in case you thought i died

just been watching this over and over:




note: i like the blonde one. i kinda hate the fact that he's blonde right now but he's usually my favourite (:

told you guys my life has been uber happening *sarcasm*


met MCP today. was supposed to be fun but i was just wallowing in uni application stress so i was like just sulking the whole time, hahahaha i must have been FUUUUUUN *sarcasm again*

KJ got into oxford i'm proud of that babydoll. i can't help but notice that every time she succeeds, i fail. O levels was so (okay i didn't fail but shush). JC too. and now, Uni. OK ACTUALLY MELBOURNE UNI IS A REALLY GOOD SCHOOL BUT LIKE I SAID, SHUSH!
i meant fail not in the sense that I ended up at a bad place in life, but more like...i could have done much better, or in the case of university stuff, her punctuality and like total responsibility is such a sharp contrast to my useless haphazard lousy applications. her, with her impeccable oxford package tied in a pretty pink ribbon (figuratively speaking), versus me with my random stack of papers and lousy crap whatever last-minute applications.

whats the point of working so hard if i only actually start really working hard at the last minute?
you would think after so many times i'd take a leaf out of her book. but NOOOOO, i do stupid things like go for auditions, perform, stuff that i love but it ain't gonna feed my (future) children. I waste my time dreaming and doing unimportant things. I guess i'm not driven enough. It's true, i don't want it bad enough. There are things i want bad enough but theyre things that will never happen ANYWAY and they're things that are....a waste of time.

seriously. i'm cute but i'm not gorgeous. I sing but not superbly. I act but only decently. I can't even dance. I'm turning 19 soon.

WHY CANT I GROW THE FUCK UP?


every time i perform i lie to my dad and say i'm going out.
i never used to think of it as a waste of time, but like...my dad's words are starting to get to me. yeah i get some momentary happiness but for what?
why can't i be a good girl and like, do my fucking Uni shit or study or work or intern or something resume-friendly?

it's not like i spend my entire life trying to gain fame. no. i just do gigs here and there. audition, get to the 2nd or 3rd round, then quit cause my dad would never allow it anyway. but why? i know i can't do stuff like that, so why the fuck i waste my time?

i despise the rat-race yet i hopelessly partake in it.





Much as UCL seems so out of my reach, it'd be cool if i could go there. then KJ every day wow! hahaha. nawww we'd probably get sick of each other, we're both fiercely individual individuals.


if i could turn back time, concord over trinity any day. Concord would have resulted in a much EASIER uni application process, as the British A-levels are recognised EVERYWHERE. My nonsense foundation studies grades are like, unheard of, and my school doesn't even exist in the American database. They have schools in ARUBA but not Trinity College. Seriously. Makes everything so stressful.

i just had no idea that Concord even existed.


well. too late for regrets. if i do stay in melbourne, I will work my ass off to do my friggin' postgrad at NYU.

PhD. long way to go.



so i just realised that this whole post is about me not being who i need to be. Maybe it's my dad's expectations that are getting to me. or maybe it's ME. i'm a fucking hypocrite who goes around acting like a boho free spirit kinda dreamy girl who's better than the rat race, but deep down inside i want want want to win it.


okay. so after thinking about it, it's me. it's easier to blame my dad, and it's also most probably true. but like....if i had the guts, NOTHING would get in the way. NOTHING. his expectations? bullshit.

i'm just a fucking coward who can't fucking decide if she wants to be an academic or a neo-hippy pop princess.



it's disgusting how much i hate myself.


i'm not scared of failure. i'm scared of my dad rejecting my success.




i have dreams. i have goals. but i'm no american movie kind of girl. i don't live only for myself. my dad provides me with the money to live, he gets to decide what i do with this life. he takes care of me, the least he could ask for is my obedience.


seems fair.