orange

i think i'm just going to type random shit because i can't sleep lol i'm a night owl.
hopefully i get some material to turn into a nice piece of SOMETHING.
hahahaha. sian.
anyway! random shit.

why won't you answer my calls, i can handle rejection or at least i thought. it's scary how i don't know myself at all. you know you got it going on, heard it on the radio, club-banger march egging me on. make me feel so "nothing's impossible", too bad jeopardy's something i can't remember. anthems of a little girl with no heart, she's convinced it's cause you stole it, now it strikes me she left it under the orange tree, the moment she decided to step onto the sun. it's funny how she had none to begin with, but dreamed up so much to give, a little piece with everyone on earth, a little bit to tide. tide the time, til they realise, it was all but real. air is magic air is fine, but air is all i know that's mine. the tree grew heavy, oranges ripe, little girl skipped back and forth, stole them, but there her heart she left still. leaves fell and bark peeled, little girl refused to return. without oranges, there was no reason to journey, her heart grew weary and rotted with time. little girl's face changed, much like dorian grey, oranges she thought she'd need, to make her sweet again. life got in the way, orange tree was forgotten, he got tired of keeping her dying heart. mother soil ate it up, with all the leaves that burned. little woman forgot where she'd left her heart, she looked for it in every friend she could find. she gave air, hoping to find her heart. more air she gave, and yet more still. she gave air, after a while convinced it was her heart in disguise. she wondered why it was such a mockery, why her heart wouldn't stay in whom it was given to. little woman couldn't remember what anything really was anymore. the orange tree sighed with misery, wanting to reach but he couldn't reach that far. orange tree waited in vain. one day, little woman woke up and found herself thirsting for some shade. she'd all but forgotten her friend. she ran to orange tree to reclaim her heart. she saw the empty space, mother soil made no apologies. this writer would like to say orange tree welcomed her with open arms and offered to make her a new one, but orange tree was giddy with hurt, and wept.
horses galloped from the burgeoning roots.

hello, is it me you're looking for?

it's alright to say you want it
get inside my dirty mind
burns like ice
the way i bring it again

the beat just dropped and the room got sexy.
i know you want me like kids want candy.



oh how wonderful it'd be to have such confidence like my favourite, britney spears.


soooo, i haven't blogged or done a song in forever, i don't really have anything new to report. but then again, don't i say that at the start of all my long-ass posts?

no one really reads my blog anyway lol.



okay so i spent the last four days in bangkok. i ate tons and shopped tons. because thats the kind of shallow person i am lol. i really don't want to see mountains. i mean i love the view of course, and all that, but really it speaks volumes about my character that i refuse to endure the climb to get to the top lol. explains why i'm never at the top.

this has always been and always will be one of my complexes. i'm painfully slightly above average.

i'm KINDA smart.
i'm doing KINDA okay/well-ish in most of my subjects in school.
i'm KINDA cute (not my words, people say i'm cute).
i'm KINDA pretty (again, it's what people tell me)
i'm KINDA well-off, financially i mean. (well, my dad is.)
i sing KINDA well (i know i have a pleasant voice. but i'm no charice)
i can KINDA write songs (but again, i'm no maven or creative genius)
i'm KINDA not fat (but i'm not skinny).


i mean, of course i'm lucky and blessed and all that shit, i know that. but such is human nature.
we are convinced our problems are SO BAD. we care about ourselves. we compare ourselves to others.

i mean, my best friend is going to oxford, and i have SO MANY other friends going to stanford, cambridge, the UCs, whatever, i don't actually give a shit about that. i mean, i do feel envy, but it's rare and it's slight. i'm mostly definitely happy for them. i love that my friends all have things they're gonna do. this is not what bothers me.

what bothers me is that what people say about all-roundedness? IT'S ALL LIES.

