cloth

it's hard when you look back at life and realise that so many things that went so incredibly wrong, were all your fault. you single-handedly manipulated each scenario to have the worst possible consequences.

happiness does not evade you. you evade happiness.

you lie under your 600-thread-count sheets every night, tormented by the blinking numbers on your clock, wondering what the hell happened to you. you've become used to this bitterness bubbling up at the back of your throat, keeping you on the edge of hysteria, licking at your need for control. it's your nightly companion. you can't live without this mockery of weakness. you dive in, ready to cry, but stop yourself just in time to feel satisfied at your perceived control. you smile, a smile so caustic and biting that one can't help but wonder who made you this way. you're aware of what everyone thinks of you, but you'd rather they think those horrible things, because then at least you have an identity. you're so lost, your lips mock others, finding faults in them that echo sentiments about yourself.

people have facades, but your facade becomes you. you'd rather have a constant. you're always changing, ticking every single box for insanity. you wonder which you you'll be today. you snap at people even when it's not that time of the month. you're so angry all the time, but your laughs are never fake. in those moments, you're truly happy. you feel yourself being a chirpy warm angel. but you also feel yourself being a defensive psycho. you're not "faking". you need to get a grip, you struggle to breathe when you feel too much, when things won't stop spiralling.

you hide in the nearest bathroom and clutch your chest, willing yourself to calm the fuck down. these incidents are becoming more and more frequent. you wonder why you're even panicking. and there it comes again. it whispers that you're crazy. it dares you to break down. it tempts you to be a damsel and seek solace in the arms of a sweet, willing boy, then throw him away right after. it runs through your veins. you close your eyes.

you're suddenly teetering, rejuvenated by the rage you feel at everything and nothing. you're volatile, you smirk at the hunger you've become so accustomed to. you wail. your screeches alternate with your nervous picking at your scabs, although you don't know what you're so scared of. you scream so loud, then you whimper in fear, thinking someone has heard your screams, although that's all you've ever wanted. you hit the prison bars, so frustrated at being so frustrated, although Sister Frustration has stuck with you the longest. your knees buckle and you need a cry. you're exhausted.

you open your eyes, and there you are, in your bathroom stall. you unlock the cubicle door, walk to the mirror, and, proudly as ever, make sure your makeup is still perfect. you take a deep breath and look at the other women around you. you're convinced you seem you have it all under control. you toss your lip gloss into your Chanel purse, look that selfish, shallow bitch in the mirror in the eye, and smirk.

no one needs to know there's anything else.

happy.

so...i've come to terms with the whole not singing thing recently.
i've been pouring everything i have into http://pxd.nu. please do click it it's amazing i promise (:

it's consuming all my energy but i love it, and i love watching more and more people like it on facebook every day. hehe.

i haven't done a singing video in forever but thats fine. if it was meant to be, it would have been by now. of course i do feel a tinge of regret but it's not the debilitating resentment toward everything and everyone that i used to feel.

i am so truly happy right now, and at peace with myself. ever since i cut my hair short, i've become much more confident and daring. it's just something about short hair that makes me feel good! haha.

and well. i'm just happy. i'm single, but i'm happy. when it's time, it will happen. if it doesn't, whatever (:

i really cannot explain my newfound peace and happiness but i GUESS it's cause i've been so absorbed w LIVING life and not moping around that i've discovered so many wonderful things and people (:

and also well when you have a new friend, you tend to be happy cause you just made a new friend (:

i'm quite sad that we aren't friends anymore.

i love you though. if ever you need someone, i'll be here.
i'm just sorry that i wouldn't give any more than i did, which i know was startlingly little.
you're so great and not a day goes by where i don't think about you and how i screwed things up so bad.
i wish we could have stayed that way forever, but i was unable to meet you halfway.
i know i threw us away, in retrospect i can see what a bitch i was.
but then again, i've always known i'm a bitch when it comes to these boy-girl things.
you were my best guy friend and i'm stupid for thinking we could stay as that without repercussions.
i want to bbm you, every single day, but i'm scared and don't know what to say.
don't be a stranger, and i hope one day you'll talk to me again (:

orange

i think i'm just going to type random shit because i can't sleep lol i'm a night owl.
hopefully i get some material to turn into a nice piece of SOMETHING.
hahahaha. sian.
anyway! random shit.

why won't you answer my calls, i can handle rejection or at least i thought. it's scary how i don't know myself at all. you know you got it going on, heard it on the radio, club-banger march egging me on. make me feel so "nothing's impossible", too bad jeopardy's something i can't remember. anthems of a little girl with no heart, she's convinced it's cause you stole it, now it strikes me she left it under the orange tree, the moment she decided to step onto the sun. it's funny how she had none to begin with, but dreamed up so much to give, a little piece with everyone on earth, a little bit to tide. tide the time, til they realise, it was all but real. air is magic air is fine, but air is all i know that's mine. the tree grew heavy, oranges ripe, little girl skipped back and forth, stole them, but there her heart she left still. leaves fell and bark peeled, little girl refused to return. without oranges, there was no reason to journey, her heart grew weary and rotted with time. little girl's face changed, much like dorian grey, oranges she thought she'd need, to make her sweet again. life got in the way, orange tree was forgotten, he got tired of keeping her dying heart. mother soil ate it up, with all the leaves that burned. little woman forgot where she'd left her heart, she looked for it in every friend she could find. she gave air, hoping to find her heart. more air she gave, and yet more still. she gave air, after a while convinced it was her heart in disguise. she wondered why it was such a mockery, why her heart wouldn't stay in whom it was given to. little woman couldn't remember what anything really was anymore. the orange tree sighed with misery, wanting to reach but he couldn't reach that far. orange tree waited in vain. one day, little woman woke up and found herself thirsting for some shade. she'd all but forgotten her friend. she ran to orange tree to reclaim her heart. she saw the empty space, mother soil made no apologies. this writer would like to say orange tree welcomed her with open arms and offered to make her a new one, but orange tree was giddy with hurt, and wept.
horses galloped from the burgeoning roots.

hello, is it me you're looking for?

it's alright to say you want it
get inside my dirty mind
burns like ice
the way i bring it again

the beat just dropped and the room got sexy.
i know you want me like kids want candy.



oh how wonderful it'd be to have such confidence like my favourite, britney spears.


soooo, i haven't blogged or done a song in forever, i don't really have anything new to report. but then again, don't i say that at the start of all my long-ass posts?

no one really reads my blog anyway lol.



okay so i spent the last four days in bangkok. i ate tons and shopped tons. because thats the kind of shallow person i am lol. i really don't want to see mountains. i mean i love the view of course, and all that, but really it speaks volumes about my character that i refuse to endure the climb to get to the top lol. explains why i'm never at the top.

this has always been and always will be one of my complexes. i'm painfully slightly above average.

i'm KINDA smart.
i'm doing KINDA okay/well-ish in most of my subjects in school.
i'm KINDA cute (not my words, people say i'm cute).
i'm KINDA pretty (again, it's what people tell me)
i'm KINDA well-off, financially i mean. (well, my dad is.)
i sing KINDA well (i know i have a pleasant voice. but i'm no charice)
i can KINDA write songs (but again, i'm no maven or creative genius)
i'm KINDA not fat (but i'm not skinny).


