so this post is gonna be fairly short and, well, less try-to-be-poetic than the previous post.

i just needed to get some stuff out. also, chrissypoo requested more frequent updates, so here's to you, you awesome non-kid! (:

so. here goes.

i'm self-centred, i'm vain, i think too highly of myself, i'm mean, i think horrible mean thoughts, i grab on way too fast, i let go way too soon, i talk way too much, i listen way too little, i pretend to care way too much, i actually care way too little, i'm selfish, i'm negative, i put on the act of being realistic, i'm hopelessly optimistic, to the point of being delusional, i'm guarded, but i don't seem it, i say "i" way too much, i'm a hopeless romantic with a fear of falling in love, but i love way too easily, i'm indecisive, i contradict myself, i confuse myself. why anyone likes me or enjoys my company, is a puzzle to me.

but i do love, with all my heart, all of you. i've never been in love, but i love you all. if that makes any sense. i thank all of you so much for showing all this concern for me through my current bout of self-indulgent self-pity.

i hope i have the strength to make good. to do good. to be good.


BIG KISS xxxxxxxxxxxx

it's really funny. i was reading a blog post from back in january, about how this blog is an amalgamation of all my thoughts/feelings/misadventures. 

if that is true, boy have i changed. those of you who follow me on twitter are probably aware of my recent existential dilemma (although that is a rather grand term). well. it's more like a quarter-life crisis that has arrived prematurely. unless i HAVE indeed reached the quarter mark, in which case maybe god's trying to tell me i'll die at 72 (touch wood). 

i've been spiralling out of control, abandoning my studies, and throwing caution to the wind.

i used to remember whining about my mind-numbingly boring life. i always loved the now-famous quote, "colour my life with the chaos of trouble". I always thought that if i ever had to tell my children the story of my youth, my straitlaced days would perhaps make for the most boring recount of the most boring teenage life ever.

so i took on the task of revving up the "chaos" and "trouble" in my life. it was especially easy achieving that since i'm not under any parental supervision here in melbourne.

(NOTE: i am not referring to drugs or smoking. i never have and never will start smoking or doing drugs. i do drink though.)

so anyway, i got to melbourne, and started, shall we say, living life in the fast lane?

i jumped at every and any opportunity to find true love, hoping i'd have some 'Great Gatsby -esque' sweeping love affair to mark my days with. i filled my weekends with activities that would scream "trouble", such as clubbing and drug-tainted house parties (where SOME of the people did drugs, NOT ALL). i made and lost many fast friends. i caused trouble between acquaintances. i did things i'm not proud of. i opened my heart to anyone who seemed decent, in an effort to maybe find my Heathcliff [please go read wuthering heights if you haven't].


it is important to note that i never did any of the above INTENTIONALLY. shit just happens.

and guess what? (yes, i have noticed my penchant for brackets and rhetorical questions)

my life is still a blur. except it's much worse. before, it was an innocent pastel portrait, wholesome and safe. 

it was boring but there were the occasional special memories, one of which was the MCP steamboat, another the days of studying at BPP's MacD's and taking bus 171 home, using the half-hour journey to reflect on how boring my life was. these memories were special. they were sparklers, flames of friendship streaking my world with that familiar yellow of warmth.

now, all i recall of my life here are lights. bright, glittering, shimmering, iridescent, flashing lights. Lights of all shapes and colours, running ribbons across my eyes, making a mad dash for nowhere, tearing through the black. they swirl and preen and are drunk with no purpose. my eyes burn, my head hammers, and my stomach churns.

it's been a revolving door of velvet ropes, friends, enemies, scenes, parties, enemy lines shifting, more friends, not-quite-there Jay Gatsbys and heartbreakingly real mirages of Heathcliff.

where my life before was a pastel painting, here it's a violent clashing of rainbow colours across a smoke-laced nightscape. things haven't changed. everything is still a blur. except here, in melbourne, special memories fade. they're replaced with new names and faces at an alarming rate, names and faces that i continually pray to be special despite my knowledge that they won't ever be. my mind and heart is inundated with so much more than i can handle, on a weekly basis. my reputation has taking a beating so severe i doubt its ability to ever stand again. 

