cloth

it's hard when you look back at life and realise that so many things that went so incredibly wrong, were all your fault. you single-handedly manipulated each scenario to have the worst possible consequences.

happiness does not evade you. you evade happiness.

you lie under your 600-thread-count sheets every night, tormented by the blinking numbers on your clock, wondering what the hell happened to you. you've become used to this bitterness bubbling up at the back of your throat, keeping you on the edge of hysteria, licking at your need for control. it's your nightly companion. you can't live without this mockery of weakness. you dive in, ready to cry, but stop yourself just in time to feel satisfied at your perceived control. you smile, a smile so caustic and biting that one can't help but wonder who made you this way. you're aware of what everyone thinks of you, but you'd rather they think those horrible things, because then at least you have an identity. you're so lost, your lips mock others, finding faults in them that echo sentiments about yourself.

people have facades, but your facade becomes you. you'd rather have a constant. you're always changing, ticking every single box for insanity. you wonder which you you'll be today. you snap at people even when it's not that time of the month. you're so angry all the time, but your laughs are never fake. in those moments, you're truly happy. you feel yourself being a chirpy warm angel. but you also feel yourself being a defensive psycho. you're not "faking". you need to get a grip, you struggle to breathe when you feel too much, when things won't stop spiralling.

you hide in the nearest bathroom and clutch your chest, willing yourself to calm the fuck down. these incidents are becoming more and more frequent. you wonder why you're even panicking. and there it comes again. it whispers that you're crazy. it dares you to break down. it tempts you to be a damsel and seek solace in the arms of a sweet, willing boy, then throw him away right after. it runs through your veins. you close your eyes.

you're suddenly teetering, rejuvenated by the rage you feel at everything and nothing. you're volatile, you smirk at the hunger you've become so accustomed to. you wail. your screeches alternate with your nervous picking at your scabs, although you don't know what you're so scared of. you scream so loud, then you whimper in fear, thinking someone has heard your screams, although that's all you've ever wanted. you hit the prison bars, so frustrated at being so frustrated, although Sister Frustration has stuck with you the longest. your knees buckle and you need a cry. you're exhausted.

you open your eyes, and there you are, in your bathroom stall. you unlock the cubicle door, walk to the mirror, and, proudly as ever, make sure your makeup is still perfect. you take a deep breath and look at the other women around you. you're convinced you seem you have it all under control. you toss your lip gloss into your Chanel purse, look that selfish, shallow bitch in the mirror in the eye, and smirk.

no one needs to know there's anything else.

happy.

so...i've come to terms with the whole not singing thing recently.
i've been pouring everything i have into http://pxd.nu. please do click it it's amazing i promise (:

it's consuming all my energy but i love it, and i love watching more and more people like it on facebook every day. hehe.

i haven't done a singing video in forever but thats fine. if it was meant to be, it would have been by now. of course i do feel a tinge of regret but it's not the debilitating resentment toward everything and everyone that i used to feel.

i am so truly happy right now, and at peace with myself. ever since i cut my hair short, i've become much more confident and daring. it's just something about short hair that makes me feel good! haha.

and well. i'm just happy. i'm single, but i'm happy. when it's time, it will happen. if it doesn't, whatever (:

i really cannot explain my newfound peace and happiness but i GUESS it's cause i've been so absorbed w LIVING life and not moping around that i've discovered so many wonderful things and people (:

and also well when you have a new friend, you tend to be happy cause you just made a new friend (:

i'm quite sad that we aren't friends anymore.

i love you though. if ever you need someone, i'll be here.
i'm just sorry that i wouldn't give any more than i did, which i know was startlingly little.
you're so great and not a day goes by where i don't think about you and how i screwed things up so bad.
i wish we could have stayed that way forever, but i was unable to meet you halfway.
i know i threw us away, in retrospect i can see what a bitch i was.
but then again, i've always known i'm a bitch when it comes to these boy-girl things.
you were my best guy friend and i'm stupid for thinking we could stay as that without repercussions.
i want to bbm you, every single day, but i'm scared and don't know what to say.
don't be a stranger, and i hope one day you'll talk to me again (:

orange

i think i'm just going to type random shit because i can't sleep lol i'm a night owl.
hopefully i get some material to turn into a nice piece of SOMETHING.
hahahaha. sian.
anyway! random shit.