i mean, of course i'm lucky and blessed and all that shit, i know that. but such is human nature.
we are convinced our problems are SO BAD. we care about ourselves. we compare ourselves to others.

i mean, my best friend is going to oxford, and i have SO MANY other friends going to stanford, cambridge, the UCs, whatever, i don't actually give a shit about that. i mean, i do feel envy, but it's rare and it's slight. i'm mostly definitely happy for them. i love that my friends all have things they're gonna do. this is not what bothers me.

what bothers me is that what people say about all-roundedness? IT'S ALL LIES.

i'm envious only cause my friends have all found their niches (i don't know if niche can be used as a plural noun but whatever i'm lazy to google lol), whereas i'm stuck here in kinda-land. my friends have stated envy too because i can sing well compared to them (they say one, not me!), but i mean what's the point if it's not getting me somewhere? the whole point of having an attribute is so that your future success can be ATTRIBUTED to it right! like wealth from wiles, success from smarts and determination, happiness from hard work, etc. but i mean, my ability to sing isn't helping me, so....it's kinda wasted?

i walk into auditions, and i hear girls who are practically tone deaf, get in, while i'm ALWAYS out. because i'm not pretty enough. or skinny enough. yeah, i've been losing weight, but i mean, yeah main point is i'm not pretty enough.
i'm cute enough for people to call me cute. i'm small enough for people to call me slim. but it's not enough.
no one at labels cares if i can sing. i can't sing well enough to compensate for my lacking appearance.
lopsidedness wins. i'm not saying pretty girls get everything. why am i so passionate about music? i wish i was passionate about something else, like science. at least with science, hard work gets you places, nobel prizes and whatnot. with entertainment, you could be the most hardworking person on earth, but you're nothing if you're not utterly beautiful. and sadly, appearance is something beyond our control. maybe that's why i constantly feel a lack of control over my life. yeah, so many nowadays go for plastic surgery, but if you're not born pretty, no amount of surgery is gna make you gorgeous. but yeah, my point is, appearances aren't that important. unless you want to be a singer/actress/model. it sucks that i was born wanting to be one of those. i really don't give a rat's ass about acting or modelling though, i mean i'm not pretty enough, and like, i don't want to be a fucking celebrity. i just want to be a singer. i would be content singing at pubs and stuff, except i want to earn enough money from singing to pay for my children's education. i know i've said this before so many times, but yeah, i don't want to be the parent that cannot give her child opportunities. so what choice do i have other than to pursue a professional career in like, the entertainment industry and whatnot? how else am i going to earn good money from singing?

it doesn't escape me that i'm harbouring too much resentment and hoping for too much, and i should look forward and be happy and all that to attain inner peace. but i'm human. i'm usually cheery and easygoing, i swear, ask Keejia if you want. read her blog, she's like me, emo as hell, but idk. she writes pretty well. hehe. anyway! yeah i mean i'm not always harbouring this resentment and discontent. i'm only like this when i blog. and it sucks to be you if you only read my blog and you don't hang out w me in real life, then you'll only ever see this side of me, and reading my emo entries may make you emo too, so like, uh, sorry? lol. but i highly doubt it la, only my friends knw my blog url (:

 i guess it's what i deserve. cruel irony strikes me now, because i'm receiving SO MANY opportunities, but i'm never in one place long enough to get anything done. i love my dad, i love that he brings me travelling, i love that he's provided me with the chance to study abroad, i'm sure when i'm looking for a job in 5 years i'll be grateful. but every time i even mention staying in ONE PLACE just so i can actually FINISH something in terms of singing, he freaks out. it's just hard having to turn down so many chances to finish school.

my dad brings me to bars, he tells me to get a good look at the singers there, earning barely enough to get by. they're stellar. way better than i could ever hope to be. some of them are gorgeous to boot. his point? "why would you want this life?". i don't know, but i DO. i don't give a shit about being famous. i just want to have a job where i can do what i love, isn't that what everyone wants?

maybe it's laziness. i enjoy singing, so i would love a job where i won't have to do anything other than sing. it's an easy way out, an easy life. because singing is EASY to me. but honestly? i know this also speaks volumes about my character or lack thereof, but why the fuck is laziness such a bad thing?

if i can take the easy way out, why the hell not?
if i'm happy at the middle of the mountain, who the fuck has the right to tell me i SHOULD be aiming for the top?
why is climbing to the top so important?
i get that the view from the top is magical and all that, but honestly, if i don't care enough about the view to want to climb, then why SHOULDN'T i be allowed to remain at the middle?
or if i really like the soil at the bottom, i prefer being in a valley, where falling is impossible, why CAN'T i stay in the valley?
everyone thinks the top is the best.
too few people stop to think if it's the best for them.

fallen

Truth be told I've tried my best 
But somewhere along the way 
I got caught up in all there was to offer 
And the cost was so much more than I could bear 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent 
Love was raw and young 
We believed that we could change ourselves 
The past could be undone 
But we carry on our backs the burden 
Time always reveals 
The lonely light of morning 
The wound that would not heal 
It's the bitter taste of losing everything 
That I have held so dear. 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bent to take my hand 
Nowhere left to turn 
I'm lost to those I thought were friends 
To everyone I know 
Oh they turned their heads embarassed 
Pretend that they don't see 
But it's one missed step 
You'll slip before you know it 
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so




















and.......BAM!

TEEHEE.

inane ramblings of a korean-drama fiend.

today I realized I don't feel that weird nauseating feeling anymore.
i think of you and want to vomit, but only because i FINALLY realised that you threw me away like garbage, so going back to you would be embarrassing, and desperate on my part.

i'm not angry, i'm just SO. SO. thankful my pride has come back. i was never angry, i just felt like a loser because I've never felt special. You made me feel special for a bit, then after that you took it all away and made me feel like just another number AGAIN.

i talk to all my friends who are so happily in love and i realise i need someone who won't be ashamed of me, or treat me like some sort of toy.

i always went for the boys who never treated me right. i left the ones who did.

but my friend said something very true,

"every event changes you a little".

i wanted to have my shot at a "wuthering heights" or "great gatsby" sort of thing (i can't help it, i'm a pisces, we're BORN masochistic). i told my friend, i'd rather get the romance out of my system now, so that I can marry someone who I will love.

i don't know if any of you know, but i think since i'm really open about my family, yeah. my parents are divorced (don't feel sympathy. i'm happy they are. they've been this way since almost as long as i remember. THIS IS MY NORMAL). i've been living with my dad since then. just me and my dad and my uncle. we don't even have a maid because my dad is a good dad who won't let his child (me la! i'm the only one he has) become a spoilt brat.

