amazing

Young Blood

wild

So far, life has been good.

I want and need a lot of things I never thought I would. I’ve been staying at home every weekday, which is cool because I guess I’m doing something with my life instead of just gallivanting around town and spending money unnecessarily.

It’s now the dead of night and I have to wake up early tomorrow. 

I don't know. Sometimes life can be quite confusing. I don't think I’m as confused as I am scared. it seems like an impossible task. My friends don't even recognize me anymore. I’m wrought with panic and anxiety. I used to be so notoriously diffident; so unaffected; so willing to leave things in God's hands. I left every decision to "fate", regardless of its importance. If I wanted to buy a blouse and couldn't decide which color to get, I’d just ask the salesgirl, "do you have these in (my size)?" usually, things would turn out alright. The salesgirl would come back from the stockroom in the back of the store and say to me, "I’m sorry, we only have it in black. The blue's all sold out." and voila, I’d get the black. Fate was cool that way. Sometimes of course, I’d leave the big decisions to fate too. They were mostly academic decisions like: "law VS psychology VS classics" or "Melbourne VS NYU" (obviously i chose Melbourne, but I'm already regretting it) or even (when I was much younger) "dad VS dream". Everything became so much easier when left to fate. Responsibility was lifted off my shoulders and shifted onto the broad back of fate. I wasn't required to make decisions anymore. I wasn't required to work hard to do my research to help me make those decisions anymore. Everything became so simple. Fate was my excuse for everything. I shoved everything to the cosmos, to the heavens, to fate. It was my favorite thing to do. I think I mastered the art of laziness.

I’m so longwinded. Ugh. Anyway, now it seems like Fate is taking revenge on me, for piling so much shit on its back. It’s telling me to make my own decisions for once. It’s not working very well because pessimism and cynicism takes up a good 70% of my outlook on life, so my decisions are a little....disadvantageous. I’ll probably end up screwing myself over. 

So now I’m scared. I’m so scared I can't even bring myself to imagine trying. Why bother, when it'll only lead to heartbreak? I don't like the guilt of hurting someone, but I’d take that over the hurt any day. I'm incapable of not fucking up. I don't trust myself. I don't want to lose this happiness I have right now. It's a bubble that I fear is going to burst at any given moment. And I'm pretty sure it's not a bubble filled with glitter, so after it bursts, I’ll be left with the feeling that something's gone. There’ll be nothing left other than vague but heart-wrenching memories. It's always better never to have blown that bubble in the first place. Now, if only my heart would listen.

i wish i hadn't known how much i mean to you.

we're better when we're not together.