why won't you answer my calls, i can handle rejection or at least i thought. it's scary how i don't know myself at all. you know you got it going on, heard it on the radio, club-banger march egging me on. make me feel so "nothing's impossible", too bad jeopardy's something i can't remember. anthems of a little girl with no heart, she's convinced it's cause you stole it, now it strikes me she left it under the orange tree, the moment she decided to step onto the sun. it's funny how she had none to begin with, but dreamed up so much to give, a little piece with everyone on earth, a little bit to tide. tide the time, til they realise, it was all but real. air is magic air is fine, but air is all i know that's mine. the tree grew heavy, oranges ripe, little girl skipped back and forth, stole them, but there her heart she left still. leaves fell and bark peeled, little girl refused to return. without oranges, there was no reason to journey, her heart grew weary and rotted with time. little girl's face changed, much like dorian grey, oranges she thought she'd need, to make her sweet again. life got in the way, orange tree was forgotten, he got tired of keeping her dying heart. mother soil ate it up, with all the leaves that burned. little woman forgot where she'd left her heart, she looked for it in every friend she could find. she gave air, hoping to find her heart. more air she gave, and yet more still. she gave air, after a while convinced it was her heart in disguise. she wondered why it was such a mockery, why her heart wouldn't stay in whom it was given to. little woman couldn't remember what anything really was anymore. the orange tree sighed with misery, wanting to reach but he couldn't reach that far. orange tree waited in vain. one day, little woman woke up and found herself thirsting for some shade. she'd all but forgotten her friend. she ran to orange tree to reclaim her heart. she saw the empty space, mother soil made no apologies. this writer would like to say orange tree welcomed her with open arms and offered to make her a new one, but orange tree was giddy with hurt, and wept.
horses galloped from the burgeoning roots.

hello, is it me you're looking for?

it's alright to say you want it
get inside my dirty mind
burns like ice
the way i bring it again

the beat just dropped and the room got sexy.
i know you want me like kids want candy.



oh how wonderful it'd be to have such confidence like my favourite, britney spears.


soooo, i haven't blogged or done a song in forever, i don't really have anything new to report. but then again, don't i say that at the start of all my long-ass posts?

no one really reads my blog anyway lol.



okay so i spent the last four days in bangkok. i ate tons and shopped tons. because thats the kind of shallow person i am lol. i really don't want to see mountains. i mean i love the view of course, and all that, but really it speaks volumes about my character that i refuse to endure the climb to get to the top lol. explains why i'm never at the top.

this has always been and always will be one of my complexes. i'm painfully slightly above average.

i'm KINDA smart.
i'm doing KINDA okay/well-ish in most of my subjects in school.
i'm KINDA cute (not my words, people say i'm cute).
i'm KINDA pretty (again, it's what people tell me)
i'm KINDA well-off, financially i mean. (well, my dad is.)
i sing KINDA well (i know i have a pleasant voice. but i'm no charice)
i can KINDA write songs (but again, i'm no maven or creative genius)
i'm KINDA not fat (but i'm not skinny).


i mean, of course i'm lucky and blessed and all that shit, i know that. but such is human nature.
we are convinced our problems are SO BAD. we care about ourselves. we compare ourselves to others.

i mean, my best friend is going to oxford, and i have SO MANY other friends going to stanford, cambridge, the UCs, whatever, i don't actually give a shit about that. i mean, i do feel envy, but it's rare and it's slight. i'm mostly definitely happy for them. i love that my friends all have things they're gonna do. this is not what bothers me.

what bothers me is that what people say about all-roundedness? IT'S ALL LIES.

i'm envious only cause my friends have all found their niches (i don't know if niche can be used as a plural noun but whatever i'm lazy to google lol), whereas i'm stuck here in kinda-land. my friends have stated envy too because i can sing well compared to them (they say one, not me!), but i mean what's the point if it's not getting me somewhere? the whole point of having an attribute is so that your future success can be ATTRIBUTED to it right! like wealth from wiles, success from smarts and determination, happiness from hard work, etc. but i mean, my ability to sing isn't helping me, so....it's kinda wasted?

