growing up sucks ):

me: daddy, what if one day i left school to be a singer? would you kill me?
dad: *threatening fierce tone* i would be very very very disappointed, after spending so much money on your education.
me: i know, random question, that's all. i just feel quite sad, cause like turning 18 suddenly feels like i've lost my license to dream. i have to like, be serious and mature. remember those days when i used to say i wanna be a rock star? sighhhh.
dad: well that's what growing up is all about, we're not supposed to be happy all the time. besides, you think you'll be happy? being a performer is probably more stressful than being an office worker.
me: yeah. i know. their lives suck worse than ours. they have to diet and all that.

yet, i find myself wanting it so much more than i've ever wanted anything else D:

i'm in this state of panic now because i'm turning 18 soon and i'm going to college and all that, if i wanna do it, i better do it now before my dad throws away his twenty thousand dollars on my foundation year studies - only to see me leave school a few months from now. but like. if i did do it. i'd probably get disowned. not only that, if i don't succeed, i reallyyyyy am fucked for life, cause i'll have to find a real job with only an O level cert. you'll prolly see me working at 7-11.

i can't wait anymore, because the older you get, the harder it gets. and i don't even know where to start. i wish i could just be HAPPY being a professor (i keep telling people that's my ambition). but like, i know if i don't try, the what if will haunt me forever.

tiffany (SNSD) up and left her everything (including a very disapproving father) in 3 weeks to chase her dreams. her father still isn't with her, physically or emotionally. but if she can deal with it, i don't see why i can't. my former schoolmate went to taiwan after her O levels to try too, but her parents were supportive. i'm not brave enough i guess D:

i'm so scared to even try. if i try and like i fail, it's cool, at least i tried (even if the price is that my dad's "i told you so" will follow me everywhere).

but if i try and like have a genuine shot at something, then have to walk away cause of school, i think i'll freaking wilt.


yes, this blog has become an amalgamation of all my thoughts/emotions/feelings/misadventures. i'm tired of having to categorise my life.