maybe I can pass this off as one of my "stylistic elements" LOL). I guess all i'm trying to say is that I just see spending time on boys as being a lousy waste of time.

Brendan said I may be turning lesbian. Maybe. I don't think so, but i will not completely eliminate this possibility.

NO i do not have many many boys in my life. It's not a revolving door of guys or whatever. NO i am not "popular with guys". NO. I won't disagree if you call me cute but please, I'm not gorgeous or anything. so NO. I'm not like, damn happening with boys. I just have gone out enough times to be able to write such an entry. Throughout most of my year in CJC i only liked one guy, if you guys don't believe me, ask my/his friends! I'm v loyal okay ^^ PLEASE NOTE: when I refer to my experiences, I mean just going out, no physical contact at all. children, please do not engage in casual sex. you will get an STD or many many STDs. And then you will die. watch mean girls, the PE teacher said so!


lambast me if you want, give me flak if you want, call me a slut if you want, say "who do you think you are, you think way too highly of yourself" if you want. I don't care, because yeah, I do think highly of myself. It's really not my problem if you aren't a very confident person and you resent anyone who is.

Lesson learnt from How I Met Your Mother: EVERYONE has a boy or girl they're keeping "on a hook". That is, everyone has a boy or girl that they keep around as an "option", or a "spare tyre". So if you want to critique me, think about yourself first, because chances are, you probably are torturing a poor boy or girl somewhere in this world.

okay, pictures.

at wisma w fj hy kok chew low kj (she'd gone home by the time these pics were taken) 

xinwang w vicki (:

kj who got me from the airport!

trinity folks helping me move house back in melbourne. miss you guys! had fun w chun and her friends at zoukout, but no pics were taken hehe.

jazreel <3

more pics will be uploaded soon. photobucket's kinda being a bitch right now.

in case you thought i died

just been watching this over and over:




note: i like the blonde one. i kinda hate the fact that he's blonde right now but he's usually my favourite (:

told you guys my life has been uber happening *sarcasm*


met MCP today. was supposed to be fun but i was just wallowing in uni application stress so i was like just sulking the whole time, hahahaha i must have been FUUUUUUN *sarcasm again*

KJ got into oxford i'm proud of that babydoll. i can't help but notice that every time she succeeds, i fail. O levels was so (okay i didn't fail but shush). JC too. and now, Uni. OK ACTUALLY MELBOURNE UNI IS A REALLY GOOD SCHOOL BUT LIKE I SAID, SHUSH!
i meant fail not in the sense that I ended up at a bad place in life, but more like...i could have done much better, or in the case of university stuff, her punctuality and like total responsibility is such a sharp contrast to my useless haphazard lousy applications. her, with her impeccable oxford package tied in a pretty pink ribbon (figuratively speaking), versus me with my random stack of papers and lousy crap whatever last-minute applications.

whats the point of working so hard if i only actually start really working hard at the last minute?
you would think after so many times i'd take a leaf out of her book. but NOOOOO, i do stupid things like go for auditions, perform, stuff that i love but it ain't gonna feed my (future) children. I waste my time dreaming and doing unimportant things. I guess i'm not driven enough. It's true, i don't want it bad enough. There are things i want bad enough but theyre things that will never happen ANYWAY and they're things that are....a waste of time.

seriously. i'm cute but i'm not gorgeous. I sing but not superbly. I act but only decently. I can't even dance. I'm turning 19 soon.

WHY CANT I GROW THE FUCK UP?


every time i perform i lie to my dad and say i'm going out.
i never used to think of it as a waste of time, but like...my dad's words are starting to get to me. yeah i get some momentary happiness but for what?
why can't i be a good girl and like, do my fucking Uni shit or study or work or intern or something resume-friendly?

it's not like i spend my entire life trying to gain fame. no. i just do gigs here and there. audition, get to the 2nd or 3rd round, then quit cause my dad would never allow it anyway. but why? i know i can't do stuff like that, so why the fuck i waste my time?

i despise the rat-race yet i hopelessly partake in it.





Much as UCL seems so out of my reach, it'd be cool if i could go there. then KJ every day wow! hahaha. nawww we'd probably get sick of each other, we're both fiercely individual individuals.


if i could turn back time, concord over trinity any day. Concord would have resulted in a much EASIER uni application process, as the British A-levels are recognised EVERYWHERE. My nonsense foundation studies grades are like, unheard of, and my school doesn't even exist in the American database. They have schools in ARUBA but not Trinity College. Seriously. Makes everything so stressful.

i just had no idea that Concord even existed.


well. too late for regrets. if i do stay in melbourne, I will work my ass off to do my friggin' postgrad at NYU.