i walk into auditions, and i hear girls who are practically tone deaf, get in, while i'm ALWAYS out. because i'm not pretty enough. or skinny enough. yeah, i've been losing weight, but i mean, yeah main point is i'm not pretty enough.
i'm cute enough for people to call me cute. i'm small enough for people to call me slim. but it's not enough.
no one at labels cares if i can sing. i can't sing well enough to compensate for my lacking appearance.
lopsidedness wins. i'm not saying pretty girls get everything. why am i so passionate about music? i wish i was passionate about something else, like science. at least with science, hard work gets you places, nobel prizes and whatnot. with entertainment, you could be the most hardworking person on earth, but you're nothing if you're not utterly beautiful. and sadly, appearance is something beyond our control. maybe that's why i constantly feel a lack of control over my life. yeah, so many nowadays go for plastic surgery, but if you're not born pretty, no amount of surgery is gna make you gorgeous. but yeah, my point is, appearances aren't that important. unless you want to be a singer/actress/model. it sucks that i was born wanting to be one of those. i really don't give a rat's ass about acting or modelling though, i mean i'm not pretty enough, and like, i don't want to be a fucking celebrity. i just want to be a singer. i would be content singing at pubs and stuff, except i want to earn enough money from singing to pay for my children's education. i know i've said this before so many times, but yeah, i don't want to be the parent that cannot give her child opportunities. so what choice do i have other than to pursue a professional career in like, the entertainment industry and whatnot? how else am i going to earn good money from singing?

it doesn't escape me that i'm harbouring too much resentment and hoping for too much, and i should look forward and be happy and all that to attain inner peace. but i'm human. i'm usually cheery and easygoing, i swear, ask Keejia if you want. read her blog, she's like me, emo as hell, but idk. she writes pretty well. hehe. anyway! yeah i mean i'm not always harbouring this resentment and discontent. i'm only like this when i blog. and it sucks to be you if you only read my blog and you don't hang out w me in real life, then you'll only ever see this side of me, and reading my emo entries may make you emo too, so like, uh, sorry? lol. but i highly doubt it la, only my friends knw my blog url (:

 i guess it's what i deserve. cruel irony strikes me now, because i'm receiving SO MANY opportunities, but i'm never in one place long enough to get anything done. i love my dad, i love that he brings me travelling, i love that he's provided me with the chance to study abroad, i'm sure when i'm looking for a job in 5 years i'll be grateful. but every time i even mention staying in ONE PLACE just so i can actually FINISH something in terms of singing, he freaks out. it's just hard having to turn down so many chances to finish school.

my dad brings me to bars, he tells me to get a good look at the singers there, earning barely enough to get by. they're stellar. way better than i could ever hope to be. some of them are gorgeous to boot. his point? "why would you want this life?". i don't know, but i DO. i don't give a shit about being famous. i just want to have a job where i can do what i love, isn't that what everyone wants?

maybe it's laziness. i enjoy singing, so i would love a job where i won't have to do anything other than sing. it's an easy way out, an easy life. because singing is EASY to me. but honestly? i know this also speaks volumes about my character or lack thereof, but why the fuck is laziness such a bad thing?

if i can take the easy way out, why the hell not?
if i'm happy at the middle of the mountain, who the fuck has the right to tell me i SHOULD be aiming for the top?
why is climbing to the top so important?
i get that the view from the top is magical and all that, but honestly, if i don't care enough about the view to want to climb, then why SHOULDN'T i be allowed to remain at the middle?
or if i really like the soil at the bottom, i prefer being in a valley, where falling is impossible, why CAN'T i stay in the valley?
everyone thinks the top is the best.
too few people stop to think if it's the best for them.

fallen

Truth be told I've tried my best 
But somewhere along the way 
I got caught up in all there was to offer 
And the cost was so much more than I could bear 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent 
Love was raw and young 
We believed that we could change ourselves 
The past could be undone 
But we carry on our backs the burden 
Time always reveals 
The lonely light of morning 
The wound that would not heal 
It's the bitter taste of losing everything 
That I have held so dear. 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bent to take my hand 
Nowhere left to turn 
I'm lost to those I thought were friends 
To everyone I know 
Oh they turned their heads embarassed 
Pretend that they don't see 
But it's one missed step 
You'll slip before you know it 
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed 

Though I've tried, I've fallen 
I've sunk so low 
I've messed up 
Better I should know 
So don't come round here 
And tell me I told you so




















and.......BAM!

