Monday, January 31, 2011

stuttering


feeling very camwhorey. i don't feel ashamed for putting such a picture up, because even if other girls don't put them up, i know that other girls camwhore too. who doesn't?!

so yeah, token camwhore shot. not sure if i've used this one already, it's quite old. about a month old. i only like this cause i'm kinda emo-child in it. i'm usually smiling. this is a change. idk if i look bad when i don't smile, but yeah this is kinda what i look like. if i'm very sleepy. and hungry.

karina pasian

I Know That You've Been Calling Me,
And I'm happy that we met.
Don't think that I'm not interested.
I'm just playing hard to get

[Bridge:]
So much about this crazy game they call love
That I'm trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I?

[Verse 2:]
You seem to know just what you want
And I like your confidence
Some things a girl should never rush
Cause If you do you hurt yourself

[Bridge:]
So much about this crazy game they call love
I'm still trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I

[Breakdown:]
I'm too young for tears in the night
And it's to soon for this to be right
Don't wanna mess with your pride
The questions not when but why

[Hook:]
Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
I Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't... I





yeah. about sums it all up.
story of girls' lives. 
we get swept off our feet, then we get all stressed cause everything's going too fast.
i think i like this song.


but right now i'm quite chill. taking a break. 


for those of you who don't know, i've been holidaying in canada. vancouver, victoria, banff(!!).


tomorrow: calgary.


then: edmonton, new york, hongkong.


then i will finally be back home. although i'm not so sure i want to be. i'm having fun avoiding the realities of daily life.


countless photos, didn't take any of the rockies though cause i can't exactly carry a camera while zooming down a fluffy white mountain? 


sunshine village yesterday had awesome powder snow, i could make turns and slow down so i had good control, and we all know control is very important. when we don't feel a sense of control, we get scared, so we get tense. then of course we FALL on our asses. 


i had the fright of my life today at lake louise though. not enough snow, so it was pretty icey. so i ended up just literally zooming down the slope. i had to fall to stop myself from crashing into a tree. pretty fucking terrifying. i've always fancied myself as a decent skier, and i guess i am, but like. dude, turn on the freakin' snow machine. it's dangerous when there isn't enough snow, cause when i try to turn or brake, i end up twisting my ankle and falling. CAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH SNOW for the skis to push into to stop/slow down. i'm sorry i'm not awesome enough to be able to deal with it, but i'm on easy and intermediate, i shouldn't have to know how to parallel turn and zoomzoom down a slippery slope omg. that's black diamond standard.


today was the first time i ever fell while skiing. i'm just thankful i only twisted my ankle. i'm thankful i didn't fly off the ramp, at least my skis maintained contact with the ground.




scary scary.


side note: next time i'm just gonna stick to skiing in japan/korea, cause at least then i'll have cute azn boys to gawk at (not while actually skiing of course!!! that's dangerous, kids.) here all angmooooo. i mean they're cute la. but that's it? damn sian one. then i don't like staring cause i don't wanna have any involvement in the whole colonialist SPG thing going on. what if i stare then the angmoh boys think, "of course she wants me, she's asian. they're all cheap sluts who want white boys." EEEEEE. 


i'm not racist! i just don't want to have any part in fueling the "chinese slut" stereotype.


i digress. took so many peekchas!!! idk which to upload on my blog. i'll just like, put them on facebook, then the most liked ones shall be posted on here as well mmkay ^^


idk if ashywashybambam reads this, but if he is: ashes don't be hatin', you're always going to europe!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

n`1

okok. i know i suck, my blog always damn emo one.

happy post number ONE.

my life is awesomezxz.
idk.
i....am.....walao sian.

i have a lot of things to be grateful for, but i don't know what to be HAPPY about.

maybe i'm happy about a certain boy. but that falls under grateful cause i'm grateful he feels the same.

i don't know man. hahahaha. i'm so confused. i'm happy i have all 4 limbs, but...shouldn't that fall under the "i'm grateful for..." list too?

maybe instead of "i'm happy that..." i should be aiming for "i'm happy". just "happy". inner peace. without condition or context.

but how to random random happy? like damn weird?

i swear i'm a very cheerful person in real life. but i'm just not happy lor. not right now. not when i'm sitting alone, at home, spam-blogging wtf.

maybe if i were blogging while i was with him, or out with someone, i'd sound happier. cause i'd be happier at that moment.

how to make happiness last?

i wanna bottle it up and drink it without having to deal with a hangover the next day.

http://yankaykay.net/2011/01/photoshop-101/


knn i also wanna look so chio la. she like some damn pretty thai girl. i have this thing for thai girls.
the picture damn nice. hahahaha makes me want a pair of irregular choice shoes.
pls someone buy me a pair thanks ^^

