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beautiful.

collect call

perfect for rainy weather.

Sometimes i'm scared. I'm scared to take. I question intentions when I'm take. There's no such thing as unconditional in my books. I fear the sound of your heart breaking when you realize there's no way i will ever give back. My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to matters of the heart. I've been saying no time and again. My fear of taking traps me in my house.

I don't know who I am, nor do i know what I want. So i decide that since I have no idea who it is i'm looking for, I shouldn't even try. Why try when I don't like them anyway? I hang out with friends, perfectly happy that my love life has completely shut down. I used to anticipate the arrival of flashy cars at my doorstep, the person driving them offering expensive meals and even more expensive gifts. I used to skip to the bus stop, heart fluttering at the thought of the handsome charmer I'd be watching a movie with, a few streets away. I used to say yes just because I didn't want to be making the mistake of a lifetime by saying no.

I don't anymore. It's tiresome. Awkward conversations, forced (or stifled) laughter, expectations. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, but I work hard to put forward a better version of myself. Even when I don't have to.

I want to just hang out. As friends. In a group. With no intimacy to send me into cardiac arrest.

I love hanging out with my friends. I have more than enough things going on in my life to fill my calendar. I simply see no need to spend any of this time on dates. Friends and family are much more important to me. I remember when I used to be crazy about boys, getting all giggly and giddy and flattered and going out with them just because I was desperate to find SOMEONE and I didn't want to be "missing out" on a maybe-rare opportunity. Now I really cannot be bothered. I have gotten rid of the boys and jerks in my life, making space in my brain for friends and more importantly, myself. I have stopped letting boys determine my mood, and worse, my self-worth.

But i'm an extreme girl. The delicate balance between friends and romantic entanglements evades me. There are now probably boys who are very very angry at me. And yeah, I have no one to blame for that, or for not having someone i know in real life to swoon over. But I'm okay with it.

Why give myself a chance to MAYBE like someone? I want to believe that I'll find someone whom I'll love at first sight. I want to believe that I'll find someone I will not be able to give up.

It's hard for me to find this balance. It's hard for me to take without second-guessing. It's hard for me to give without resenting. It's hard for me to say yes without regretting.

Dearest friends, please don't call me and say "I know you're afraid of letting your guard down, but you have to try". No. that isn't the point anymore. i'll admit, this used to be a major issue for me. Now, it's just about me not caring enough. I really do not care if I have no guy in my life, no guy asking me out, no guy chasing me, no guy making me feel wanted.
I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. I have healthy self-esteem ^^ I actually think I am wayyy too confident. I'm a female douchebag. But I digress.

My family loves me. My friends love me. I'm not about to give up my time with them for boys who "have a thing for" me. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I know that as usual, this blog post is hopelessly disorganized and incoherent (maybe I can pass this off as one of my "stylistic elements" LOL). I guess all i'm trying to say is that I just see spending time on boys as being a lousy waste of time.

Brendan said I may be turning lesbian. Maybe. I don't think so, but i will not completely eliminate this possibility.

NO i do not have many many boys in my life. It's not a revolving door of guys or whatever. NO i am not "popular with guys". NO. I won't disagree if you call me cute but please, I'm not gorgeous or anything. so NO. I'm not like, damn happening with boys. I just have gone out enough times to be able to write such an entry. Throughout most of my year in CJC i only liked one guy, if you guys don't believe me, ask my/his friends! I'm v loyal okay ^^ PLEASE NOTE: when I refer to my experiences, I mean just going out, no physical contact at all. children, please do not engage in casual sex. you will get an STD or many many STDs. And then you will die. watch mean girls, the PE teacher said so!


lambast me if you want, give me flak if you want, call me a slut if you want, say "who do you think you are, you think way too highly of yourself" if you want. I don't care, because yeah, I do think highly of myself. It's really not my problem if you aren't a very confident person and you resent anyone who is.

Lesson learnt from How I Met Your Mother: EVERYONE has a boy or girl they're keeping "on a hook". That is, everyone has a boy or girl that they keep around as an "option", or a "spare tyre". So if you want to critique me, think about yourself first, because chances are, you probably are torturing a poor boy or girl somewhere in this world.

okay, pictures.

at wisma w fj hy kok chew low kj (she'd gone home by the time these pics were taken) 

xinwang w vicki (:

kj who got me from the airport!

trinity folks helping me move house back in melbourne. miss you guys! had fun w chun and her friends at zoukout, but no pics were taken hehe.

jazreel <3

more pics will be uploaded soon. photobucket's kinda being a bitch right now.

in case you thought i died

just been watching this over and over:




note: i like the blonde one. i kinda hate the fact that he's blonde right now but he's usually my favourite (:

told you guys my life has been uber happening *sarcasm*


met MCP today. was supposed to be fun but i was just wallowing in uni application stress so i was like just sulking the whole time, hahahaha i must have been FUUUUUUN *sarcasm again*