TEEHEE.

inane ramblings of a korean-drama fiend.

today I realized I don't feel that weird nauseating feeling anymore.
i think of you and want to vomit, but only because i FINALLY realised that you threw me away like garbage, so going back to you would be embarrassing, and desperate on my part.

i'm not angry, i'm just SO. SO. thankful my pride has come back. i was never angry, i just felt like a loser because I've never felt special. You made me feel special for a bit, then after that you took it all away and made me feel like just another number AGAIN.

i talk to all my friends who are so happily in love and i realise i need someone who won't be ashamed of me, or treat me like some sort of toy.

i always went for the boys who never treated me right. i left the ones who did.

but my friend said something very true,

"every event changes you a little".

i wanted to have my shot at a "wuthering heights" or "great gatsby" sort of thing (i can't help it, i'm a pisces, we're BORN masochistic). i told my friend, i'd rather get the romance out of my system now, so that I can marry someone who I will love.

i don't know if any of you know, but i think since i'm really open about my family, yeah. my parents are divorced (don't feel sympathy. i'm happy they are. they've been this way since almost as long as i remember. THIS IS MY NORMAL). i've been living with my dad since then. just me and my dad and my uncle. we don't even have a maid because my dad is a good dad who won't let his child (me la! i'm the only one he has) become a spoilt brat.

side note: i swear to god, if my dad still has his farm by the time i have kids, i'm gonna make every single one of them work there. they will cut up meal worms with their bare hands and a pair of rusty scissors just like i do, they will scoop fish shit out of the pond just like i do, and they will definitely not have a maid, just like how I don't. i refuse to bring up a brood of elitist snobby brats. you don't mean ANYTHING to me unless you're willing to get your hands dirty. well unless you're keejia cause yknow, she's a diva that way but i still love her hahaha just kidding. i'm sorry for this rant-within-an-epiphany, cause like, i've just been hanging around so many people of this type of character, and it saddens me how their parents just let them get away with whatever. nono, don't get me wrong, i like to dress up too, sometimes. if i have to leave the house/farm. i think a good education is important too. i think being wealthy is a wonderful blessing and of course if you've worked hard to earn money, you have the right to spend however much you want to. or if you've been brought up spending money and being shallow and materialistic, it's okay because well it isn't your fault you're like this lol. i'm soooooo shallow and mean and bitchy and i spend way too much. but i just don't want my kids to be like me. i'm a total fuck-up lol. it's strange that i care so much about my future kids. i don't even know if i'm fertile LOLOLOL. if one day i go to the doctor and the gyno's all like "dayummmm, your ovaries be spoilt gurl." idk what i'll do. i will adopt i guess! but yeah, no matter how mean and cutting my father's words to me are when he's angry, i stay with him and i NEVER talk back, because he will be an EXCELLENT grandfather (also because i love him too much and we only have each other la. and he's super scary if i talk back idk what will happen lol i don't dare try). not to mention, he has money to provide for my children's education, if they should be so smart as to be able to go MIT or something (anything less, don't waste time, just study in NUS pls). I'm not confident in my own abilities to provide for my family in future (because I'm useless at everything lol) but i'm confident in my dad's willingness to if i should be unable to. i really don't want to be the mum that has to tell her kid he/she can't go MIT cause his/her mum fucked up her life. i also don't want to study a music course, i chose psychology instead, much as i was LUSTING after a music degree, because again, i don't want to be the mother that cannot provide for her children. can someone please tell me why i'm so invested in my future children when i'm not even like CLOSE to that age?!?!?!?! THIS IS SO ALARMING. nonono, i'm not going to take the easy way out and marry a rich guy. because it's SO hard to find a rich guy these days! and i'm not charming enough! i would love to though! LOL JUST KIDDING. i really don't want to lose my....self-respect? like, if i become some tai-tai, i become a VASE. my opinions become secondary to my rich husband's. it isn't an EQUAL marriage anymore. and research shows, the less balanced the marriage is, the more prone to divorce it is. i see so many marriages around me, where the woman married rich. the marriages are soooooooooo dysfunctional. I WANT NORMALCY. yes. sorry i cannot be concise but the main topic sentence of this paragraph is basically just I WANT NORMALCY AND A HAPPY MARRIAGE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON MY HUSBAND TO BRING HOME THE BACON. AND NORMAL SWEET CHILDREN. if i don't live with integrity, how can i expect my children to? ANYWAY, back to my MAIN entry, which is the whole epiphany thing....