PhD. long way to go.



so i just realised that this whole post is about me not being who i need to be. Maybe it's my dad's expectations that are getting to me. or maybe it's ME. i'm a fucking hypocrite who goes around acting like a boho free spirit kinda dreamy girl who's better than the rat race, but deep down inside i want want want to win it.


okay. so after thinking about it, it's me. it's easier to blame my dad, and it's also most probably true. but like....if i had the guts, NOTHING would get in the way. NOTHING. his expectations? bullshit.

i'm just a fucking coward who can't fucking decide if she wants to be an academic or a neo-hippy pop princess.



it's disgusting how much i hate myself.


i'm not scared of failure. i'm scared of my dad rejecting my success.




i have dreams. i have goals. but i'm no american movie kind of girl. i don't live only for myself. my dad provides me with the money to live, he gets to decide what i do with this life. he takes care of me, the least he could ask for is my obedience.


seems fair.

sorry i've been MIA

haha just nuah-ing at home, catching up w friends, heading out so much that my dad had to make me stay home cause he complains he never sees me even though im his daughter. so last week was a whirlwind of squeals and hugs and "OMG YOU'RE FINALLY BACKKK!!!"s. this week has been a bit more chill, just staying home and watching tv and reading (: i've started reading again!

zoukout was fun but not something i'd do again i think, i just wanted to see what it's like. a once-in-a-lifetime experience kind of thing. now i can cross it off my list of things i want to experience. it's done, i'm moving on.

perhaps thats why to this day i don't do any really bad things. i wanted to try being a party girl, i tried for a few months. okay la, fun, but i would never do it again, now i'd probably only go if a bunch of friends were going, like once a month or something.

i smoked one cigarette, and now i'm done. i have no interest in ever doing it again, because my curiosity has been satisfied.

i got drunk once, okay, curiosity satisfied, moving on.

i got a boyfriend as i had never had one before, okay, very good memories, he was an awesome incredible boyfriend, okay done, now i'm back to being single (indefinitely, but definitely for a long time to come).

ive made a lot of friends and neglected a lot of old friends, for which i feel terrible.

okay so i just read KJ's blog and this post is starting to sound a bit like hers, like a recount of 2010, guilt over neglecting friends, and yes, being v schizo. so funny cause i was just telling brendan how sometimes i'm like super sociable, but sometimes i stay home for days on end and don't even switch my phone on cause interacting with people can get very tiring (no, not tiresome at all).

maybe thats why me and KJ are such good friends.
speaking of which, note: need to hang out with FJ and HY too. JRK! im like the extra in their circle haha.

i know i usually am quite fastidious about grammar and like this entry is chock full of semantic errors (i believe even "semantic error" is wrong) but okay whatever i REALLY NEED TO PEE BYE GUYS

animal love

got this from chris' blog:






And this from sarah's blog:


Sea otters hold hands when they sleep, so they don’t drift away from each other.
(Source: questionabledreams)




animal love <3

send me the moon

i took this a few days ago, when i was still living in my bubble of academic complacency.

so as usual, i'm blogging because i'm trying to avoid studying. This wouldn't usually be an issue, except I have a major history exam tomorrow. So i'm once again, shooting myself in the foot. I'm past the point of caring anymore. I'm doing well enough to get into Melbourne University, but my hopes and dreams of anything more than that seem so far gone that there isn't any visible point in me striving anymore. Why bother when it's unattainable? Yes, it is. I need a 92%. The way i did yesterday's and today's papers for literature and math respectively, I'm expecting high 70s to mid 80s. Even if I kick ass on my remaining papers, there's no plausible way I could get 92%. So whatever? I do still hope for a miracle of course, being optimistic to the point of delusion is a typical piscean trait. But i've just lost all motivation to study. I seem to always aim high then coast and regret but tell myself "hey, it's okay, where i am right now isn't that bad!" which is true of course, at least I'm still at a decent school. But should I be so easily contented, when I know that I am capable of so much more? I know i'm relatively bright, so I never study until the day before a paper, knowing it'll be enough to 'get me through'. I have tried starting early before, I start studying too early, then by the time exams draw near, I burn out. I get so sick of studying and so disenchanted with my life as a student that I decide, 'you know what? i think i'm sufficiently prepped. i can't take anymore studying. fuck this, i'm gonna go chill, at least i know i'll get through it." That dreadful thought, 'i'll get through it'. It's laziness at its very worst. So either way, my results turn out the same: just enough to get me through.

maybe it's my family background, maybe it's genetics (my mother was notoriously lazy, so she tells me. and i take after her in almost every aspect). But i don't know. I'm actually a bit...happy right now?

