(:

finally, done with 3 of my 4 papers. i have a week til the final one, so i'm giving myself a little time to breathe.

chun's leaving for manchester.

i don't know, i don't have many things to blog about. my life's boring. i'm forever alone LOL just kidding. i think....it was a wake-up call that i needed. this world is evil!

people can be nice to you, but oh wary the things they say behind your back.
i guess, don't fear what they'll say, fear what they won't?


i've rarely been called slut/whore/bitch (thank goodness), but the one thing people call me is FAKE. most, if not all of my friends, had horrible impressions of me, and thought I was Queen Phony. I guess my badgering them to hang out all the time won because after hanging out with me more, they all tell me "I thought you were fake at first, but you're probably one of the least fake". I can't please everyone. I know that. But it feels funny that it's ONLY (i swear) the people who don't know me personally, or the people who've NEVER spoken to me, who call me fake.
Like i mentioned above, people who know me, don't call me fake. They may bitch about me, as all teen girls do, but the word fake doesn't come up (don't ask how i know).

i think this world has become too cynical though. it's really sad. I'm friendly to everyone I meet, because I really DO view every single person I meet as a potential good friend, because, why else would they appear in my life you know? But...it's sad that people have to twist that into "oh she's like soooo fake, she's nice to everyone, that's OBVIOUSLY fake, because she's TOO friendly it can't be real".

HONESTLY, EVERYONE? HONESTLY?

i shake my head at your lack of faith in the world.
what a dark world it is you live in.


P.S. - after much consideration, maybe their cynicism is better. I've been stepped on more times than I can count, used and thrown aside, used as a confidante but rarely as a true friend (luckily i know who my true friends are, and they are few). so maybe it's better to have your guard up. so you don't get trampled upon.

but no matter how much I try to be less "open" and "naive" (something my father always scolds me for: "so naive, you're not gonna end up anywhere!"), i can't. i somehow, after a few weeks, revert to that girl. that girl people hate because she's TOO sincere and therefore OBVIOUSLY insincere.

why my smiley post end up being emo nemo again? shake my head.

re: Stacks.

Skinny love at 3am, courtesy of one Mr. Bon Iver.
Don't worry, I'm not anorexic or anything. The song is literally titled skinny love.

For a while, I hated you. I hated that you didn't have the courage to dive in and risk it all with me.
I hated that you liked me but "not enough" to want to be more than what we were.
What were we? Fuck if I knew.

Yeah. I hated you, cried over you, hated that you could text me saying you'd met someone new just 5 days after we "ended". I use quotation marks cause we never really even started.

I hated that you had the gall to add "I hope we can still be friends" after dropping that bombshell.

I saw images of you in everyone I cast glances upon, saw you in every fancy car that drove past me, saw you every time I passed by any jeans store, cause my elephant memory cursed me to forever remember that you have a penchant for true religion jeans with the white stitching on the back pockets.

I hated when you'd disappear for weeks or months, giving me time to heal, then suddenly text me out of nowhere to make sure I'd get sucked right back in. I would have gotten over you a lot faster, if you weren't so fucking psychic. At the precise moments when I resolve to erase your smile from my mind, you text. Or call. Or facebook me. Or something.

It as wondrous cause it was so coincidental, it allowed me to escape with the delusion that we had something special. But it also made me realise I was being stupid. It's not that you were psychic, it's just that I was thinking of you way too much, that's why at any given moment, when you texted me, I'd already be thinking of you.

I had a long talk with sarah, because she's going through some dilemma with a douchebag not worth mentioning.

I encouraged her to move on, to ditch him, saying it like it was the easiest thing in the world to do.
I forgot that it's one of the hardest.

What makes it even harder is that you won.
I'm fucking competitive, that much I will admit.
I hate to lose.
So to know that you won, that you escaped less hurt than I was, that you stole my heart but never really gave me yours, that you found a new girl way before I could even look at another guy, all this meant to me was that YOU WON, AND I LOST. It was a contest, to see who could care less, and you won.
I hated having the carpet pulled out from under me.
I knew all along that we weren't gonna be anything, because long distance things just don't work. but I hated that you cared little enough to not even entertain the thought of being in one with me. It showed how little you cared for me.