side note: i swear to god, if my dad still has his farm by the time i have kids, i'm gonna make every single one of them work there. they will cut up meal worms with their bare hands and a pair of rusty scissors just like i do, they will scoop fish shit out of the pond just like i do, and they will definitely not have a maid, just like how I don't. i refuse to bring up a brood of elitist snobby brats. you don't mean ANYTHING to me unless you're willing to get your hands dirty. well unless you're keejia cause yknow, she's a diva that way but i still love her hahaha just kidding. i'm sorry for this rant-within-an-epiphany, cause like, i've just been hanging around so many people of this type of character, and it saddens me how their parents just let them get away with whatever. nono, don't get me wrong, i like to dress up too, sometimes. if i have to leave the house/farm. i think a good education is important too. i think being wealthy is a wonderful blessing and of course if you've worked hard to earn money, you have the right to spend however much you want to. or if you've been brought up spending money and being shallow and materialistic, it's okay because well it isn't your fault you're like this lol. i'm soooooo shallow and mean and bitchy and i spend way too much. but i just don't want my kids to be like me. i'm a total fuck-up lol. it's strange that i care so much about my future kids. i don't even know if i'm fertile LOLOLOL. if one day i go to the doctor and the gyno's all like "dayummmm, your ovaries be spoilt gurl." idk what i'll do. i will adopt i guess! but yeah, no matter how mean and cutting my father's words to me are when he's angry, i stay with him and i NEVER talk back, because he will be an EXCELLENT grandfather (also because i love him too much and we only have each other la. and he's super scary if i talk back idk what will happen lol i don't dare try). not to mention, he has money to provide for my children's education, if they should be so smart as to be able to go MIT or something (anything less, don't waste time, just study in NUS pls). I'm not confident in my own abilities to provide for my family in future (because I'm useless at everything lol) but i'm confident in my dad's willingness to if i should be unable to. i really don't want to be the mum that has to tell her kid he/she can't go MIT cause his/her mum fucked up her life. i also don't want to study a music course, i chose psychology instead, much as i was LUSTING after a music degree, because again, i don't want to be the mother that cannot provide for her children. can someone please tell me why i'm so invested in my future children when i'm not even like CLOSE to that age?!?!?!?! THIS IS SO ALARMING. nonono, i'm not going to take the easy way out and marry a rich guy. because it's SO hard to find a rich guy these days! and i'm not charming enough! i would love to though! LOL JUST KIDDING. i really don't want to lose my....self-respect? like, if i become some tai-tai, i become a VASE. my opinions become secondary to my rich husband's. it isn't an EQUAL marriage anymore. and research shows, the less balanced the marriage is, the more prone to divorce it is. i see so many marriages around me, where the woman married rich. the marriages are soooooooooo dysfunctional. I WANT NORMALCY. yes. sorry i cannot be concise but the main topic sentence of this paragraph is basically just I WANT NORMALCY AND A HAPPY MARRIAGE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON MY HUSBAND TO BRING HOME THE BACON. AND NORMAL SWEET CHILDREN. if i don't live with integrity, how can i expect my children to? ANYWAY, back to my MAIN entry, which is the whole epiphany thing....

i am SO fucking sick of hearing my dad say I'm exactly like my mum. it makes me so sick I cry every single time the thought crosses my mind. I even teared up while typing that previous sentence WTF.

it's just not a nice thing to hear. that I resemble the woman my dad would rather forget.

i feel BAD for looking the way i do and behaving the way i do and laughing the way i do, although i know it's not my fault. i'm a walking bottle of SALT for my dad's wounds. he loved her so much....i will never know how much my mum loved him. but my dad loved her so SO much.

my dad and i.....i love him. i love him. he loves me, but he hates who I am. everything I do, gets on his nerves, because i'm a fucking carbon copy of my mum.

not many people can understand the weight that that puts on my shoulders.

i respect my mum too. she has a proper job. a proper marriage. my mum's a stable career woman who seems to take good care of her children to boot. trust me, i don't detest the thought of being like her.



it's just....EVERY move I make, i make with the thought, "does this seem like something my mum would do?" in my mind. it's my first priority. i have to make sure i'm as different as possible, only that way will not only my dad, but will I see that it's okay to be me.

i don't blame my dad. he's one of the best fathers a girl could have. i tell him all my secrets, i show him to all my friends because i love him so much and am so proud of him for being my rock, my pillar of strength, the only one who is ALWAYS there for me.

it's just....i would like to be someone else, someone who looks and talks different, someone who THINKS different, just so my dad doesnt have to feel such misery whenever he even LOOKS at me.

ok i digress.

the point is, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK UP A MARRIAGE. i would rather DIE than become a divorcee. i will do ANYTHING i can in my power to not be a metaphorical walking bottle of salt. i refuse to hear th statement, "ugh. just like your mother", YET AGAIN.


ok so like you're probably wondering how this is relevant to my first point about the boy tragedy and whatnot.

well the thing is, i always carried the mindset that i should have my share of true love now so that I can marry in peace to whoever will bring me peace in future, without wondering if my love was still out there.
basically, i wanted to find my EPIC love, then fuck it up so i could remember how badly epic love hurts, so i could develop an aversion to passion and thus marry the guy who would make me content, instead of euphoric/suicidal.

i don't know if i'm making sense, i know i don't sound very coherent but it's something i can't describe.

ok, like if you learn psychology, what i'm trying to do to myself is the classical conditioning thing. I pair passion with such misery that i develop an aversion to passion and instead run to the safer option. YEAH that sounds so much clearer.

LOL omg but the guy i was emo-ing about, no no no, he wasn't my epic romance. nahhhhhh. he was....sigh i don't know. maybe he could have been. but we ended way too fast so like. THANK GOODNESS hahahaha. if not i'd be sooooooo much more screwed up. these types of things aren't healthy.

i haven't found my epic romance yet, but what i'm trying to say is (i know i keep digressing but this time i'm getting to the point FOR REAL LOL), I'M GONNA STOP LOOKING.

for those who're very puzzled by my stance cause they believe it's possible to have both passion and stability, LOL NO I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE. AT ALL. okay maybe at first. but research also shows that passion fades after 6 months!!!! after that it's just companionship and deeper emotional attachment, which is really happy i'm sure, i'm just saying you won't get "butterflies" anymore, i don't think.

every time i get hurt by an epic romance "omg he's my soulmate" sort of thing, i give myself additional baggage.

then, 10 years down the road, when i'm married, i'm gonna like, unintentionally start stupid arguments with my poor sweet (he WILL be sweet) future husband, who will have to deal with all my crazy baggage, even though he doesn't deserve to, cause he will have been nothing but nice (trust me, with 5 uncles and like almost exclusively male cousins, there's NO WAY i'm gonna marry a douche).

and who knows? one day he may find himself unable to carry all of my baggage.
then he'll walk. just like my dad did.

