collect call

perfect for rainy weather.

Sometimes i'm scared. I'm scared to take. I question intentions when I'm take. There's no such thing as unconditional in my books. I fear the sound of your heart breaking when you realize there's no way i will ever give back. My selfishness knows no bounds when it comes to matters of the heart. I've been saying no time and again. My fear of taking traps me in my house.

I don't know who I am, nor do i know what I want. So i decide that since I have no idea who it is i'm looking for, I shouldn't even try. Why try when I don't like them anyway? I hang out with friends, perfectly happy that my love life has completely shut down. I used to anticipate the arrival of flashy cars at my doorstep, the person driving them offering expensive meals and even more expensive gifts. I used to skip to the bus stop, heart fluttering at the thought of the handsome charmer I'd be watching a movie with, a few streets away. I used to say yes just because I didn't want to be making the mistake of a lifetime by saying no.

I don't anymore. It's tiresome. Awkward conversations, forced (or stifled) laughter, expectations. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, but I work hard to put forward a better version of myself. Even when I don't have to.

I want to just hang out. As friends. In a group. With no intimacy to send me into cardiac arrest.

I love hanging out with my friends. I have more than enough things going on in my life to fill my calendar. I simply see no need to spend any of this time on dates. Friends and family are much more important to me. I remember when I used to be crazy about boys, getting all giggly and giddy and flattered and going out with them just because I was desperate to find SOMEONE and I didn't want to be "missing out" on a maybe-rare opportunity. Now I really cannot be bothered. I have gotten rid of the boys and jerks in my life, making space in my brain for friends and more importantly, myself. I have stopped letting boys determine my mood, and worse, my self-worth.

But i'm an extreme girl. The delicate balance between friends and romantic entanglements evades me. There are now probably boys who are very very angry at me. And yeah, I have no one to blame for that, or for not having someone i know in real life to swoon over. But I'm okay with it.

Why give myself a chance to MAYBE like someone? I want to believe that I'll find someone whom I'll love at first sight. I want to believe that I'll find someone I will not be able to give up.

It's hard for me to find this balance. It's hard for me to take without second-guessing. It's hard for me to give without resenting. It's hard for me to say yes without regretting.

Dearest friends, please don't call me and say "I know you're afraid of letting your guard down, but you have to try". No. that isn't the point anymore. i'll admit, this used to be a major issue for me. Now, it's just about me not caring enough. I really do not care if I have no guy in my life, no guy asking me out, no guy chasing me, no guy making me feel wanted.
I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. I have healthy self-esteem ^^ I actually think I am wayyy too confident. I'm a female douchebag. But I digress.

My family loves me. My friends love me. I'm not about to give up my time with them for boys who "have a thing for" me. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I know that as usual, this blog post is hopelessly disorganized and incoherent (maybe I can pass this off as one of my "stylistic elements" LOL). I guess all i'm trying to say is that I just see spending time on boys as being a lousy waste of time.

Brendan said I may be turning lesbian. Maybe. I don't think so, but i will not completely eliminate this possibility.

NO i do not have many many boys in my life. It's not a revolving door of guys or whatever. NO i am not "popular with guys". NO. I won't disagree if you call me cute but please, I'm not gorgeous or anything. so NO. I'm not like, damn happening with boys. I just have gone out enough times to be able to write such an entry. Throughout most of my year in CJC i only liked one guy, if you guys don't believe me, ask my/his friends! I'm v loyal okay ^^ PLEASE NOTE: when I refer to my experiences, I mean just going out, no physical contact at all. children, please do not engage in casual sex. you will get an STD or many many STDs. And then you will die. watch mean girls, the PE teacher said so!


lambast me if you want, give me flak if you want, call me a slut if you want, say "who do you think you are, you think way too highly of yourself" if you want. I don't care, because yeah, I do think highly of myself. It's really not my problem if you aren't a very confident person and you resent anyone who is.

Lesson learnt from How I Met Your Mother: EVERYONE has a boy or girl they're keeping "on a hook". That is, everyone has a boy or girl that they keep around as an "option", or a "spare tyre". So if you want to critique me, think about yourself first, because chances are, you probably are torturing a poor boy or girl somewhere in this world.

okay, pictures.

at wisma w fj hy kok chew low kj (she'd gone home by the time these pics were taken) 

xinwang w vicki (:

kj who got me from the airport!

trinity folks helping me move house back in melbourne. miss you guys! had fun w chun and her friends at zoukout, but no pics were taken hehe.

jazreel <3

more pics will be uploaded soon. photobucket's kinda being a bitch right now.