Because I used to hate my life and go like FML all the time.

But now I realise, we reap what we sow. So i may still be utterly appalled at myself, but i've reached a state of...peace? I'm no longer full of angst. Now it's more like contrition. I know i deserve my grades (or lack thereof). I'm just thinking, "yeah, i have no one to blame but myself. i've been given countless opportunities to prove myself, and not once have i stepped up to the plate. i don't think i deserve to be angry because...this really is a grave i have dug for myself. all i can do now is hope that i do indeed get through it, and work harder next year. i promise i will. i swear! i really will work harder next year, goddammit!"

i sense the imminent onslaught of a vicious cycle.

the ladder

so i have a literature exam tomorrow and i haven't started studying yet. I'm watching jungle fish 2 (it's an awesome korean drama, kinda like the korean version of skins, which is a HUGE step forward for korean broadcasting *applause*). so anyway yeah. i've been watching it and munching on WANGWANG. love wangwang. livin' the rollin' hi-life. exams? what exams? oh, tomorrow? really? I don't really mind though cause i don't really know how to study for literature anyway lol. oh yeah, speaking of exams...

I have math on wednesday, and for someone who has a gajillion untouched worksheets, I'm strangely lackadaisical. Not a good sign. I guess I can throw away any hopes of counting math as one of my best 4 subjects. It's not that it's hard, I kinda rock at calculus i believe, but I just hate doing it. It's such a chore. When i'm reading history or psychology, I actually find some of it mildly interesting. With math, i'm not even exaggerating, just LOOKING at the pile of shit that I have to do puts me in a horrid mood. I throw hissy fits and snap at people and get all flustered and flap my imaginary wings. I also spam innocent people like chris on bbm with blabber such as "OMG GOAT". oh my eloquence. I do know that it's probably because I get so overwhelmed by the work I haven't done in 10 weeks. Some of you may say "just take it step by step and calm down". I can't! It's a mountain *whines*. I do get through like 2 worksheets a day, which is a lot considering we usually get ONE PER WEEK. but I'm just plowing through them with mindless determination, so it's kind of useless. How so? I did 5 assignments last week, mostly on probability. Last night, I tried doing some probability questions in past years' exam papers. I knew what topic they were (probability), but then i had just completely forgotten how to do them, i had to refer to my textbook again. so it was kinda like. what's the point?! i've forgotten it all!! panick. so yeah, rushing through shit is definitely not my thing. I need to do stuff slowly to digest everything. which wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't left all my math work to rot for 10 weeks. now I have to accomplish the highly improbable: cram 10 weeks into 1 day. i'm gonna need a miracle.

in other news: i'm realllyyyyy hoping bali at the end of january with athari materialises. I hope my dad lets me! Cause i'm already going on a KL road trip with sarah. so it's gonna be pretty hard to convince my dad to let me go to bali. He loves me too much to let me out of his sight for too long hehe. I really looooove my dad and every day he calls me telling me what he's cooked for lunch and dinner etc etc. I get so emo cause I really miss his cooking! Yes, my dad cooks EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. FOR ME. My dad is the most awesome person who has ever lived. he is legend-wait for it-ary!

ok so back to my point. JYP audition dec 11, KL just before christmas with sarah, korea/taiwan/japan for holiday beginning of jan (can't wait to ski again. skiing is the only sport i really love, other than taekwondo). thennnnn bali 23-26 jan. then school again blah. my december's pretty packed /:

I've been relatively anti-social as of late, staying at home to study. I cannot study at the library, the atmosphere is just too tense and nerve-wracking for me to get anything done. stress a productive person does not make.

oh yeah, forgot to mention, I had my english exam today. I fucked it up real bad. but whatever, it's not one of my "best 4" hehe.

I am really thirsty and i kinda need a glass of water.

gorgeous koreans - http://fuckyeahuhljjang.tumblr.com

wtf kind of anime couple is this?! why are they so gorgeous?!?!

one of my fave female ulzzangs. why she so cute.

LEE CHI HOON. why is he prettier and skinnier than I am?

