re: Stacks.

Skinny love at 3am, courtesy of one Mr. Bon Iver.
Don't worry, I'm not anorexic or anything. The song is literally titled skinny love.

For a while, I hated you. I hated that you didn't have the courage to dive in and risk it all with me.
I hated that you liked me but "not enough" to want to be more than what we were.
What were we? Fuck if I knew.

Yeah. I hated you, cried over you, hated that you could text me saying you'd met someone new just 5 days after we "ended". I use quotation marks cause we never really even started.

I hated that you had the gall to add "I hope we can still be friends" after dropping that bombshell.

I saw images of you in everyone I cast glances upon, saw you in every fancy car that drove past me, saw you every time I passed by any jeans store, cause my elephant memory cursed me to forever remember that you have a penchant for true religion jeans with the white stitching on the back pockets.

I hated when you'd disappear for weeks or months, giving me time to heal, then suddenly text me out of nowhere to make sure I'd get sucked right back in. I would have gotten over you a lot faster, if you weren't so fucking psychic. At the precise moments when I resolve to erase your smile from my mind, you text. Or call. Or facebook me. Or something.

It as wondrous cause it was so coincidental, it allowed me to escape with the delusion that we had something special. But it also made me realise I was being stupid. It's not that you were psychic, it's just that I was thinking of you way too much, that's why at any given moment, when you texted me, I'd already be thinking of you.

I had a long talk with sarah, because she's going through some dilemma with a douchebag not worth mentioning.

I encouraged her to move on, to ditch him, saying it like it was the easiest thing in the world to do.
I forgot that it's one of the hardest.

What makes it even harder is that you won.
I'm fucking competitive, that much I will admit.
I hate to lose.
So to know that you won, that you escaped less hurt than I was, that you stole my heart but never really gave me yours, that you found a new girl way before I could even look at another guy, all this meant to me was that YOU WON, AND I LOST. It was a contest, to see who could care less, and you won.
I hated having the carpet pulled out from under me.
I knew all along that we weren't gonna be anything, because long distance things just don't work. but I hated that you cared little enough to not even entertain the thought of being in one with me. It showed how little you cared for me.


Anyway, yeah. To sum it all up, I hated you, so I loved you.
Then I had that talk with sarah. I had an epiphany: I had to stop hating you.
I was telling sarah to do so many things, to ditch the douche, to just forget him, etc etc,
But if I couldn't even do those things, how the hell can I expect Sarah to take my advice seriously?

Sarah's always been my little sister, and my heart aches whenever I see her going through a bad time. I try to help, to advise, but I can't do that if I'm a mess as well.
I had to practise what I preached.

(THIS NEXT BIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT)

I can't hate you, because you did nothing wrong.
We're two people who fell in love in the blink of an eye,
It's just that you fell out of it first.
We're two people who usually have commitment issues,
But we're not soulless: we're willing to truly love another and commit if we find the right one.

It's just that at that time, I was convinced you were the one I'd try to change for.
You didn't feel the same about me.

We're two people who will find our soulmates,
Just that I thought you were mine,
Whereas you knew I was never gonna be yours.

I hated, so I loved. You made me cry, so I couldn't forget.
But now I don't blame you anymore, nor do I hate you, because you've moved on and found someone else, hopefully this time someone you'll see things through with. I wish you all the best, and hope I find someone too, but that someone won't be you, and I'm finally fine with that, no secret glimmer of hope whatsoever anymore. It was never your fault, nor was it mine. We just didn't fit.

So I guess you can tell where this is going: I don't hate anymore.
So I don't love anymore. I will always have a soft spot for you, I will always fear seeing you because seeing you even for a minute may undo all this progress, but you'll be happy with someone someday, and you've made it clear that that someone isn't me. I'm just co-operating, so I won't put you in any difficult situations when we meet. I can't say we'll be good friends and get along well when I go back in July, but at least now, you can stop being so fucking awkward and uncomfortable with/around me and so mean to me, because I'm making it clear that I'm okay.

I know you won't read this, but I wish you would, because you need to know there's no need for awkwardness and caution when dealing with me anymore, if not you're gonna forever be an awkward meanie panda who doesn't know how to act around me.

Now, I just hope you won't like me anymore in this lifetime, because I don't know if I'll be able to say "no", and I sure as hell won't be this mature the 2nd time around.