Sunday, June 12, 2011

fallen

Truth be told I've tried my best 
But somewhere along the way 
I got caught up in all there was to offer 
And the cost was so much more than I could bear 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent 
Love was raw and young 
We believed that we could change ourselves 
The past could be undone 
But we carry on our backs the burden 
Time always reveals 
The lonely light of morning 
The wound that would not heal 
It's the bitter taste of losing everything 
That I have held so dear. 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bent to take my hand 
Nowhere left to turn 
I'm lost to those I thought were friends 
To everyone I know 
Oh they turned their heads embarassed 
Pretend that they don't see 
But it's one missed step 
You'll slip before you know it 
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so





















and.......BAM!

TEEHEE.



Thursday, June 9, 2011

inane ramblings of a korean-drama fiend.

today I realized I don't feel that weird nauseating feeling anymore.
i think of you and want to vomit, but only because i FINALLY realised that you threw me away like garbage, so going back to you would be embarrassing, and desperate on my part.

i'm not angry, i'm just SO. SO. thankful my pride has come back. i was never angry, i just felt like a loser because I've never felt special. You made me feel special for a bit, then after that you took it all away and made me feel like just another number AGAIN.

i talk to all my friends who are so happily in love and i realise i need someone who won't be ashamed of me, or treat me like some sort of toy.

i always went for the boys who never treated me right. i left the ones who did.

but my friend said something very true,

"every event changes you a little".

i wanted to have my shot at a "wuthering heights" or "great gatsby" sort of thing (i can't help it, i'm a pisces, we're BORN masochistic). i told my friend, i'd rather get the romance out of my system now, so that I can marry someone who I will love.

i don't know if any of you know, but i think since i'm really open about my family, yeah. my parents are divorced (don't feel sympathy. i'm happy they are. they've been this way since almost as long as i remember. THIS IS MY NORMAL). i've been living with my dad since then. just me and my dad and my uncle. we don't even have a maid because my dad is a good dad who won't let his child (me la! i'm the only one he has) become a spoilt brat.

side note: i swear to god, if my dad still has his farm by the time i have kids, i'm gonna make every single one of them work there. they will cut up meal worms with their bare hands and a pair of rusty scissors just like i do, they will scoop fish shit out of the pond just like i do, and they will definitely not have a maid, just like how I don't. i refuse to bring up a brood of elitist snobby brats. you don't mean ANYTHING to me unless you're willing to get your hands dirty. well unless you're keejia cause yknow, she's a diva that way but i still love her hahaha just kidding. i'm sorry for this rant-within-an-epiphany, cause like, i've just been hanging around so many people of this type of character, and it saddens me how their parents just let them get away with whatever. nono, don't get me wrong, i like to dress up too, sometimes. if i have to leave the house/farm. i think a good education is important too. i think being wealthy is a wonderful blessing and of course if you've worked hard to earn money, you have the right to spend however much you want to. or if you've been brought up spending money and being shallow and materialistic, it's okay because well it isn't your fault you're like this lol. i'm soooooo shallow and mean and bitchy and i spend way too much. but i just don't want my kids to be like me. i'm a total fuck-up lol. it's strange that i care so much about my future kids. i don't even know if i'm fertile LOLOLOL. if one day i go to the doctor and the gyno's all like "dayummmm, your ovaries be spoilt gurl." idk what i'll do. i will adopt i guess! but yeah, no matter how mean and cutting my father's words to me are when he's angry, i stay with him and i NEVER talk back, because he will be an EXCELLENT grandfather (also because i love him too much and we only have each other la. and he's super scary if i talk back idk what will happen lol i don't dare try). not to mention, he has money to provide for my children's education, if they should be so smart as to be able to go MIT or something (anything less, don't waste time, just study in NUS pls). I'm not confident in my own abilities to provide for my family in future (because I'm useless at everything lol) but i'm confident in my dad's willingness to if i should be unable to. i really don't want to be the mum that has to tell her kid he/she can't go MIT cause his/her mum fucked up her life. i also don't want to study a music course, i chose psychology instead, much as i was LUSTING after a music degree, because again, i don't want to be the mother that cannot provide for her children. can someone please tell me why i'm so invested in my future children when i'm not even like CLOSE to that age?!?!?!?! THIS IS SO ALARMING. nonono, i'm not going to take the easy way out and marry a rich guy. because it's SO hard to find a rich guy these days! and i'm not charming enough! i would love to though! LOL JUST KIDDING. i really don't want to lose my....self-respect? like, if i become some tai-tai, i become a VASE. my opinions become secondary to my rich husband's. it isn't an EQUAL marriage anymore. and research shows, the less balanced the marriage is, the more prone to divorce it is. i see so many marriages around me, where the woman married rich. the marriages are soooooooooo dysfunctional. I WANT NORMALCY. yes. sorry i cannot be concise but the main topic sentence of this paragraph is basically just I WANT NORMALCY AND A HAPPY MARRIAGE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON MY HUSBAND TO BRING HOME THE BACON. AND NORMAL SWEET CHILDREN. if i don't live with integrity, how can i expect my children to? ANYWAY, back to my MAIN entry, which is the whole epiphany thing....

i am SO fucking sick of hearing my dad say I'm exactly like my mum. it makes me so sick I cry every single time the thought crosses my mind. I even teared up while typing that previous sentence WTF.

it's just not a nice thing to hear. that I resemble the woman my dad would rather forget.