HAN GOOK. omg heart attack.

shin ho seok!

i'm going off to a corner to wallow in my newly-developed inferiority complex. LOL. just kidding. kinda. maybe.

someone wrestle me away from my laptop

i've been watching this for like 20 mins straight. i need to seek professional help.

only in japan

how confusing is this subway map man lol seriously.

idk why but i find the last 2 pics adorable and hilarious at the same time. reminds me of last week, when i was strolling in the city and a guy walk past with a jack russell perched on his shoulder. the poor doggy seemed scared out of its wits though, it was trembling like mad.

credits for all images from http://fuckyeahjapanese.tumblr.com ^^

pictures from a month ago.

 picturessss. they aren't on facebook. well they are but only those of us who were there that evening can view them. hehehehehe. i figured might as well upload now since i'm at it. hahaha. 

i cannot stress this enough: i don't see anything wrong with smoking. but i don't do it.

official trinity ball after-party / halloween.

so i had to change into my halloween gear at the prom venue and rush there in a jiffy. so yeah, that's pretty much why my costume = fail. hahaha. wasn't really a costume at all! was aiming for the "zombie wife who got suffocated by drowning in her jewels, death by consumerism" look, but i don't think i made it obvious enough ):

anyway, pictures:

from left: bryan, me, ray, nach, jo, ben (: some of the best people ever!

eleanor the sexy beast but for halloween she's a sexy devil haha. and jo again!

nachhhh!

from left: poony the ever-adorable, sexy devil, mins (oh how lovely her sweet nature), me, irene my loverrrr. there are nary any pics of me with irene so i'm a bitttt sad about that.

my favourite pic of the night, not just cause i look relatively cool here, but also cause it's funny, the whole juxtaposition of my cool pose against ayako ownin' the club with her "i be sexy drunk" fist-pumping drunk-screaming-squealing ways. i just find the juxtaposition v funny. one of those, "you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried" pictures.

NO MORE!! ^^

prommy prom prom

title is self-explanatory i believe?

i'm not gonna upload many prom pics simply because i had way too much makeup on and i look like a tranny ghost in all the pics. the ones taken at the afterparty aren't so bad cause clubs have more flattering lighting somehow? I don't know! hahaha. but i'll be separating them into different posts. easier that way.

but all in all, it was a magical night. the most fun i've had in a long while.

picture time!!

whitney! one of the nicest girls you'll ever meet. really smart too!! 

anh!! my cutie patootie drama group mate! i'm playing her and she's playing me for our play. very challenging being as sweet and soft spoken as she is!

eleanor the sexy beast!

jessica!! yet another cutie patootie hehe. my eap and econs classmate. very good actress this girl is!! i saw her drama performance. was so blown away.

all the april accelerated intake folks!!! i love them!! well. actually only like half of us are in this picture. one quarter didn't attend prom and the other quarter of them had gone out to smoke while we, the non-smokers, were taking this picture haha.

uploading is a bit redundant though, cause like...you guys know my blog through my facebook page anyway. and these pictures are all already on my facebook page anyway. so. idk. i guess i do this for my ONE reader who doesn't use facebook, the ever-enigmatic PB?

yeah you may be looking at these pics and going "nah you don't look THAT bad". well, that's cause i chose the least fug ones. in some of them my face is white. like literally WHITE. way too much foundation that's way too light for my natural skin colour. plus drag queen eye makeup. oh for shame. could've been a night of beautiful snapshots of amazing memories. now all i can see in the pics are "OMG I LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN".

just so you guys know, i look like this without any makeup on:

i don't think it's that bad!! maybe next time there's a party, i should just skip the foundation and eyeshadow.

guyz

i'm feeling fine. the song i just posted has nothing to do with how i'm currently feeling lol. i just really love jay park and it's an incredible song! (:

space

Brave Brothers & Jay Park | I Want To Cry [MV] (ENG SUB)

try

to understand how i feel.

what would you have done if you were me?

i don't care if others hate me, i stand by my decision and its merits.

i hope you understand.

trust me, i rarely do things without thinking.
sure, i have a hot temper and react quickly.
but this is different. i would never unknowingly set off a chain of events.
i'm perfectly aware of the ramifications of my actions.
i watch what i say and what i do,
i know nothing is ever secret.
i don't deserve half the teasing compliments of naivety that i receive.

there's not one word i write on my blog that i want to keep secret,
that would be defeating the purpose of my blog, wouldn't it?

sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind.
i won't feign grace. i won't feign kindness,
but i'm not being completely selfish, i'm not being totally thoughtless.
sometimes it's better this way.

i'd never carried fault wholly and squarely on my shoulders before.
i'd never taken the entire blame for anything before.

people may think me a bitch, they may think me a slut,
they may think me a heartless girl.
i honestly don't care.
i just, with all my heart, want happiness for you.

don't make me have played bitch for nothing.
be happy. be strong. be loved for who you are.

i'll say one thing

It hurt.

it's a hard fight; when you're in the limelight

Got this off chrissypoo's blog:

stunning.