Anyway, yeah. To sum it all up, I hated you, so I loved you.
Then I had that talk with sarah. I had an epiphany: I had to stop hating you.
I was telling sarah to do so many things, to ditch the douche, to just forget him, etc etc,
But if I couldn't even do those things, how the hell can I expect Sarah to take my advice seriously?

Sarah's always been my little sister, and my heart aches whenever I see her going through a bad time. I try to help, to advise, but I can't do that if I'm a mess as well.
I had to practise what I preached.

(THIS NEXT BIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT)

I can't hate you, because you did nothing wrong.
We're two people who fell in love in the blink of an eye,
It's just that you fell out of it first.
We're two people who usually have commitment issues,
But we're not soulless: we're willing to truly love another and commit if we find the right one.

It's just that at that time, I was convinced you were the one I'd try to change for.
You didn't feel the same about me.

We're two people who will find our soulmates,
Just that I thought you were mine,
Whereas you knew I was never gonna be yours.

I hated, so I loved. You made me cry, so I couldn't forget.
But now I don't blame you anymore, nor do I hate you, because you've moved on and found someone else, hopefully this time someone you'll see things through with. I wish you all the best, and hope I find someone too, but that someone won't be you, and I'm finally fine with that, no secret glimmer of hope whatsoever anymore. It was never your fault, nor was it mine. We just didn't fit.

So I guess you can tell where this is going: I don't hate anymore.
So I don't love anymore. I will always have a soft spot for you, I will always fear seeing you because seeing you even for a minute may undo all this progress, but you'll be happy with someone someday, and you've made it clear that that someone isn't me. I'm just co-operating, so I won't put you in any difficult situations when we meet. I can't say we'll be good friends and get along well when I go back in July, but at least now, you can stop being so fucking awkward and uncomfortable with/around me and so mean to me, because I'm making it clear that I'm okay.

I know you won't read this, but I wish you would, because you need to know there's no need for awkwardness and caution when dealing with me anymore, if not you're gonna forever be an awkward meanie panda who doesn't know how to act around me.

Now, I just hope you won't like me anymore in this lifetime, because I don't know if I'll be able to say "no", and I sure as hell won't be this mature the 2nd time around.

me singing at a school thing

this was from super long long ago, like a year back. i've gotten better since though (:
anyway, yeah it's a cover of if i ain't got you by alicia keys, with my friend Bryan playing the piano (:
LOL i spazz at the end, i usually shake and wiggle my body before/after a performance cause i'm always a nervous wreck hahaha.

hello!

so, like, hi. i haven't blogged in quite long and i'm sorry. i just don't really like blogging cause it brings out my introspective/pensive/emo side, which kinda sucks because i've been in an okay mood recently, i don't want to ruin it.

but right now i'm blogging because, as usual, i'm trying to avoid doing work.

this may or may not be a short blog post, i don't really plan them out, so i'll keep typing and see where it leads me. also, my computer is threatening me every 2 minutes with the "low battery power" dialogue box, so I may not be able to get much stuff on here, cause I like to live dangerously, i.e. challenge my computer to a race to the finish line. on a daily basis. ever seen the quote, "colour my life with the chaos of trouble"? yeap that's me. forever living like a badass mofo gangsta queen *sarcasm*.

so recently i've been bemoaning my "forever alone" status. one of my best friends just got her first love (AWW) and first bouquet of flowers. i'm happy for her and all, but i think going overseas for uni makes things so much harder cause aussies can't date you (you spend half your time in singapore), and people from singapore can't date you, cause you spend half your time in australia. so i guess it's very hard. the same goes for friendships. people i spend every day with here in melbourne, i hardly talk to when i get back home. we just go back to our "Real" friends when we're in singapore. we only maintain contact with each other here in melbourne due to circumstance. so really, studying overseas is kind of weird. of course, i'm very grateful for this opportunity. i'm just saying!

i'm one of those hypocritical people. i'm one of the most easily influenced people you will ever meet, and i'm the epitome of "always blaming others, never herself". but i really hate people like me. people like me get on my nerves. I've grown up this past year. My friends know me as understanding and very sympathetic, the person most able to look at things from another's point of view. If I don't, it's usually cause I won't, not because I can't. It's easier to blame others when you can feign ignorance of their predicament and indulge in the misery of your own situation.

