send me the moon

i took this a few days ago, when i was still living in my bubble of academic complacency.

so as usual, i'm blogging because i'm trying to avoid studying. This wouldn't usually be an issue, except I have a major history exam tomorrow. So i'm once again, shooting myself in the foot. I'm past the point of caring anymore. I'm doing well enough to get into Melbourne University, but my hopes and dreams of anything more than that seem so far gone that there isn't any visible point in me striving anymore. Why bother when it's unattainable? Yes, it is. I need a 92%. The way i did yesterday's and today's papers for literature and math respectively, I'm expecting high 70s to mid 80s. Even if I kick ass on my remaining papers, there's no plausible way I could get 92%. So whatever? I do still hope for a miracle of course, being optimistic to the point of delusion is a typical piscean trait. But i've just lost all motivation to study. I seem to always aim high then coast and regret but tell myself "hey, it's okay, where i am right now isn't that bad!" which is true of course, at least I'm still at a decent school. But should I be so easily contented, when I know that I am capable of so much more? I know i'm relatively bright, so I never study until the day before a paper, knowing it'll be enough to 'get me through'. I have tried starting early before, I start studying too early, then by the time exams draw near, I burn out. I get so sick of studying and so disenchanted with my life as a student that I decide, 'you know what? i think i'm sufficiently prepped. i can't take anymore studying. fuck this, i'm gonna go chill, at least i know i'll get through it." That dreadful thought, 'i'll get through it'. It's laziness at its very worst. So either way, my results turn out the same: just enough to get me through.

maybe it's my family background, maybe it's genetics (my mother was notoriously lazy, so she tells me. and i take after her in almost every aspect). But i don't know. I'm actually a bit...happy right now?

Because I used to hate my life and go like FML all the time.

But now I realise, we reap what we sow. So i may still be utterly appalled at myself, but i've reached a state of...peace? I'm no longer full of angst. Now it's more like contrition. I know i deserve my grades (or lack thereof). I'm just thinking, "yeah, i have no one to blame but myself. i've been given countless opportunities to prove myself, and not once have i stepped up to the plate. i don't think i deserve to be angry because...this really is a grave i have dug for myself. all i can do now is hope that i do indeed get through it, and work harder next year. i promise i will. i swear! i really will work harder next year, goddammit!"

i sense the imminent onslaught of a vicious cycle.