On another note:

oh look at you

with your pretty unicorn

you dazzle all the ghosts

now their wings are clipped and gone

chained onto your smirk

they ain't never getting out

willows at your feet

you got everything you want.

maybe life's a bitch

maybe no one's perfect

but you sell yourself close

and everyone's buying it.

there ain't no other

who can do it like you

you go without a sound

never telling what you feel.

but babe watch your step

that's one-too-many hearts

you'll fall off your high horse soon

and i'll be there to laugh.

bring night

Hi!

So I don't really have much to say. I'm just like...blogging for the sake of it. I just got back from a day of Socrates and Aristotle at Leeper Library with Athari. She says she's going to University of Queensland next year. nooooo!! Brisbane's so far away ):

I made myself noodles in miso+egg soup. I stand by my statement that i make wicked soup! The only things I can really make are: soup and pancakes. Not bragging or anything - ah who am i kidding, i love bragging about my legendary pancake-making skillz - but my pancakes are mostly perfect. Oh and my omelettes/scrambled eggs are really fluffy too, even without any cream or milk! ^^

Sadly, I kind of suck at everything else.

Shit, I always do this to myself. I'm in the mood to study, then I switch the computer on. GAME OVER.

clap your hands if you're working too hard

hello guys,

I did a little bit of HOI just now while I was at the Frank Tate building with Athari, Poonz, and Arya(?)

Went to 7-11, got a shitty $1 cappucino.

I'm ready to stay up til 3am studying Psychology. I will not rest until I can memorize the chapter on memory (haha that's quite funny), word-for-freakin'-word.

I know i picked the wrong day to stay up late to study, since I have a 9am English Lit class which i CANNOT be late for - cause I'm always either absent or late for it so I seriously need to buck up if I want my participation marks - but hey, I don't control when the study mood hits! And it rarely hits, so i gotta strike while the iron is hot!


my current obsession:

lisztomania

i don't even really want to perform for prom anymore.
i'm not enthusiastic about much anymore.
and i hate how i lost the stupid game. i can't believe that just like that, it's all over.
i guess i'll never really know how you felt.

________________________________________________________________________________

seriously, a status war? really?
do you have to put everything on your profile, after texting me "(:" like as if you're fine with everything?
if you're seriously upset or something, you have the right to lash out at me, send me an angry text.
you have every right.
don't be a faker and send me a happy text then go emo about it all over facebook, saying something so obvious.

i refuse to engage in a status war.


_________________________________________________________________


omg guys, i'm so sorry, i think there was something wrong with my previous template, cause it was like perpetually ZERO comments. i started thinking i was a srsly shitty blogger. hahaha.

i JUST saw that i have like at least 1 comment per entry so....YAY? (:

thanksssss. AND SHIT HAHAHAHA WEIPING READS. SO RANDOM.

i haven't spoken to weiping in forever.....if you're reading this WP, PLS GET TWITTER LIKE NOW. I TALK TO ALL THE CJ PEOPLE THERE.

if you read my blog...

post on my facebook wall saying you read my blog or like, friend request me if you don't already have me on facebook!! my url is:

http://www.facebook.com/sibyl92


i'm doing this cause i wanna know who reads my blog. i want to know each and every one of you. i want to see all your faces, all you beautiful people!!!


if only like 5 people post on my wall, SERIOUSLY FML HAHAHAHAHA i can crawl into a hole and die of mortification. not cause i want that much attention, but cause then i would have severely overestimated my writing skillz and entertainment value. hahahaha.

and also cause then it shows no one cares about me OMG :'( HAHAHA jkjk.

thinkglitter also must post. make me feel loved ok rah, cause im very sure you and vicki are like the only 2 people who read this LOL. i iz sadz.

flutter-flutter

yah, sarah, i copy you, post picture + pensive entry LOL.

whatsapping jazreel and discussing our lackluster love lives made me come up with this:

be my love story
be my break-up make-up song
be my midnight tears
be my morning smile
be my everything
be my all.



i'm not quite sure if this is considered anything, like a poem or whatever, but they're just my thoughts and how i'm feeling right now. i guess the reason i haven't quite found a Heathcliff is quite simply, my overtly ardent desire for one. Murphy's law?

you'll be back

i don't think i've ever been so giddy, so desperate, so stupid.
oh the things i would do for you.
i wonder if i'm special at all,
or if you give every girl you meet a little piece of your soul,
just enough to make them think you care.

you own my heart

so i just read on rah's blog that like, if i get 90% and above for trinity, i have a shot at getting into cambridge.

like why the fuck did i not know this sooner?

i only need 82% to get into melbourne uni psychology, and i got 94% in the first semester, so i've been slacking like mad, cause there's no way i won't get in.