Anyway, yeah. This time 2 years back, or even last year, I was the undisputed queen of insensitivity. i NEVER ever spared any consideration for others' feelings, and persistently believed I was right, til the very end. Now, I still fall into that nasty habit of self-righteousness, but at least i have the decency to squeak out a barely-audible apology hours/days later. It's a survival skill. In my family, I'm the only one who says sorry. If i don't say it, no one else will. then the whole family unit turns into shit. I've become so good at apologising and understanding, because i HAVE TO BE.

so now, i've changed. and I'm listening to people who complain about their lives but cause their own destruction. they're so aware of their self-destructive ways but continue because it's fun, and deep down, who doesn't love a bit of drama? they love being treated like crap. they love the romance of a tormented life. they blame others for influencing them. they blame boys for treating them badly. they blame friends for treating them badly. they blame the whole world. they refuse to just suck it up and move on, because god forbid, that would take away the drama and romance from their lives. since you're so aware of your shortcomings, why not try to change? why constantly SAY that you try to change but never do? I drop so many hints it's ridiculous, but these friends like to trap themselves in a cycle of self-pity. no amount of advice goes into their smoke-clogged brains.

i used to think a boyfriend would make things better, provide me with the affection and kindness i wanted so badly. i thought having a boyfriend validated my personality and likeability. i was wrong. it's true, what they say: if you don't respect yourself, boys aren't gonna respect you. they're gonna walk all over you.

i don't think sleeping with many guys makes a girl a slut at all.

i think, when a girl depends on a boy to tell her she's good enough, when she needs a boy to fill her days, when she actually secretly enjoys being a bad girl cause that's how she gets attention, that's when she has become a slut.

i won't deny it. i was a slut once. i haven't dated many guys, but I went into my first relationship at seventeen, 2 years ago, for the sake of having a boyfriend. it wasn't nice, because that's a horrible thing to do. the boy sincerely liked me, but i just used his admiration to feed my insufficient self-esteem, over the moon at the THOUGHT that a boy actually liked me for who I was. of course, a few weeks into it, he confessed that he dumped his ex after she got fat, so i ended it right there. after that, i avoided any and all relationships for more than a year. after that, i started waiting for a boy to come, a boy who would tell me he liked my kindness, my caring nature, my understanding ways, etc. that boy never came.

why? because i realised, i didn't like myself. i gave off the vibe that i was eager for reassurance, so obviously, boys being as keen as they are in this department, sensed my slutty desperation. i mean slutty in the "desperate" sense of course, not "omg i will sleep with any guy" kind of slutty. refer above for MY definition of slutty. anyway, yeah, so the guys could sense my vibe, so they took the opportunity. so I was lamenting and whining to myself cause the ONLY guy my friend has dated, treats her so much better than my 2-3 (one of them didn't have a label so i'm a bit confused) exes ever did. then it hit me, they never treated me with respect because i never demanded it. to them, i was easy to please. they just had to SAY the right things to feed my self-esteem, and i'd be off thinking about how well they understood me.

i honestly don't even remember like where i digressed from anymore lol. i wanted to go back to my main point but i've kinda lost track so i don't know where to go back to haha. oh yeah yeah! i've avoided dating since i came to this realisation. because i don't want to date until i love myself. why should i constantly seek out a boy who will love my personality? why must i need a boy who will TELL me he loves my personality? WHY CAN'T I BE ENOUGH FOR ME?

