tomato

so those of you who're in the know probably are aware of the recent change in my life. it's a drastic change, but like always, i'll survive.

i thank my dad. i thank him for raising me to become who i am today. i may not be the best daughter around, but he's taught me to survive, to tolerate, to understand. he regularly berates me for being too naive or too nice, but i really don't think that's a bad thing. yeah, i'll always be disappointed, i'll always be heartbroken, i'll always be on the losing end. so what?

i make people laugh. i'm understanding to a fault. i'm there for people who aren't really there for me. i don't know why, and i hate myself for being this way. i hate this part of myself as much as my dad does. i hate always being the giver. i hate being tossed aside once my friend isn't free and has better things to do with her time. i hate caring.

but like i said: so what?

i'll always be the one crying. i'll always be the one who listens to my friend whine about her ex-boyfriend. i'll always be the one left hanging when she decides she's whined enough and she doesn't need me anymore.

but so what, because i don't need anyone.

each of my friends knows pieces of my life. enough pieces to paint me a cliche. a walking tragedy of money-gone-wrong. enough for people to semi-understand why I'm always wallowing in a pit of self-pity. no one knows my entire life story. not really. i will never tell anyone because simply put, people judge. i'll spend my entire life repenting for mistakes that weren't mine.

i don't like blogging seriously because every single one of my posts is filled to the brim with self-pity. if it isn't self-pity, it's deprecation. i don't know why. i like putting myself down before others get the chance to do so. i like bathing in self-pity because i don't want other people to pity me. i seek solace in blogging i guess.

i don't want to need anyone. you place your heart in someone else's hands, who knows what they might do with it?

i'd rather be the one being needed, the one being called to whine to, the one understanding, the one empathizing (that's my forte), the one giving advice,
than the one running everywhere just to seek solace in another.

i used to give a little piece of myself to each and every one of my close friends. but then they stop needing me so they disappear, or they're done unloading and don't realise maybe i have shit to say too, so they disappear, then i cry. so i don't anymore. i listen with sincerity and "unconditional positive regard" (as Rogers says is essential when counseling someone), but i don't talk much anymore.

because everyone has their own set of problems. everyone has their own shit to deal with. you're fucking delusional if you think anyone's gonna truly understand or care. i will never truly understand the brevity of the situation if my friend's mother has just passed away. i will empathize but i will never truly understand. i will also fail to understand someone's misery if he told me his father just got sent to jail. all we can do is empathize.

seeking empathy is seeking a temporary respite. it gives a false sense of comfort and security. it's momentary. i'm majoring in psychology. our mantra is to let shit out. it's one of the golden rules of therapy. people can't heal themselves if they don't verbalize their issues first. but i rarely do that. it's ironic, really, but probably common among psychologists. they listen, but they never talk.

i refuse to paint myself in a fantastic "lone ranger" light. i do always call my friends and whine to them about my problems. but i don't ever ever say what lies beneath or how i feel about this certain problem. but of course, my friends never notice this because they're busy trying to put themselves in my shoes and imagining how they'd feel if they had been put in my situation. people will listen to what you say, but they rarely question  what you don't. so it's a trick i've learnt over the years. i don't like revealing my deepest feelings because they show who i am: a horribly self-centred person. and i'm deathly afraid of judgment.

but yeah. i don't really have a point. this post is, like all the others, scattered and illogical, maybe even pointless. yes, i know it shows me to be a very disorganized person.

i don't know. i say that a lot. i don't know what i'm trying to express, i don't know.

i only know that i'd rather deal with my own shit and move on. i'll always rely on others to help me out of tricky situations because i'm absolutely incapable of independence. so don't get me wrong. i'm not like, a solid, noble, self-supporting person, much as i wish i was. i just don't want to give my heart away.

last night, i confided in a girl i never thought i'd confide in. drunk as i was, i still remembered to censor my confessions. i always do. but anyway. yeah. and it feels bad because now it feels like i can't clean my own shit up and i'm whining. i don't like being this person that people pity. and who knows if she'll tell others, maybe even exaggerate things?

next thing i know, people are gonna pity me. or they'll realise what a mistake they made being friends with me and then they'll walk away.

then it's fucking game over.



P.S. - if you're reading this, just know that this is what i mean when i said "unsure". i don't like how you make me feel. i feel like i need you, and i hate being the needy girl. because guys hate needy girls. you'll get scared and walk away. i've also never been needy. it's one of my few strong points. so you taking that away, scares me.