now my average is hovering in between 86 and 89 percent.

fuck me, why am i so easily satisfied? i was like "oh, no worries, YAY"

NOW, 3 weeks before exams, i realise if i hadn't let my grades slip, i'd be filling out application forms for the ivies and oxbridge, LIKE WTF?!

i am fucking cranky right now.




this, combined with my hopeless search for ___________.



it took you all of ten minutes to sweep me off my feet. and now you're gone, back in singapore doing god knows what.



on day 1, i fell in like.
on day 2, i tried to let go.
on day 3, i tried to erase the memories.
on day 4, i fell back in love.
on day 5, i realised i've lost you forever.
on day 6, my heart broke.



now it's day 7,

i wake up with you on my mind.
i go to school with you in my thoughts.
i beg god with you in my prayers.
i think of home with you in my wishes.
i go to sleep with you in my heart.





i pray i'll meet you again someday,
i can only hope that you'll still remember me.
my friends say "give up",
my brain says "there's no point".
but how can i stop,
when my heart whispers, "why the fuck not?"

i know my blog is very text-heavy and picture-light. hahahaha.

at least it loads faster if you're accessing this from your phone or something! :D




and also, i would load pics but i always feel v narcissistic doing so. maybe i should be more shameless at self-promotion.



but i think if i put up pictures of myself, my blog traffic will go from 5 to like ZERO LOL.




who the hell even reads my blog, seriously?!?!! ALWAYS ZERO COMMENTS.





but i don't expect attention so it's alright (:






i just blog to sort out the jumble in my mind.












my daddy bought me the chloe eau de parfum btw. I IZ HAPPY CHILD. cause i've been using vera wang since forever, decided to change. next up, FLOWERBOMB by viktor and rolf.



then when i'm 30 or something, i'll do some custom fragrance cause i don't wanna be like every other woman out there, drenched in chanel no. 5.


yeah i'm hooked on perfume, i feel naked if i leave the house without spraying some on. i do admit that sometimes i tend to (accidentally) overdo it, but it's always cause i'm in such a rush to leave the house, and i wanna finish it quick so i can buy a new one (hehe), i just spray everywhere. my room smells like vera wang too hehehe. rroves it.

/bimbo talk.

i won't try to act very emo or wax philosophical on this entry.

i'm just going to tell you all about my deep dark obsession: facebook stalking pretty girls.

yes, i remember my previous posts about mt disdain for girls who trap themselves in a cycle of self-hate by looking at torturous pictures of gorgeous people.

but yeah, i am one of those masochistic girls.

i won't name names, for fear of seeming downright creepy, but there are so many former acquaintances of mine, who i remember used to be so...normal, then they grew up and just BLOSSOMED. now they're all so gorgeous.

makes me feel v v inferior.

most of them are filthy rich too, to exacerbate our pain and feelings of inferiority.


sigh.



/rant



ON ANOTHER NOTE....


OMG SHINEE'S HELLO MV CAME OUT AND OMG I LOVE THEIR CURRENT CONCEPT!! NOT LOVING ONEW'S HAIR, BUT THIS IS SO REMINISCENT OF THE REPLAY DAYS. before all the tweenies came along and "hearted" ring ding dong and lucifer (both of which are very BLEAGH songs imo).



onew you rock my world
jonghyun too



and miss A's breathe is super catchy! loving FEI i think she's GORGE.


kiseop from U-kiss is mighty fine too.

SO MANY KPOP COMEBACKS THIS OCTOBER WOWZA. eggciting!




been talking v mucho to 'brenzter' and chris. both are very funny dudes. wonder why i never used to talk to them as much?!?!





i got back all my results from term 3 (except for psych). im happy with some, incredibly upset with others. guess i'll just have to buck up!




ya la i know, i'm rambling. it's 1am. cut me some slack. my room is a mess too idk how im gna sleep in it, since all my stuff's on my bed.


i'm sleepy.




goodnight world!










beach on saturday/sunday, not sure yet. depends on the weather. if it's hot, you may wanna shield your eyes, there'll be some very unflattering pictures of a certain fatty (me) in a swimsuit. GAH.

2am musings

I'm lying in bed, and the strange orange numbers glow: 2.38am.

Since when did I become so nocturnal?

Since the internet fucked up on me and I had to wait 3 hours to catch the last 15 mins of glee, that's when.

And guess what? the internet decided to shit all over me after fucking me upside down, by suddenly slowing the buffer rate down to like 1% per ten minutes. Then I'd experience 5 seconds of glee (pun intended) then the fucking buffer wheel would appear again.