no matter how many boys you date, my friend, they're all gonna be jerks if you don't love yourself. because these boys KNOW you NEED the assurance. they happily provide it and in exchange, you give them everything. you give everything, and all you get is assurance, which of course also disappears when they leave you after they realise you're not worth the trouble.

you COULD be worth all the trouble in the world, if you truly believed it. but you don't. you grasp at straws trying to find someone who will embrace your personality, because you won't embrace it yourself. sure, you're AWARE of your personality, and you know you can be charming, but you hate yourself. you hate yourself, but changing is hard. finding a boy who will temporarily remove the need to change is the easier way out. so you go find boys. how do i know this? i've been there.

it pains me and annoys me, seeing my friends go through things i've been through myself. granted, no one experience is exactly the same, but they're all pretty similar. take from this what you will, but I do wish you wouldn't treat yourself so badly. you simultaneously blame yourself, and blame those around you, for who you've become.  i don't care if you drink hard and smoke hard, but i do care that you go back to your old habits because it's the EASIER thing to do.

it's easier to fuck up and mess around and blame people and blame yourself and wallow and have a relapse and break things and punch walls,

than it is to get up and DEAL with the mess you've made, isn't it?

i think, even though there's no use crying over spilt milk, it sure as hell is worth DEALING WITH and CLEANING UP, because if you just "move on" and "change" but leave the milk there, it's gonna turn sour and well, you know how the smell of sour milk can spread for miles, right?

amazing

Young Blood

wild

So far, life has been good.

I want and need a lot of things I never thought I would. I’ve been staying at home every weekday, which is cool because I guess I’m doing something with my life instead of just gallivanting around town and spending money unnecessarily.

It’s now the dead of night and I have to wake up early tomorrow. 

I don't know. Sometimes life can be quite confusing. I don't think I’m as confused as I am scared. it seems like an impossible task. My friends don't even recognize me anymore. I’m wrought with panic and anxiety. I used to be so notoriously diffident; so unaffected; so willing to leave things in God's hands. I left every decision to "fate", regardless of its importance. If I wanted to buy a blouse and couldn't decide which color to get, I’d just ask the salesgirl, "do you have these in (my size)?" usually, things would turn out alright. The salesgirl would come back from the stockroom in the back of the store and say to me, "I’m sorry, we only have it in black. The blue's all sold out." and voila, I’d get the black. Fate was cool that way. Sometimes of course, I’d leave the big decisions to fate too. They were mostly academic decisions like: "law VS psychology VS classics" or "Melbourne VS NYU" (obviously i chose Melbourne, but I'm already regretting it) or even (when I was much younger) "dad VS dream". Everything became so much easier when left to fate. Responsibility was lifted off my shoulders and shifted onto the broad back of fate. I wasn't required to make decisions anymore. I wasn't required to work hard to do my research to help me make those decisions anymore. Everything became so simple. Fate was my excuse for everything. I shoved everything to the cosmos, to the heavens, to fate. It was my favorite thing to do. I think I mastered the art of laziness.

I’m so longwinded. Ugh. Anyway, now it seems like Fate is taking revenge on me, for piling so much shit on its back. It’s telling me to make my own decisions for once. It’s not working very well because pessimism and cynicism takes up a good 70% of my outlook on life, so my decisions are a little....disadvantageous. I’ll probably end up screwing myself over. 

So now I’m scared. I’m so scared I can't even bring myself to imagine trying. Why bother, when it'll only lead to heartbreak? I don't like the guilt of hurting someone, but I’d take that over the hurt any day. I'm incapable of not fucking up. I don't trust myself. I don't want to lose this happiness I have right now. It's a bubble that I fear is going to burst at any given moment. And I'm pretty sure it's not a bubble filled with glitter, so after it bursts, I’ll be left with the feeling that something's gone. There’ll be nothing left other than vague but heart-wrenching memories. It's always better never to have blown that bubble in the first place. Now, if only my heart would listen.

i wish i hadn't known how much i mean to you.

we're better when we're not together.