(:

finally, done with 3 of my 4 papers. i have a week til the final one, so i'm giving myself a little time to breathe.

chun's leaving for manchester.

i don't know, i don't have many things to blog about. my life's boring. i'm forever alone LOL just kidding. i think....it was a wake-up call that i needed. this world is evil!

people can be nice to you, but oh wary the things they say behind your back.
i guess, don't fear what they'll say, fear what they won't?


i've rarely been called slut/whore/bitch (thank goodness), but the one thing people call me is FAKE. most, if not all of my friends, had horrible impressions of me, and thought I was Queen Phony. I guess my badgering them to hang out all the time won because after hanging out with me more, they all tell me "I thought you were fake at first, but you're probably one of the least fake". I can't please everyone. I know that. But it feels funny that it's ONLY (i swear) the people who don't know me personally, or the people who've NEVER spoken to me, who call me fake.
Like i mentioned above, people who know me, don't call me fake. They may bitch about me, as all teen girls do, but the word fake doesn't come up (don't ask how i know).

i think this world has become too cynical though. it's really sad. I'm friendly to everyone I meet, because I really DO view every single person I meet as a potential good friend, because, why else would they appear in my life you know? But...it's sad that people have to twist that into "oh she's like soooo fake, she's nice to everyone, that's OBVIOUSLY fake, because she's TOO friendly it can't be real".

HONESTLY, EVERYONE? HONESTLY?

i shake my head at your lack of faith in the world.
what a dark world it is you live in.


P.S. - after much consideration, maybe their cynicism is better. I've been stepped on more times than I can count, used and thrown aside, used as a confidante but rarely as a true friend (luckily i know who my true friends are, and they are few). so maybe it's better to have your guard up. so you don't get trampled upon.

but no matter how much I try to be less "open" and "naive" (something my father always scolds me for: "so naive, you're not gonna end up anywhere!"), i can't. i somehow, after a few weeks, revert to that girl. that girl people hate because she's TOO sincere and therefore OBVIOUSLY insincere.

why my smiley post end up being emo nemo again? shake my head.

re: Stacks.

Skinny love at 3am, courtesy of one Mr. Bon Iver.
Don't worry, I'm not anorexic or anything. The song is literally titled skinny love.

For a while, I hated you. I hated that you didn't have the courage to dive in and risk it all with me.
I hated that you liked me but "not enough" to want to be more than what we were.
What were we? Fuck if I knew.

Yeah. I hated you, cried over you, hated that you could text me saying you'd met someone new just 5 days after we "ended". I use quotation marks cause we never really even started.

I hated that you had the gall to add "I hope we can still be friends" after dropping that bombshell.

I saw images of you in everyone I cast glances upon, saw you in every fancy car that drove past me, saw you every time I passed by any jeans store, cause my elephant memory cursed me to forever remember that you have a penchant for true religion jeans with the white stitching on the back pockets.

I hated when you'd disappear for weeks or months, giving me time to heal, then suddenly text me out of nowhere to make sure I'd get sucked right back in. I would have gotten over you a lot faster, if you weren't so fucking psychic. At the precise moments when I resolve to erase your smile from my mind, you text. Or call. Or facebook me. Or something.

It as wondrous cause it was so coincidental, it allowed me to escape with the delusion that we had something special. But it also made me realise I was being stupid. It's not that you were psychic, it's just that I was thinking of you way too much, that's why at any given moment, when you texted me, I'd already be thinking of you.

I had a long talk with sarah, because she's going through some dilemma with a douchebag not worth mentioning.

I encouraged her to move on, to ditch him, saying it like it was the easiest thing in the world to do.
I forgot that it's one of the hardest.

What makes it even harder is that you won.
I'm fucking competitive, that much I will admit.
I hate to lose.
So to know that you won, that you escaped less hurt than I was, that you stole my heart but never really gave me yours, that you found a new girl way before I could even look at another guy, all this meant to me was that YOU WON, AND I LOST. It was a contest, to see who could care less, and you won.
I hated having the carpet pulled out from under me.
I knew all along that we weren't gonna be anything, because long distance things just don't work. but I hated that you cared little enough to not even entertain the thought of being in one with me. It showed how little you cared for me.


Anyway, yeah. To sum it all up, I hated you, so I loved you.
Then I had that talk with sarah. I had an epiphany: I had to stop hating you.
I was telling sarah to do so many things, to ditch the douche, to just forget him, etc etc,
But if I couldn't even do those things, how the hell can I expect Sarah to take my advice seriously?

Sarah's always been my little sister, and my heart aches whenever I see her going through a bad time. I try to help, to advise, but I can't do that if I'm a mess as well.
I had to practise what I preached.

(THIS NEXT BIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT)

I can't hate you, because you did nothing wrong.
We're two people who fell in love in the blink of an eye,
It's just that you fell out of it first.
We're two people who usually have commitment issues,
But we're not soulless: we're willing to truly love another and commit if we find the right one.

It's just that at that time, I was convinced you were the one I'd try to change for.
You didn't feel the same about me.

We're two people who will find our soulmates,
Just that I thought you were mine,
Whereas you knew I was never gonna be yours.

I hated, so I loved. You made me cry, so I couldn't forget.
But now I don't blame you anymore, nor do I hate you, because you've moved on and found someone else, hopefully this time someone you'll see things through with. I wish you all the best, and hope I find someone too, but that someone won't be you, and I'm finally fine with that, no secret glimmer of hope whatsoever anymore. It was never your fault, nor was it mine. We just didn't fit.

So I guess you can tell where this is going: I don't hate anymore.
So I don't love anymore. I will always have a soft spot for you, I will always fear seeing you because seeing you even for a minute may undo all this progress, but you'll be happy with someone someday, and you've made it clear that that someone isn't me. I'm just co-operating, so I won't put you in any difficult situations when we meet. I can't say we'll be good friends and get along well when I go back in July, but at least now, you can stop being so fucking awkward and uncomfortable with/around me and so mean to me, because I'm making it clear that I'm okay.

I know you won't read this, but I wish you would, because you need to know there's no need for awkwardness and caution when dealing with me anymore, if not you're gonna forever be an awkward meanie panda who doesn't know how to act around me.

Now, I just hope you won't like me anymore in this lifetime, because I don't know if I'll be able to say "no", and I sure as hell won't be this mature the 2nd time around.

me singing at a school thing

this was from super long long ago, like a year back. i've gotten better since though (:
anyway, yeah it's a cover of if i ain't got you by alicia keys, with my friend Bryan playing the piano (:
LOL i spazz at the end, i usually shake and wiggle my body before/after a performance cause i'm always a nervous wreck hahaha.

hello!

so, like, hi. i haven't blogged in quite long and i'm sorry. i just don't really like blogging cause it brings out my introspective/pensive/emo side, which kinda sucks because i've been in an okay mood recently, i don't want to ruin it.

but right now i'm blogging because, as usual, i'm trying to avoid doing work.

this may or may not be a short blog post, i don't really plan them out, so i'll keep typing and see where it leads me. also, my computer is threatening me every 2 minutes with the "low battery power" dialogue box, so I may not be able to get much stuff on here, cause I like to live dangerously, i.e. challenge my computer to a race to the finish line. on a daily basis. ever seen the quote, "colour my life with the chaos of trouble"? yeap that's me. forever living like a badass mofo gangsta queen *sarcasm*.

so recently i've been bemoaning my "forever alone" status. one of my best friends just got her first love (AWW) and first bouquet of flowers. i'm happy for her and all, but i think going overseas for uni makes things so much harder cause aussies can't date you (you spend half your time in singapore), and people from singapore can't date you, cause you spend half your time in australia. so i guess it's very hard. the same goes for friendships. people i spend every day with here in melbourne, i hardly talk to when i get back home. we just go back to our "Real" friends when we're in singapore. we only maintain contact with each other here in melbourne due to circumstance. so really, studying overseas is kind of weird. of course, i'm very grateful for this opportunity. i'm just saying!

i'm one of those hypocritical people. i'm one of the most easily influenced people you will ever meet, and i'm the epitome of "always blaming others, never herself". but i really hate people like me. people like me get on my nerves. I've grown up this past year. My friends know me as understanding and very sympathetic, the person most able to look at things from another's point of view. If I don't, it's usually cause I won't, not because I can't. It's easier to blame others when you can feign ignorance of their predicament and indulge in the misery of your own situation.