So I'm fucking raging right now, with a throbbing migraine, unable to fall asleep due to this incorrigible bad temper of mine.

Yeah, this is one of my dirty secrets. I have an incurably horribly fast temper.

Once I forgive though, I don't hold grudges.

I've been reflecting, and I realise this is only true for trivial matters. When it comes to big matters of the heart and friendship stuff and all that emotional jazz, I bottle it up for as long as possible. I fear confrontation.

I only have a quick temper and throw a whinefest when I know it's about some inanimate object, thus avoiding offending anyone. I also dare to do it in public because I want people to know what a brat I am.

People may think, omg whiny bitch being bratty and shitting bricks when her problems are so small?

Well my dears, half of you haven't been through ths shit I've been through. I don't want to start comparing problems, but see the thing is,

I can and will never publicise my real problems. Those are the ones I'll bring to my grave.

So when I can't whine about those, I find little things to bitch about. Because let's face it, I love whining, so I find all sorts of shit to whine about, but only superficial shit that wouldn't get anyone into trouble.

And well, I can't stand being quiet. I need everyone to know I'm feeling discontent at that particular moment.

So bitches, shut the fuck up if you think I'm a brat who whines about every little thing. I am. I won't deny that. But at least I don't act all saintly and superior by waiting for people to ask "what's wrong?" Before (fakely) 'reluctantly' telling everyone what's wrong, the way some bitches do. And you don't know half my life. Don't assume that just cause I whine about the slow internet connection, it means I have no other deep-seated issues to discuss. I sure do, plenty, but I'll just never discuss them with you, condescending people who find this entry disconcerting.

okay so i haven't been blogging for quite a while, was down with a horrid flu and all. so, time for an update, i'm doing this cause i can't sleep anyway, so not used to having to sleep early and wake up early ugh i just KNOW i'm gonna be late for literature tomorrow morning.

so this entry has to properly convey what i'm feeling right now, while still maintaining the secrecy of the matter. cryptic but not too cryptic. that's gonna be hard but i guess i'm gonna try, like i said, can't sleep anyway.

so lately i've been testing my boundaries. i've been doing tons of things i've never done before. i've been places i've never been before. i hadn't spent a single day completely alone in ages, not meeting any friends or anyone else.

this week i finally did it. i cooped myself up at home and SWITCHED OFF MY PHONE.

being an only child, i thrive on being alone. i'm never lonely when i have a good book to read or whatever. friendships, for me, are real when even after a year or two of not seeing each other, we can pick up right where we left off. friendship is something we have to put effort into, for sure, but it's not something we have to "guarantee" by spending every day together. doesn't work like that.

anyway, back to my week in (pseudo) isolation (it wasn't total exile only cause my dad was here).

i know, some may say books are no substitute for reality, they hinder my social development and what not. who knows, they may have. if not for books, i may be a social butterfly and not my current whacked-out eccentric self. but i wouldn't be right.

see, reading for me isn't about escaping my current situation, avoiding my problems, living vicariously through characters, or choosing the company of a swashbuckling romantic hero over that of real-life friends. or maybe it is, but definitely not for any of those purposes in and of themselves.

reading is how i take a break from everyone else. i love my friends, i love everyone, and i do love and cherish the internet, but once in a while, i don't want to be connected to everyone, having to constantly talk to them and send them instant, appropriately short messages to sufficiently convey my preoccupation with something else whilst maintaining a touch of intimacy.

i got multiple texts from a few people who got worried cause i hadn't replied them within a few hours or something. i realised how hard it is to turn off your phone for an entire day without at least making a dent on certain relationships, between friends or otherwise.

but it led me to a more important conclusion, one which i'd always known but never quite grasped the ramifications of: i'm a hermit.

i love being alone. i love meeting up with friends, but sometimes, in fact most of the times, if they didnt ask me out, i would be perfectly HAPPY being alone. not just contented, HAPPY. i never quite understood the sentiments of people who can't stand being alone at home, they see a persistent need to fill their days with....nothingness.

anyway, i can't preach cause everyone's different and awesome in their own ways. i'm just saying i don't really understand that point of view, thats all. so. i digress. back to point.

i was quite upset when fate prevented me from spending time with a certain group of very nice people whom i really wanted to spend more time with. but it occurred to me: i would probably never truly be one of them, no matter how hard i tried. i know building friendships takes time, but i guess i've never had to try so hard before. maybe i did, with MCP, but that was when i had absolutely nothing to do after O levels, so i was free to stick to them like GLUE, jumping at each and every opportunity to meet them and further the development of my friendship with those kindred folk. of course, MCP are some of my closest friends now. the effort was all worth it.