i am SO fucking sick of hearing my dad say I'm exactly like my mum. it makes me so sick I cry every single time the thought crosses my mind. I even teared up while typing that previous sentence WTF.

it's just not a nice thing to hear. that I resemble the woman my dad would rather forget.

i feel BAD for looking the way i do and behaving the way i do and laughing the way i do, although i know it's not my fault. i'm a walking bottle of SALT for my dad's wounds. he loved her so much....i will never know how much my mum loved him. but my dad loved her so SO much.

my dad and i.....i love him. i love him. he loves me, but he hates who I am. everything I do, gets on his nerves, because i'm a fucking carbon copy of my mum.

not many people can understand the weight that that puts on my shoulders.

i respect my mum too. she has a proper job. a proper marriage. my mum's a stable career woman who seems to take good care of her children to boot. trust me, i don't detest the thought of being like her.



it's just....EVERY move I make, i make with the thought, "does this seem like something my mum would do?" in my mind. it's my first priority. i have to make sure i'm as different as possible, only that way will not only my dad, but will I see that it's okay to be me.

i don't blame my dad. he's one of the best fathers a girl could have. i tell him all my secrets, i show him to all my friends because i love him so much and am so proud of him for being my rock, my pillar of strength, the only one who is ALWAYS there for me.

it's just....i would like to be someone else, someone who looks and talks different, someone who THINKS different, just so my dad doesnt have to feel such misery whenever he even LOOKS at me.

ok i digress.

the point is, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK UP A MARRIAGE. i would rather DIE than become a divorcee. i will do ANYTHING i can in my power to not be a metaphorical walking bottle of salt. i refuse to hear th statement, "ugh. just like your mother", YET AGAIN.


ok so like you're probably wondering how this is relevant to my first point about the boy tragedy and whatnot.

well the thing is, i always carried the mindset that i should have my share of true love now so that I can marry in peace to whoever will bring me peace in future, without wondering if my love was still out there.
basically, i wanted to find my EPIC love, then fuck it up so i could remember how badly epic love hurts, so i could develop an aversion to passion and thus marry the guy who would make me content, instead of euphoric/suicidal.

i don't know if i'm making sense, i know i don't sound very coherent but it's something i can't describe.

ok, like if you learn psychology, what i'm trying to do to myself is the classical conditioning thing. I pair passion with such misery that i develop an aversion to passion and instead run to the safer option. YEAH that sounds so much clearer.

LOL omg but the guy i was emo-ing about, no no no, he wasn't my epic romance. nahhhhhh. he was....sigh i don't know. maybe he could have been. but we ended way too fast so like. THANK GOODNESS hahahaha. if not i'd be sooooooo much more screwed up. these types of things aren't healthy.

i haven't found my epic romance yet, but what i'm trying to say is (i know i keep digressing but this time i'm getting to the point FOR REAL LOL), I'M GONNA STOP LOOKING.

for those who're very puzzled by my stance cause they believe it's possible to have both passion and stability, LOL NO I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE. AT ALL. okay maybe at first. but research also shows that passion fades after 6 months!!!! after that it's just companionship and deeper emotional attachment, which is really happy i'm sure, i'm just saying you won't get "butterflies" anymore, i don't think.

every time i get hurt by an epic romance "omg he's my soulmate" sort of thing, i give myself additional baggage.

then, 10 years down the road, when i'm married, i'm gonna like, unintentionally start stupid arguments with my poor sweet (he WILL be sweet) future husband, who will have to deal with all my crazy baggage, even though he doesn't deserve to, cause he will have been nothing but nice (trust me, with 5 uncles and like almost exclusively male cousins, there's NO WAY i'm gonna marry a douche).

and who knows? one day he may find himself unable to carry all of my baggage.
then he'll walk. just like my dad did.