i feel BAD for looking the way i do and behaving the way i do and laughing the way i do, although i know it's not my fault. i'm a walking bottle of SALT for my dad's wounds. he loved her so much....i will never know how much my mum loved him. but my dad loved her so SO much.

my dad and i.....i love him. i love him. he loves me, but he hates who I am. everything I do, gets on his nerves, because i'm a fucking carbon copy of my mum.

not many people can understand the weight that that puts on my shoulders.

i respect my mum too. she has a proper job. a proper marriage. my mum's a stable career woman who seems to take good care of her children to boot. trust me, i don't detest the thought of being like her.



it's just....EVERY move I make, i make with the thought, "does this seem like something my mum would do?" in my mind. it's my first priority. i have to make sure i'm as different as possible, only that way will not only my dad, but will I see that it's okay to be me.

i don't blame my dad. he's one of the best fathers a girl could have. i tell him all my secrets, i show him to all my friends because i love him so much and am so proud of him for being my rock, my pillar of strength, the only one who is ALWAYS there for me.

it's just....i would like to be someone else, someone who looks and talks different, someone who THINKS different, just so my dad doesnt have to feel such misery whenever he even LOOKS at me.

ok i digress.

the point is, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK UP A MARRIAGE. i would rather DIE than become a divorcee. i will do ANYTHING i can in my power to not be a metaphorical walking bottle of salt. i refuse to hear th statement, "ugh. just like your mother", YET AGAIN.


ok so like you're probably wondering how this is relevant to my first point about the boy tragedy and whatnot.

well the thing is, i always carried the mindset that i should have my share of true love now so that I can marry in peace to whoever will bring me peace in future, without wondering if my love was still out there.
basically, i wanted to find my EPIC love, then fuck it up so i could remember how badly epic love hurts, so i could develop an aversion to passion and thus marry the guy who would make me content, instead of euphoric/suicidal.

i don't know if i'm making sense, i know i don't sound very coherent but it's something i can't describe.

ok, like if you learn psychology, what i'm trying to do to myself is the classical conditioning thing. I pair passion with such misery that i develop an aversion to passion and instead run to the safer option. YEAH that sounds so much clearer.

LOL omg but the guy i was emo-ing about, no no no, he wasn't my epic romance. nahhhhhh. he was....sigh i don't know. maybe he could have been. but we ended way too fast so like. THANK GOODNESS hahahaha. if not i'd be sooooooo much more screwed up. these types of things aren't healthy.

i haven't found my epic romance yet, but what i'm trying to say is (i know i keep digressing but this time i'm getting to the point FOR REAL LOL), I'M GONNA STOP LOOKING.

for those who're very puzzled by my stance cause they believe it's possible to have both passion and stability, LOL NO I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE. AT ALL. okay maybe at first. but research also shows that passion fades after 6 months!!!! after that it's just companionship and deeper emotional attachment, which is really happy i'm sure, i'm just saying you won't get "butterflies" anymore, i don't think.

every time i get hurt by an epic romance "omg he's my soulmate" sort of thing, i give myself additional baggage.

then, 10 years down the road, when i'm married, i'm gonna like, unintentionally start stupid arguments with my poor sweet (he WILL be sweet) future husband, who will have to deal with all my crazy baggage, even though he doesn't deserve to, cause he will have been nothing but nice (trust me, with 5 uncles and like almost exclusively male cousins, there's NO WAY i'm gonna marry a douche).

and who knows? one day he may find himself unable to carry all of my baggage.
then he'll walk. just like my dad did.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

(:

finally, done with 3 of my 4 papers. i have a week til the final one, so i'm giving myself a little time to breathe.

chun's leaving for manchester.

i don't know, i don't have many things to blog about. my life's boring. i'm forever alone LOL just kidding. i think....it was a wake-up call that i needed. this world is evil!

people can be nice to you, but oh wary the things they say behind your back.
i guess, don't fear what they'll say, fear what they won't?


i've rarely been called slut/whore/bitch (thank goodness), but the one thing people call me is FAKE. most, if not all of my friends, had horrible impressions of me, and thought I was Queen Phony. I guess my badgering them to hang out all the time won because after hanging out with me more, they all tell me "I thought you were fake at first, but you're probably one of the least fake". I can't please everyone. I know that. But it feels funny that it's ONLY (i swear) the people who don't know me personally, or the people who've NEVER spoken to me, who call me fake.
Like i mentioned above, people who know me, don't call me fake. They may bitch about me, as all teen girls do, but the word fake doesn't come up (don't ask how i know).

i think this world has become too cynical though. it's really sad. I'm friendly to everyone I meet, because I really DO view every single person I meet as a potential good friend, because, why else would they appear in my life you know? But...it's sad that people have to twist that into "oh she's like soooo fake, she's nice to everyone, that's OBVIOUSLY fake, because she's TOO friendly it can't be real".

HONESTLY, EVERYONE? HONESTLY?

i shake my head at your lack of faith in the world.
what a dark world it is you live in.


P.S. - after much consideration, maybe their cynicism is better. I've been stepped on more times than I can count, used and thrown aside, used as a confidante but rarely as a true friend (luckily i know who my true friends are, and they are few). so maybe it's better to have your guard up. so you don't get trampled upon.

but no matter how much I try to be less "open" and "naive" (something my father always scolds me for: "so naive, you're not gonna end up anywhere!"), i can't. i somehow, after a few weeks, revert to that girl. that girl people hate because she's TOO sincere and therefore OBVIOUSLY insincere.

why my smiley post end up being emo nemo again? shake my head.