Anyway, yeah. This time 2 years back, or even last year, I was the undisputed queen of insensitivity. i NEVER ever spared any consideration for others' feelings, and persistently believed I was right, til the very end. Now, I still fall into that nasty habit of self-righteousness, but at least i have the decency to squeak out a barely-audible apology hours/days later. It's a survival skill. In my family, I'm the only one who says sorry. If i don't say it, no one else will. then the whole family unit turns into shit. I've become so good at apologising and understanding, because i HAVE TO BE.

so now, i've changed. and I'm listening to people who complain about their lives but cause their own destruction. they're so aware of their self-destructive ways but continue because it's fun, and deep down, who doesn't love a bit of drama? they love being treated like crap. they love the romance of a tormented life. they blame others for influencing them. they blame boys for treating them badly. they blame friends for treating them badly. they blame the whole world. they refuse to just suck it up and move on, because god forbid, that would take away the drama and romance from their lives. since you're so aware of your shortcomings, why not try to change? why constantly SAY that you try to change but never do? I drop so many hints it's ridiculous, but these friends like to trap themselves in a cycle of self-pity. no amount of advice goes into their smoke-clogged brains.

i used to think a boyfriend would make things better, provide me with the affection and kindness i wanted so badly. i thought having a boyfriend validated my personality and likeability. i was wrong. it's true, what they say: if you don't respect yourself, boys aren't gonna respect you. they're gonna walk all over you.

i don't think sleeping with many guys makes a girl a slut at all.

i think, when a girl depends on a boy to tell her she's good enough, when she needs a boy to fill her days, when she actually secretly enjoys being a bad girl cause that's how she gets attention, that's when she has become a slut.

i won't deny it. i was a slut once. i haven't dated many guys, but I went into my first relationship at seventeen, 2 years ago, for the sake of having a boyfriend. it wasn't nice, because that's a horrible thing to do. the boy sincerely liked me, but i just used his admiration to feed my insufficient self-esteem, over the moon at the THOUGHT that a boy actually liked me for who I was. of course, a few weeks into it, he confessed that he dumped his ex after she got fat, so i ended it right there. after that, i avoided any and all relationships for more than a year. after that, i started waiting for a boy to come, a boy who would tell me he liked my kindness, my caring nature, my understanding ways, etc. that boy never came.

why? because i realised, i didn't like myself. i gave off the vibe that i was eager for reassurance, so obviously, boys being as keen as they are in this department, sensed my slutty desperation. i mean slutty in the "desperate" sense of course, not "omg i will sleep with any guy" kind of slutty. refer above for MY definition of slutty. anyway, yeah, so the guys could sense my vibe, so they took the opportunity. so I was lamenting and whining to myself cause the ONLY guy my friend has dated, treats her so much better than my 2-3 (one of them didn't have a label so i'm a bit confused) exes ever did. then it hit me, they never treated me with respect because i never demanded it. to them, i was easy to please. they just had to SAY the right things to feed my self-esteem, and i'd be off thinking about how well they understood me.

i honestly don't even remember like where i digressed from anymore lol. i wanted to go back to my main point but i've kinda lost track so i don't know where to go back to haha. oh yeah yeah! i've avoided dating since i came to this realisation. because i don't want to date until i love myself. why should i constantly seek out a boy who will love my personality? why must i need a boy who will TELL me he loves my personality? WHY CAN'T I BE ENOUGH FOR ME?

no matter how many boys you date, my friend, they're all gonna be jerks if you don't love yourself. because these boys KNOW you NEED the assurance. they happily provide it and in exchange, you give them everything. you give everything, and all you get is assurance, which of course also disappears when they leave you after they realise you're not worth the trouble.

you COULD be worth all the trouble in the world, if you truly believed it. but you don't. you grasp at straws trying to find someone who will embrace your personality, because you won't embrace it yourself. sure, you're AWARE of your personality, and you know you can be charming, but you hate yourself. you hate yourself, but changing is hard. finding a boy who will temporarily remove the need to change is the easier way out. so you go find boys. how do i know this? i've been there.

it pains me and annoys me, seeing my friends go through things i've been through myself. granted, no one experience is exactly the same, but they're all pretty similar. take from this what you will, but I do wish you wouldn't treat yourself so badly. you simultaneously blame yourself, and blame those around you, for who you've become.  i don't care if you drink hard and smoke hard, but i do care that you go back to your old habits because it's the EASIER thing to do.

it's easier to fuck up and mess around and blame people and blame yourself and wallow and have a relapse and break things and punch walls,

than it is to get up and DEAL with the mess you've made, isn't it?

i think, even though there's no use crying over spilt milk, it sure as hell is worth DEALING WITH and CLEANING UP, because if you just "move on" and "change" but leave the milk there, it's gonna turn sour and well, you know how the smell of sour milk can spread for miles, right?

amazing

Young Blood

wild

So far, life has been good.

I want and need a lot of things I never thought I would. I’ve been staying at home every weekday, which is cool because I guess I’m doing something with my life instead of just gallivanting around town and spending money unnecessarily.

It’s now the dead of night and I have to wake up early tomorrow. 

I don't know. Sometimes life can be quite confusing. I don't think I’m as confused as I am scared. it seems like an impossible task. My friends don't even recognize me anymore. I’m wrought with panic and anxiety. I used to be so notoriously diffident; so unaffected; so willing to leave things in God's hands. I left every decision to "fate", regardless of its importance. If I wanted to buy a blouse and couldn't decide which color to get, I’d just ask the salesgirl, "do you have these in (my size)?" usually, things would turn out alright. The salesgirl would come back from the stockroom in the back of the store and say to me, "I’m sorry, we only have it in black. The blue's all sold out." and voila, I’d get the black. Fate was cool that way. Sometimes of course, I’d leave the big decisions to fate too. They were mostly academic decisions like: "law VS psychology VS classics" or "Melbourne VS NYU" (obviously i chose Melbourne, but I'm already regretting it) or even (when I was much younger) "dad VS dream". Everything became so much easier when left to fate. Responsibility was lifted off my shoulders and shifted onto the broad back of fate. I wasn't required to make decisions anymore. I wasn't required to work hard to do my research to help me make those decisions anymore. Everything became so simple. Fate was my excuse for everything. I shoved everything to the cosmos, to the heavens, to fate. It was my favorite thing to do. I think I mastered the art of laziness.