KJ got into oxford i'm proud of that babydoll. i can't help but notice that every time she succeeds, i fail. O levels was so (okay i didn't fail but shush). JC too. and now, Uni. OK ACTUALLY MELBOURNE UNI IS A REALLY GOOD SCHOOL BUT LIKE I SAID, SHUSH!
i meant fail not in the sense that I ended up at a bad place in life, but more like...i could have done much better, or in the case of university stuff, her punctuality and like total responsibility is such a sharp contrast to my useless haphazard lousy applications. her, with her impeccable oxford package tied in a pretty pink ribbon (figuratively speaking), versus me with my random stack of papers and lousy crap whatever last-minute applications.

whats the point of working so hard if i only actually start really working hard at the last minute?
you would think after so many times i'd take a leaf out of her book. but NOOOOO, i do stupid things like go for auditions, perform, stuff that i love but it ain't gonna feed my (future) children. I waste my time dreaming and doing unimportant things. I guess i'm not driven enough. It's true, i don't want it bad enough. There are things i want bad enough but theyre things that will never happen ANYWAY and they're things that are....a waste of time.

seriously. i'm cute but i'm not gorgeous. I sing but not superbly. I act but only decently. I can't even dance. I'm turning 19 soon.

WHY CANT I GROW THE FUCK UP?


every time i perform i lie to my dad and say i'm going out.
i never used to think of it as a waste of time, but like...my dad's words are starting to get to me. yeah i get some momentary happiness but for what?
why can't i be a good girl and like, do my fucking Uni shit or study or work or intern or something resume-friendly?

it's not like i spend my entire life trying to gain fame. no. i just do gigs here and there. audition, get to the 2nd or 3rd round, then quit cause my dad would never allow it anyway. but why? i know i can't do stuff like that, so why the fuck i waste my time?

i despise the rat-race yet i hopelessly partake in it.





Much as UCL seems so out of my reach, it'd be cool if i could go there. then KJ every day wow! hahaha. nawww we'd probably get sick of each other, we're both fiercely individual individuals.


if i could turn back time, concord over trinity any day. Concord would have resulted in a much EASIER uni application process, as the British A-levels are recognised EVERYWHERE. My nonsense foundation studies grades are like, unheard of, and my school doesn't even exist in the American database. They have schools in ARUBA but not Trinity College. Seriously. Makes everything so stressful.

i just had no idea that Concord even existed.


well. too late for regrets. if i do stay in melbourne, I will work my ass off to do my friggin' postgrad at NYU.

PhD. long way to go.



so i just realised that this whole post is about me not being who i need to be. Maybe it's my dad's expectations that are getting to me. or maybe it's ME. i'm a fucking hypocrite who goes around acting like a boho free spirit kinda dreamy girl who's better than the rat race, but deep down inside i want want want to win it.


okay. so after thinking about it, it's me. it's easier to blame my dad, and it's also most probably true. but like....if i had the guts, NOTHING would get in the way. NOTHING. his expectations? bullshit.

i'm just a fucking coward who can't fucking decide if she wants to be an academic or a neo-hippy pop princess.



it's disgusting how much i hate myself.


i'm not scared of failure. i'm scared of my dad rejecting my success.




i have dreams. i have goals. but i'm no american movie kind of girl. i don't live only for myself. my dad provides me with the money to live, he gets to decide what i do with this life. he takes care of me, the least he could ask for is my obedience.


seems fair.

sorry i've been MIA

haha just nuah-ing at home, catching up w friends, heading out so much that my dad had to make me stay home cause he complains he never sees me even though im his daughter. so last week was a whirlwind of squeals and hugs and "OMG YOU'RE FINALLY BACKKK!!!"s. this week has been a bit more chill, just staying home and watching tv and reading (: i've started reading again!

zoukout was fun but not something i'd do again i think, i just wanted to see what it's like. a once-in-a-lifetime experience kind of thing. now i can cross it off my list of things i want to experience. it's done, i'm moving on.

perhaps thats why to this day i don't do any really bad things. i wanted to try being a party girl, i tried for a few months. okay la, fun, but i would never do it again, now i'd probably only go if a bunch of friends were going, like once a month or something.

i smoked one cigarette, and now i'm done. i have no interest in ever doing it again, because my curiosity has been satisfied.

i got drunk once, okay, curiosity satisfied, moving on.

i got a boyfriend as i had never had one before, okay, very good memories, he was an awesome incredible boyfriend, okay done, now i'm back to being single (indefinitely, but definitely for a long time to come).

ive made a lot of friends and neglected a lot of old friends, for which i feel terrible.

okay so i just read KJ's blog and this post is starting to sound a bit like hers, like a recount of 2010, guilt over neglecting friends, and yes, being v schizo. so funny cause i was just telling brendan how sometimes i'm like super sociable, but sometimes i stay home for days on end and don't even switch my phone on cause interacting with people can get very tiring (no, not tiresome at all).

maybe thats why me and KJ are such good friends.
speaking of which, note: need to hang out with FJ and HY too. JRK! im like the extra in their circle haha.

i know i usually am quite fastidious about grammar and like this entry is chock full of semantic errors (i believe even "semantic error" is wrong) but okay whatever i REALLY NEED TO PEE BYE GUYS