before, the yellow sparks were remembered. they were streaks of special in my life. now i can't really see them anymore. they're lost in this kaleidoscopic riot of colours. 

nothing's changed, other than the sad fact that now, instead of telling my children my life was a blur of boring made fun by MCP and some other folks, 

i'll have to tell them my life was a blur of deep and meaningless.

so i haven't been blogging for way too long.

today, during HOI, we were discussing the topic of beauty.

we are never young/thin/beautiful enough.

and ive been surfing tumblr. all i've been seeing are pictures of painfully skinny girls with painfully chiseled cheekbones and painfully piercing eyes. there was even a tumblr that went something like "sheseverythingimnot.tumblr". seriously?

why the self-hate?

stella, ele and i spent an hour today looking at the facebook profiles of achingly gorgeous girls. with every picture, our self-contempt only increased. it's not fun, nor is it funny, but most girls indulge in this activity.

why the self-hate?

so my thoughts have been riding around on a fancy carousel in my mind, trying to find an answer. i know very well the process, best summed up in that mean girls scene. girls self-hate to come across as more modest. but somewhere along the way, we genuinely start feeling disdain for the way we look, act, speak, think, or even feel. and so my thoughts have been encircling this burgeoning question like vultures, except this time, the target is far from dying. we'll probably never know:

why the self-hate?

me spazzing over t-ara "breaking heart" album photos! (+cyworld pics)

HYOMIN

JIYEON

soyeon

i think my bias towards eunjung has been considerably shaken by the sexy that is soyeon.

i still love eunjung, just that none of the breaking heart pics seem to do her justice, i think their stylist hates her.  the photos just don't show much of her face ): and they crapped all over her (formerly) beautiful hair. that's why i didn't include any of her.
she still has nice hair, but the way they styled it for this shoot is *baulk* her clothes are also HORRIBLE compared to the other members'. she actually looks better in self-taken shots than in her "official photoshoot" pictures.


all 6 of them:

Left to right: EUNJUNG, Qri, Hyomin, Jiyeon, Boram, Soyeon.

i shall now go on a pic spamming spree.

HYOMIN:

JIYEON:

EUNJUNG:

t-ara is gonna go straight to number one WHOOOOOOOOOOOO

eunjung <3

the song is frkinnnnnnnn HOT.


so different from anything else in kpop right now, although it's still kpop.

different, but still radio-friendly. LOVE ITTTTTTT.

so i'm up and i started twittering. OMG. the worst part is, i think it's fun. i don't understand WHY, but i seem to enjoy talking to myself and 3 others. yep, grand total of 3 followers. i really don't mind though, i want my twitter to stay private ((:

my weight is still the same, but i just KNOW i'm getting baddddddd. like. i'm so not what i used to be. i used to be like, solid, now i'm like, a pile of MUSH.

oh well, it's better this way, then i will be more self-conscious, soooo, i wont be getting nekkid in front of a guy anytime soon! it's actually a good way to prevent premarital sex, by being INSECURE! hahaha.
i'm not even joking; i really think this is a feasible solution to all girls facing the problem of not being able to properly rein in their raging hormones.

i can't believe i just said thaton a public blog, but wth la it's not like anyone reads this anyway hahaha.

no new pics, cos all my camwhore pics got deleted when i reformatted my laptop (damn HP) sooo, i don't have anymore selcas ))))): and i'm feeling ugly and lazy nowadays, so i'm in no mood/condition to take new ones. hence my lack of a new fb profile pic for the past 3 months.

sigh*~~~~~


goodnight! xx/

shinee fansign was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life. watching the new season of skins. i still think kaya scodelario is super pretty. she has a dollface. love effy's fashion and makeup and overall look on skins. even her name is so cute.

i still remember this scene from the 3rd Series/Season:

Freddie: I’m Freddie, and I met a girl I like today. She’s like, beautiful. That’s it.

i love her dress, so cute. she was hands-down the best-dressed star that night. kaya is sooo pretty! (: