okay so i haven't been blogging for quite a while, was down with a horrid flu and all. so, time for an update, i'm doing this cause i can't sleep anyway, so not used to having to sleep early and wake up early ugh i just KNOW i'm gonna be late for literature tomorrow morning.

so this entry has to properly convey what i'm feeling right now, while still maintaining the secrecy of the matter. cryptic but not too cryptic. that's gonna be hard but i guess i'm gonna try, like i said, can't sleep anyway.

so lately i've been testing my boundaries. i've been doing tons of things i've never done before. i've been places i've never been before. i hadn't spent a single day completely alone in ages, not meeting any friends or anyone else.

this week i finally did it. i cooped myself up at home and SWITCHED OFF MY PHONE.

being an only child, i thrive on being alone. i'm never lonely when i have a good book to read or whatever. friendships, for me, are real when even after a year or two of not seeing each other, we can pick up right where we left off. friendship is something we have to put effort into, for sure, but it's not something we have to "guarantee" by spending every day together. doesn't work like that.

anyway, back to my week in (pseudo) isolation (it wasn't total exile only cause my dad was here).

i know, some may say books are no substitute for reality, they hinder my social development and what not. who knows, they may have. if not for books, i may be a social butterfly and not my current whacked-out eccentric self. but i wouldn't be right.

see, reading for me isn't about escaping my current situation, avoiding my problems, living vicariously through characters, or choosing the company of a swashbuckling romantic hero over that of real-life friends. or maybe it is, but definitely not for any of those purposes in and of themselves.

reading is how i take a break from everyone else. i love my friends, i love everyone, and i do love and cherish the internet, but once in a while, i don't want to be connected to everyone, having to constantly talk to them and send them instant, appropriately short messages to sufficiently convey my preoccupation with something else whilst maintaining a touch of intimacy.

i got multiple texts from a few people who got worried cause i hadn't replied them within a few hours or something. i realised how hard it is to turn off your phone for an entire day without at least making a dent on certain relationships, between friends or otherwise.

but it led me to a more important conclusion, one which i'd always known but never quite grasped the ramifications of: i'm a hermit.

i love being alone. i love meeting up with friends, but sometimes, in fact most of the times, if they didnt ask me out, i would be perfectly HAPPY being alone. not just contented, HAPPY. i never quite understood the sentiments of people who can't stand being alone at home, they see a persistent need to fill their days with....nothingness.

anyway, i can't preach cause everyone's different and awesome in their own ways. i'm just saying i don't really understand that point of view, thats all. so. i digress. back to point.

i was quite upset when fate prevented me from spending time with a certain group of very nice people whom i really wanted to spend more time with. but it occurred to me: i would probably never truly be one of them, no matter how hard i tried. i know building friendships takes time, but i guess i've never had to try so hard before. maybe i did, with MCP, but that was when i had absolutely nothing to do after O levels, so i was free to stick to them like GLUE, jumping at each and every opportunity to meet them and further the development of my friendship with those kindred folk. of course, MCP are some of my closest friends now. the effort was all worth it.

but this current bunch is a bit harder to crack. i don't know. i just don't seem to be able to fit in with them, my presence always sticks out like a sore thumb. everything i want to say doesn't seem right upon much consideration, so i rarely say much. and fate has a way of preventing me from joining their fun outings and such.

i then started whining (in my head of course, i don't wanna come across as completely mental now do i?), WHY IS IT SO HARD?

then i asked myself, SHOULD IT HAVE TO BE HARD?

some say it's supposed to be effortless, some say that's bull. i obviously don't know the answer, which is why i've just written a long-ass spiel with no sensible conclusion, i just went around the mulberry bush, one big round. duck duck duck duck duck and no goose to be found.



anyway, my point (i actually can't remember if i even have a point to make anymore, but to save this post from sounding like a complete waste of your time, i shall insert some semblence of a logical ending to it)

is

i went without them, and i seem fine. i'm sad but i'm not incredibly upset or anything. i went without ANYONE but my dad for days on end, and i'm FINE. so i clearly don't NEED that many friends, few people probably do. but why my eagerness to make more and more friends? i don't know. i always jump ahead of myself, imagining myself having a fun dinner with people i've just met. in my mind, everyone could be a potential new good friend! oh how naive i am.

i always fail to realise that they may want nothing more than a "hi" from me. they may like me as a fairweather friend, they may not see me as able to become anything more than that.

and i can't help but wonder, is it them? or me?