I’m so longwinded. Ugh. Anyway, now it seems like Fate is taking revenge on me, for piling so much shit on its back. It’s telling me to make my own decisions for once. It’s not working very well because pessimism and cynicism takes up a good 70% of my outlook on life, so my decisions are a little....disadvantageous. I’ll probably end up screwing myself over. 

So now I’m scared. I’m so scared I can't even bring myself to imagine trying. Why bother, when it'll only lead to heartbreak? I don't like the guilt of hurting someone, but I’d take that over the hurt any day. I'm incapable of not fucking up. I don't trust myself. I don't want to lose this happiness I have right now. It's a bubble that I fear is going to burst at any given moment. And I'm pretty sure it's not a bubble filled with glitter, so after it bursts, I’ll be left with the feeling that something's gone. There’ll be nothing left other than vague but heart-wrenching memories. It's always better never to have blown that bubble in the first place. Now, if only my heart would listen.

i wish i hadn't known how much i mean to you.

we're better when we're not together.

here it is

haha so SOMEONE, or rather 2 someones (Vicki and KJ) have been asking me to upload pics of my new hair. and KJ said i should post more camwhore pics (lord knows why hahaha) so here's a pic SPAM of my new hair (: and i did my nails, i rather like them too, so i'll post a pic of my pink hair and blue nails.

i know my hair looks red but it really isn't. it's hot neon pink. like, i bought purple dye, but apparently, cause bleach turns hair yellowish, purple + yellow = pink?!?!

the hair shop guy never said anything about that ): he said if i didn't bleach my hair the purple wouldn't show. i reallyyyyy think the bleaching wasn't necessary. maybe then my hair would have turned out purple, proper.

it's like a unicorn puked a rainbow and glitter on me.

yes, bleaching tends to do that to your hair. v proud of the fact that i don't have split ends...yet...

so ta-da everyone, my new hair (:

so, i've been diligently attending classes, but the only times i don't have a totally blank expression is during philosophy and psychology. russian and calculus just boggle my mind. i should have stuck to japanese, then i'd be able to do a year of exchange in TOKYO (where no one would bat an eyelash at a girl with pink hair btw). aiyaaa. maybe i go exchange in seoul national. hehehe. no thanks to russia man, i don't wanna see vodka everywhere in minus 20 deg weather.

calculus is CRAZY. whoever said it's a repeat of JC/secondary/high school/ foundation programme maths is LYING. blatantly false.

i miss hanging out with bren ): he be my bestest guy friend ever. eeeeee. i need to get one of those international calling sim cards, then can call bren and maybe kj and idk who else. hahaha. but me and kj don't actually talk much, i don't think. LOL omg i'm a hermit i can't even think of anyone back home i'd like to call or someone who'd like to talk to me. really only brendan. WOWWWWW. my social life is super haps huh.

and and, this staying home and partying with my lecture notes thing is totally not working. i usually end up at some streaming site or other watching gossip girl/HIMYM/BBT/glee/VD/random korean drama/any jap drama w kame or yamapi in it/ or as a last resort, any random taiwanese drama.

i sit down, decide i need food/tv/sleep/water/coffee/to do my laundry/ to vacuum the floor/ etc.

a myriad of "necessary to complete NOW" tasks pop into my mind the moment i plant my ass on the table to start work on something.

c'est la vie.

new friends, cool friends.

samantha, kelly, so glad to have met you guys.
always have my back, so ready to leap into friendship.
so warm, so accepting, so steady haha <3

arielle, weijun, etc. etc.
you guys are way too adorable when drunk, but arielle you need to control yourself!
weijun, you're so....i don't know. you have your bitchy moments, but you're a nice big bear who always makes fun of me but you never mean any harm. you're a genuinely nice guy.
arielle, it was nice talking to someone who's been through everything i've been through.
keep your head up, don't let it get to you, and i'll do the same.
one day we'll be partying together as people who matter, and we'll be so awesome cause we'll be tough. we've been through crap.

cheryl cheong:
i miss you. i'm so happy for you because....you're always happy.
you seem to genuinely like your life, have no complaints, and all that.
i'm so happy i have a friend like you, who teaches me to be happy with what i have.
you make me remember the simple pleasures in life, just sitting and talking about nothing in particular.
we talk about such inane stuff, you're my time away from all the craziness, we can just....be young and happy.
no boy talk, no uni talk. just talk about things that make us happy (band and baking for you)!
i miss you already.

vicki, sarah.

vicki: i'm happy you're around.
you always make sure we meet up.
you never judge.
you listen and are always on my side no matter what.
you bring me back down to earth.
you make sure i don't waste money and waste food.
you make me feel loved.
you're always around, always.
you welcome me with open arms even after i've gone MIA for way too long.
love you (:



sarah:
you're the younger sister i never had
for a while i couldn't stand you
you were a self-absorbed poser bitch
who would have spelt poser "poseur" (i mean seriously wtf)
you're the wild one.
the one who lets me know it's okay to not be perfect.
you never ever judge me.
you accept me
are always on my side
you're easygoing
you always rush to wherever i am whenever i need you
you're sweet
you never feel like you're better than anyone else (you used to though but you're so good now)
you never make me feel bad for being a total jew
it's okay for me to eat hawker food and dress like a hobo when i'm with you
you're my oldest friend
i used to be the one telling you to not do this, not do that.
now you're the one giving me advice, because we're both fucked up, except you've been through it already.
i'm still learning the ropes at being a dysfunctional human being.
but you make me see that it's okay to be who i am.
with you, i feel like there's nothing wrong with either of us (:

ode to KJ

well, not really an ode.

kinda just like....

please update your blog.
please post cute camwhore photos like you used to.
don't lose your spark.
i'm glad we got to meet today.
i love your birthday present to me.
i love the card.
i'm a bit sad about life in general and karma but thinking about black swan with you made it better.
i hope i'll never be late again!
you keep the friendship going
well not really. sometimes i do! haha
that's the thing, it's a team effort.
and like....i'm happy we're still so close despite not meeting often.
i'm happy it's hos over bros!
lucky we never ditched each other to go meet guys or anything.

lucky you're around to keep me in check (:

cause you're the most disciplinarian friend i have. hahaha.

there's nothing more to say

hung out with kelly and samantha at starbucks yesterday.

they're really funny people, made me laugh a lot. 

http://perezhilton.com/2010-06-29-listen-to-this-christina-aguilera-should-have-recorded-this

this song is goooood (:

bored at 4am + newly-bought red lipstick = camwhore.

i'm chatting to a friend right now on msn. her boyfriend asked her to be his girlfriend while they were watching fireworks on new year's eve.

why do i never get such romantic treatment?

is it something about my (narcissistic camwhorey) face that makes people think they don't need to put in any effort? or that i'm not worth it?

eeyur.

side note: i did get a wonderful necklace once though, ages ago. i feel infinitely sorry for screwing up the gift by postponing our meeting, but it was and still is an awesome gift.

i need to rethink my non-negotiables. hands up if you know what those are. haha loser if you actually put your hand up.