but this current bunch is a bit harder to crack. i don't know. i just don't seem to be able to fit in with them, my presence always sticks out like a sore thumb. everything i want to say doesn't seem right upon much consideration, so i rarely say much. and fate has a way of preventing me from joining their fun outings and such.

i then started whining (in my head of course, i don't wanna come across as completely mental now do i?), WHY IS IT SO HARD?

then i asked myself, SHOULD IT HAVE TO BE HARD?

some say it's supposed to be effortless, some say that's bull. i obviously don't know the answer, which is why i've just written a long-ass spiel with no sensible conclusion, i just went around the mulberry bush, one big round. duck duck duck duck duck and no goose to be found.



anyway, my point (i actually can't remember if i even have a point to make anymore, but to save this post from sounding like a complete waste of your time, i shall insert some semblence of a logical ending to it)

is

i went without them, and i seem fine. i'm sad but i'm not incredibly upset or anything. i went without ANYONE but my dad for days on end, and i'm FINE. so i clearly don't NEED that many friends, few people probably do. but why my eagerness to make more and more friends? i don't know. i always jump ahead of myself, imagining myself having a fun dinner with people i've just met. in my mind, everyone could be a potential new good friend! oh how naive i am.

i always fail to realise that they may want nothing more than a "hi" from me. they may like me as a fairweather friend, they may not see me as able to become anything more than that.

and i can't help but wonder, is it them? or me?

THIS WILL MAKE YOUR DAY

all the material things

gonna try to drag myself to the library to start/finish my literature essay today.

sara bareilles' new album just dropped! love it love it love it.

H&M x LANVIN...let it sink in....H&M x LANVIN!!!!!!

why is there no bloody h&m in australia?!?!?!? or anywhere nearby?!?!?

at least if i were in sg i could go to hongkong or sth to buy it during the holidays!!! UGH!

and h&m doesn't do online stores. they're i guess too cool for stuff like that.


favourite designer of all time: vera wang of course. but lanvin was always a close 2nd!!!! the colours and the construction OMGGGGGGGGGGGG. i know nothing abt fashion but i know lanvin does awesome drapery!

christian lacroix too but thats not even attainable.

H&M x LANVIN OMG SO NEAR YET SO FAR.


did i mention i love zuhair murad?! nina dobrev wore murad to the emmys and i DIED OF JEALOUSY.

the dress, the hair, the makeup, the accessories, everything was purrrfectttttttt!

yes yes i know the emmys were super long ago, but i still haven't found another female celebrity who's topped precious nina dobrev so she still holds the crown!

her figure is amazing.


zomg zomg zomg. I SHOULD BE HEADING TO THE LIBRARY NOW. max gon' be pissed!

see you later alligatorsssss!!!

i don't really have anything to say.

i've been MIA to a lot of my singapore friends, and i'm especially apologetic for that.

i'm supposed to be studying but i slept the afternoon away and i've been on youtube for the past 2 hours.

kj showed me her prom dress. how quickly time passes, it seems. i still remember exactly when we started becoming close friends, and now, suddenly, 12 years of pre-tertiary education, coming to a close.

i've been trying to find a balance in my life. studying more, going out less, just staying home and hibernating although winter is over.

i seriously need to study. i would post some pictures but whatever, you guys have my facebook so just check there, i look fugly fat nowadays anyway, i put on so much weight it's not even funny. really not looking forward to having to wear a swimsuit when we (me chun irene benfoo justin ele) head to the great golden coast where sufers lie. i have 2 weeks to whip myself into shape. SO NOT GONNA HAPPEN, i just gorged on a pack of potato chips. my brain seems to run on the "instant gratification" M.O., i'm like that rat from that experiment, the rat that continually chose "instant happiness" over food, until it eventually died. ok. bad analogy. but you get what i'm trying to say don't you? i lack the ability to think long-term. it's damaging to my grades, not to mention my ever-expanding waistline. don't get me wrong though, i'm not ano. i'm not majorly unhappy with my body, but i could definitely lose a few kilos here and there.



okay so i just googled diets. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS!!!!


gawd, who the hell invented the bikini. lulz.

imma go try to do some work now and clean out my snack cupboard for the last time!!!!

I want nothing more than to forget.















I live with nothing more than regret.

pics from alumbra (as mentioned below)

 at macd's after, cos alumbra fridays end absurdly early. lol. met a bunch of random friendly young angmohs, all 18 years old. one of the girls was soooo gorgeous. k, i guess not ALL of them are racist. but still, MOST ARE. PFFFFFT.