i'm envious only cause my friends have all found their niches (i don't know if niche can be used as a plural noun but whatever i'm lazy to google lol), whereas i'm stuck here in kinda-land. my friends have stated envy too because i can sing well compared to them (they say one, not me!), but i mean what's the point if it's not getting me somewhere? the whole point of having an attribute is so that your future success can be ATTRIBUTED to it right! like wealth from wiles, success from smarts and determination, happiness from hard work, etc. but i mean, my ability to sing isn't helping me, so....it's kinda wasted?

i walk into auditions, and i hear girls who are practically tone deaf, get in, while i'm ALWAYS out. because i'm not pretty enough. or skinny enough. yeah, i've been losing weight, but i mean, yeah main point is i'm not pretty enough.
i'm cute enough for people to call me cute. i'm small enough for people to call me slim. but it's not enough.
no one at labels cares if i can sing. i can't sing well enough to compensate for my lacking appearance.
lopsidedness wins. i'm not saying pretty girls get everything. why am i so passionate about music? i wish i was passionate about something else, like science. at least with science, hard work gets you places, nobel prizes and whatnot. with entertainment, you could be the most hardworking person on earth, but you're nothing if you're not utterly beautiful. and sadly, appearance is something beyond our control. maybe that's why i constantly feel a lack of control over my life. yeah, so many nowadays go for plastic surgery, but if you're not born pretty, no amount of surgery is gna make you gorgeous. but yeah, my point is, appearances aren't that important. unless you want to be a singer/actress/model. it sucks that i was born wanting to be one of those. i really don't give a rat's ass about acting or modelling though, i mean i'm not pretty enough, and like, i don't want to be a fucking celebrity. i just want to be a singer. i would be content singing at pubs and stuff, except i want to earn enough money from singing to pay for my children's education. i know i've said this before so many times, but yeah, i don't want to be the parent that cannot give her child opportunities. so what choice do i have other than to pursue a professional career in like, the entertainment industry and whatnot? how else am i going to earn good money from singing?

it doesn't escape me that i'm harbouring too much resentment and hoping for too much, and i should look forward and be happy and all that to attain inner peace. but i'm human. i'm usually cheery and easygoing, i swear, ask Keejia if you want. read her blog, she's like me, emo as hell, but idk. she writes pretty well. hehe. anyway! yeah i mean i'm not always harbouring this resentment and discontent. i'm only like this when i blog. and it sucks to be you if you only read my blog and you don't hang out w me in real life, then you'll only ever see this side of me, and reading my emo entries may make you emo too, so like, uh, sorry? lol. but i highly doubt it la, only my friends knw my blog url (:

 i guess it's what i deserve. cruel irony strikes me now, because i'm receiving SO MANY opportunities, but i'm never in one place long enough to get anything done. i love my dad, i love that he brings me travelling, i love that he's provided me with the chance to study abroad, i'm sure when i'm looking for a job in 5 years i'll be grateful. but every time i even mention staying in ONE PLACE just so i can actually FINISH something in terms of singing, he freaks out. it's just hard having to turn down so many chances to finish school.

my dad brings me to bars, he tells me to get a good look at the singers there, earning barely enough to get by. they're stellar. way better than i could ever hope to be. some of them are gorgeous to boot. his point? "why would you want this life?". i don't know, but i DO. i don't give a shit about being famous. i just want to have a job where i can do what i love, isn't that what everyone wants?

maybe it's laziness. i enjoy singing, so i would love a job where i won't have to do anything other than sing. it's an easy way out, an easy life. because singing is EASY to me. but honestly? i know this also speaks volumes about my character or lack thereof, but why the fuck is laziness such a bad thing?

if i can take the easy way out, why the hell not?
if i'm happy at the middle of the mountain, who the fuck has the right to tell me i SHOULD be aiming for the top?
why is climbing to the top so important?
i get that the view from the top is magical and all that, but honestly, if i don't care enough about the view to want to climb, then why SHOULDN'T i be allowed to remain at the middle?
or if i really like the soil at the bottom, i prefer being in a valley, where falling is impossible, why CAN'T i stay in the valley?
everyone thinks the top is the best.
too few people stop to think if it's the best for them.