1,2,3.

i don't see the harm, so are you game?
1,2,3, not only you and me.
everybody loves...

that's the song i'm listening to right now. guess.
so buzzed for the hold it against me music video to come out.
britneyfan4lyfe.

just caught the latest episode of glee, i finally remembered why i love glee.
the mash up was epic, as y'all probably would have heard by now.
i never used to care much for the yeah yeah yeahs. they were like the arcade fire. so forever "next big thing" and famous but still indie-cool, but i refused to listen to them, cause...i don't know. lazy? so many bands, so little time.

my bad for not giving them a chance. they're both good. there's this song i heard in some random store near grand central earlier today, and it was so good, and i was all "i gotta remember the lyrics so i can google it when i get back to the hotel". but then i got back, immediately started watching SECRET GARDEN (i'm freaking addicted to it!!!! i'm so sad it's over) and forgot all about the song. now it's gone. sigh.

i thought i'd be shopping loads in new york, but idk, nothing seems to really appeal to me? been vintage shopping but everything is so BIG. all the skinny hipster boys took the small sizes i think! jkjk. Every time i walk into UO/HM/ZARA, i'm just all like sianzxz. UO not worth the price AT ALL, and singapore has (or is gonna have) zara/hm, so why come all the way to NY to buy those things right? so i've been visiting thrift/vintage stores and eating pizza every day. i'm not kidding. EVERY. DAY.

new york has awesome pizza.

damn fat naoz but whatever.

ok let me just blog about secret garden cause i seriously need to talk about it, yes i'm like some no-life auntie who watches korean dramas all day whatever it's DAMN GOOD.

korean dramas are usually SUPER sama-sama (same-same), but this wasn't. it was still A BIT sama-sama, but not so bad. there was still the usual guy-forcing-a-kiss-onto-the-girl-and-she-ends-up-loving-it, which i hate cause it makes guys think that when we say NO, we mean yes. which is crap. we mean NO, you jerks. and there was also the usual prolonged-staring with sad music added to the background (lazy to hyphenate, soz), which i seriously think must be damn awkward for the actors. like can you imagine just STARING at each other for 5 minutes in total silence? lolz.

but that being said,

it's damn. bloody. good.

it was semi-realistic. which is ironic cause the plot is ridiculous. they switch souls when it rains lol wth? but then it's realistic cause it's not like he's some romantic hero? he does have trouble giving up his wealth and whatnot to be with her, he does face some dilemmas about like, whether she's worth all the trouble. he's frank about his initial reticence.

but i LOVE LOVE LOVE the ending. it's honest. it's not some fairy tale. in the end, he does have to give up most of his material possessions, and he's not completely happy, he does have regrets, but the girl helps him get through it, day by day.  it's not some crappy montage with them laughing and playing with their children and the guy narrating "i gave up all that but it's ok i'm happy now cause i have love" (i'm looking at you, love and other drugs). and it ended with like a flashback. so we're left going, "ohhhh, so this is how deep their love is".

and i don't know, hyun bin is a damn good actor!!! i don't find him SUPER SUPER handsome, but he was endearing la.

then like, the body-switching rain thing was just epic. he drove into the rain to switch bodies with the comatose girl so that he'd become the brain-dead one, and she'd be able to live. it's like, somehow believable? no, not the plot. we all know the plot is....it's never gonna happen. it's believable that he'd do that for her i mean. usually i'm like "omg wtf so cliche i buay tahan", but this time i was crying like madddddd. cause the script had already subtly but effectively driven home the point that he loved her THAT much, so the audience could believe that he'd die for her yknw? and also hyun bin is a very good actor lol.

and it's so funny. it's like coffee prince, cause we can laugh one minute and cry the next. the script just had so much verve. it was so tight and....idk. the script was just good la.

plus the adorable tracksuits! i want one toooo!!!

and wahhhhhhhh i watched that body-switching episode SO MANY TIMES. AND CRIED. AND CRIED. AND CRIED SOME MORE.

it's just a super awesome show la everyone should watch it. like seriously, the best korean drama i have, EVER, watched.

i know it's super naive of me, but i wanna meet someone i love that deeply someday. sometimes i think about who i'd die for, and there's only one person. well, my dad of course. i know it's too much to ask, to have a korean drama love affair kinda thing going on, and my hair would probably "turn gold with grief" if that kind of heart-wrenching love ever happened to me (guess the book the above quote is from. it's awesome. hint: there's a character with my name in it). but idk. if you're not willing to die for someone, how are you gonna be able to live with him for 50 years?

passion fades, yknow?
that's just the way it always is.

stuttering

feeling very camwhorey. i don't feel ashamed for putting such a picture up, because even if other girls don't put them up, i know that other girls camwhore too. who doesn't?!

so yeah, token camwhore shot. not sure if i've used this one already, it's quite old. about a month old. i only like this cause i'm kinda emo-child in it. i'm usually smiling. this is a change. idk if i look bad when i don't smile, but yeah this is kinda what i look like. if i'm very sleepy. and hungry.

karina pasian

I Know That You've Been Calling Me,
And I'm happy that we met.
Don't think that I'm not interested.
I'm just playing hard to get

[Bridge:]
So much about this crazy game they call love
That I'm trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I?

[Verse 2:]
You seem to know just what you want
And I like your confidence
Some things a girl should never rush
Cause If you do you hurt yourself

[Bridge:]
So much about this crazy game they call love
I'm still trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I

[Breakdown:]
I'm too young for tears in the night
And it's to soon for this to be right
Don't wanna mess with your pride
The questions not when but why

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
I Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't... I




yeah. about sums it all up.
story of girls' lives. 
we get swept off our feet, then we get all stressed cause everything's going too fast.
i think i like this song.


but right now i'm quite chill. taking a break. 


for those of you who don't know, i've been holidaying in canada. vancouver, victoria, banff(!!).


tomorrow: calgary.


then: edmonton, new york, hongkong.


then i will finally be back home. although i'm not so sure i want to be. i'm having fun avoiding the realities of daily life.


countless photos, didn't take any of the rockies though cause i can't exactly carry a camera while zooming down a fluffy white mountain? 


sunshine village yesterday had awesome powder snow, i could make turns and slow down so i had good control, and we all know control is very important. when we don't feel a sense of control, we get scared, so we get tense. then of course we FALL on our asses. 


i had the fright of my life today at lake louise though. not enough snow, so it was pretty icey. so i ended up just literally zooming down the slope. i had to fall to stop myself from crashing into a tree. pretty fucking terrifying. i've always fancied myself as a decent skier, and i guess i am, but like. dude, turn on the freakin' snow machine. it's dangerous when there isn't enough snow, cause when i try to turn or brake, i end up twisting my ankle and falling. CAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH SNOW for the skis to push into to stop/slow down. i'm sorry i'm not awesome enough to be able to deal with it, but i'm on easy and intermediate, i shouldn't have to know how to parallel turn and zoomzoom down a slippery slope omg. that's black diamond standard.


today was the first time i ever fell while skiing. i'm just thankful i only twisted my ankle. i'm thankful i didn't fly off the ramp, at least my skis maintained contact with the ground.




scary scary.


side note: next time i'm just gonna stick to skiing in japan/korea, cause at least then i'll have cute azn boys to gawk at (not while actually skiing of course!!! that's dangerous, kids.) here all angmooooo. i mean they're cute la. but that's it? damn sian one. then i don't like staring cause i don't wanna have any involvement in the whole colonialist SPG thing going on. what if i stare then the angmoh boys think, "of course she wants me, she's asian. they're all cheap sluts who want white boys." EEEEEE. 


i'm not racist! i just don't want to have any part in fueling the "chinese slut" stereotype.


i digress. took so many peekchas!!! idk which to upload on my blog. i'll just like, put them on facebook, then the most liked ones shall be posted on here as well mmkay ^^


idk if ashywashybambam reads this, but if he is: ashes don't be hatin', you're always going to europe!!!

n`1

okok. i know i suck, my blog always damn emo one.

happy post number ONE.

my life is awesomezxz.
idk.
i....am.....walao sian.

i have a lot of things to be grateful for, but i don't know what to be HAPPY about.

maybe i'm happy about a certain boy. but that falls under grateful cause i'm grateful he feels the same.

i don't know man. hahahaha. i'm so confused. i'm happy i have all 4 limbs, but...shouldn't that fall under the "i'm grateful for..." list too?

maybe instead of "i'm happy that..." i should be aiming for "i'm happy". just "happy". inner peace. without condition or context.

but how to random random happy? like damn weird?

i swear i'm a very cheerful person in real life. but i'm just not happy lor. not right now. not when i'm sitting alone, at home, spam-blogging wtf.

maybe if i were blogging while i was with him, or out with someone, i'd sound happier. cause i'd be happier at that moment.

how to make happiness last?

i wanna bottle it up and drink it without having to deal with a hangover the next day.

http://yankaykay.net/2011/01/photoshop-101/

knn i also wanna look so chio la. she like some damn pretty thai girl. i have this thing for thai girls.
the picture damn nice. hahahaha makes me want a pair of irregular choice shoes.
pls someone buy me a pair thanks ^^

potato

just to clarify:

i do love the friends i have.
i do appreciate them being there for me.

i just would rather not need anyone to be there for me.
i need, and it SUCKS that i need.

because no one is capable of being there for someone else 24/7.
and i'm a demanding self-centred girl who isn't satisfied with anything less than 24/7.

you can be there for me 22/7 and i'll only remember the 2 hours that you weren't.
cause like i said, i'm a bad person that way.

so don't trust half the things i say on my blog. everyone in my life is awesome. i'm just never satisfied.

empathising isn't my forte, being a brat is.

tomato

so those of you who're in the know probably are aware of the recent change in my life. it's a drastic change, but like always, i'll survive.

i thank my dad. i thank him for raising me to become who i am today. i may not be the best daughter around, but he's taught me to survive, to tolerate, to understand. he regularly berates me for being too naive or too nice, but i really don't think that's a bad thing. yeah, i'll always be disappointed, i'll always be heartbroken, i'll always be on the losing end. so what?

i make people laugh. i'm understanding to a fault. i'm there for people who aren't really there for me. i don't know why, and i hate myself for being this way. i hate this part of myself as much as my dad does. i hate always being the giver. i hate being tossed aside once my friend isn't free and has better things to do with her time. i hate caring.

but like i said: so what?

i'll always be the one crying. i'll always be the one who listens to my friend whine about her ex-boyfriend. i'll always be the one left hanging when she decides she's whined enough and she doesn't need me anymore.

but so what, because i don't need anyone.

each of my friends knows pieces of my life. enough pieces to paint me a cliche. a walking tragedy of money-gone-wrong. enough for people to semi-understand why I'm always wallowing in a pit of self-pity. no one knows my entire life story. not really. i will never tell anyone because simply put, people judge. i'll spend my entire life repenting for mistakes that weren't mine.

i don't like blogging seriously because every single one of my posts is filled to the brim with self-pity. if it isn't self-pity, it's deprecation. i don't know why. i like putting myself down before others get the chance to do so. i like bathing in self-pity because i don't want other people to pity me. i seek solace in blogging i guess.

i don't want to need anyone. you place your heart in someone else's hands, who knows what they might do with it?

i'd rather be the one being needed, the one being called to whine to, the one understanding, the one empathizing (that's my forte), the one giving advice,
than the one running everywhere just to seek solace in another.

i used to give a little piece of myself to each and every one of my close friends. but then they stop needing me so they disappear, or they're done unloading and don't realise maybe i have shit to say too, so they disappear, then i cry. so i don't anymore. i listen with sincerity and "unconditional positive regard" (as Rogers says is essential when counseling someone), but i don't talk much anymore.

because everyone has their own set of problems. everyone has their own shit to deal with. you're fucking delusional if you think anyone's gonna truly understand or care. i will never truly understand the brevity of the situation if my friend's mother has just passed away. i will empathize but i will never truly understand. i will also fail to understand someone's misery if he told me his father just got sent to jail. all we can do is empathize.

seeking empathy is seeking a temporary respite. it gives a false sense of comfort and security. it's momentary. i'm majoring in psychology. our mantra is to let shit out. it's one of the golden rules of therapy. people can't heal themselves if they don't verbalize their issues first. but i rarely do that. it's ironic, really, but probably common among psychologists. they listen, but they never talk.

i refuse to paint myself in a fantastic "lone ranger" light. i do always call my friends and whine to them about my problems. but i don't ever ever say what lies beneath or how i feel about this certain problem. but of course, my friends never notice this because they're busy trying to put themselves in my shoes and imagining how they'd feel if they had been put in my situation. people will listen to what you say, but they rarely question  what you don't. so it's a trick i've learnt over the years. i don't like revealing my deepest feelings because they show who i am: a horribly self-centred person. and i'm deathly afraid of judgment.

but yeah. i don't really have a point. this post is, like all the others, scattered and illogical, maybe even pointless. yes, i know it shows me to be a very disorganized person.

i don't know. i say that a lot. i don't know what i'm trying to express, i don't know.

i only know that i'd rather deal with my own shit and move on. i'll always rely on others to help me out of tricky situations because i'm absolutely incapable of independence. so don't get me wrong. i'm not like, a solid, noble, self-supporting person, much as i wish i was. i just don't want to give my heart away.

last night, i confided in a girl i never thought i'd confide in. drunk as i was, i still remembered to censor my confessions. i always do. but anyway. yeah. and it feels bad because now it feels like i can't clean my own shit up and i'm whining. i don't like being this person that people pity. and who knows if she'll tell others, maybe even exaggerate things?

next thing i know, people are gonna pity me. or they'll realise what a mistake they made being friends with me and then they'll walk away.

then it's fucking game over.



P.S. - if you're reading this, just know that this is what i mean when i said "unsure". i don't like how you make me feel. i feel like i need you, and i hate being the needy girl. because guys hate needy girls. you'll get scared and walk away. i've also never been needy. it's one of my few strong points. so you taking that away, scares me.

garypepper

i love this photo. nicole warne is awesome.