Sunday, January 16, 2011

potato

just to clarify:

i do love the friends i have.
i do appreciate them being there for me.

i just would rather not need anyone to be there for me.
i need, and it SUCKS that i need.

because no one is capable of being there for someone else 24/7.
and i'm a demanding self-centred girl who isn't satisfied with anything less than 24/7.

you can be there for me 22/7 and i'll only remember the 2 hours that you weren't.
cause like i said, i'm a bad person that way.

so don't trust half the things i say on my blog. everyone in my life is awesome. i'm just never satisfied.

empathising isn't my forte, being a brat is.

tomato

so those of you who're in the know probably are aware of the recent change in my life. it's a drastic change, but like always, i'll survive.

i thank my dad. i thank him for raising me to become who i am today. i may not be the best daughter around, but he's taught me to survive, to tolerate, to understand. he regularly berates me for being too naive or too nice, but i really don't think that's a bad thing. yeah, i'll always be disappointed, i'll always be heartbroken, i'll always be on the losing end. so what?

i make people laugh. i'm understanding to a fault. i'm there for people who aren't really there for me. i don't know why, and i hate myself for being this way. i hate this part of myself as much as my dad does. i hate always being the giver. i hate being tossed aside once my friend isn't free and has better things to do with her time. i hate caring.

but like i said: so what?

i'll always be the one crying. i'll always be the one who listens to my friend whine about her ex-boyfriend. i'll always be the one left hanging when she decides she's whined enough and she doesn't need me anymore.

but so what, because i don't need anyone.

each of my friends knows pieces of my life. enough pieces to paint me a cliche. a walking tragedy of money-gone-wrong. enough for people to semi-understand why I'm always wallowing in a pit of self-pity. no one knows my entire life story. not really. i will never tell anyone because simply put, people judge. i'll spend my entire life repenting for mistakes that weren't mine.

i don't like blogging seriously because every single one of my posts is filled to the brim with self-pity. if it isn't self-pity, it's deprecation. i don't know why. i like putting myself down before others get the chance to do so. i like bathing in self-pity because i don't want other people to pity me. i seek solace in blogging i guess.

i don't want to need anyone. you place your heart in someone else's hands, who knows what they might do with it?

i'd rather be the one being needed, the one being called to whine to, the one understanding, the one empathizing (that's my forte), the one giving advice,
than the one running everywhere just to seek solace in another.

i used to give a little piece of myself to each and every one of my close friends. but then they stop needing me so they disappear, or they're done unloading and don't realise maybe i have shit to say too, so they disappear, then i cry. so i don't anymore. i listen with sincerity and "unconditional positive regard" (as Rogers says is essential when counseling someone), but i don't talk much anymore.

because everyone has their own set of problems. everyone has their own shit to deal with. you're fucking delusional if you think anyone's gonna truly understand or care. i will never truly understand the brevity of the situation if my friend's mother has just passed away. i will empathize but i will never truly understand. i will also fail to understand someone's misery if he told me his father just got sent to jail. all we can do is empathize.

seeking empathy is seeking a temporary respite. it gives a false sense of comfort and security. it's momentary. i'm majoring in psychology. our mantra is to let shit out. it's one of the golden rules of therapy. people can't heal themselves if they don't verbalize their issues first. but i rarely do that. it's ironic, really, but probably common among psychologists. they listen, but they never talk.

i refuse to paint myself in a fantastic "lone ranger" light. i do always call my friends and whine to them about my problems. but i don't ever ever say what lies beneath or how i feel about this certain problem. but of course, my friends never notice this because they're busy trying to put themselves in my shoes and imagining how they'd feel if they had been put in my situation. people will listen to what you say, but they rarely question  what you don't. so it's a trick i've learnt over the years. i don't like revealing my deepest feelings because they show who i am: a horribly self-centred person. and i'm deathly afraid of judgment.

but yeah. i don't really have a point. this post is, like all the others, scattered and illogical, maybe even pointless. yes, i know it shows me to be a very disorganized person.

i don't know. i say that a lot. i don't know what i'm trying to express, i don't know.

i only know that i'd rather deal with my own shit and move on. i'll always rely on others to help me out of tricky situations because i'm absolutely incapable of independence. so don't get me wrong. i'm not like, a solid, noble, self-supporting person, much as i wish i was. i just don't want to give my heart away.

last night, i confided in a girl i never thought i'd confide in. drunk as i was, i still remembered to censor my confessions. i always do. but anyway. yeah. and it feels bad because now it feels like i can't clean my own shit up and i'm whining. i don't like being this person that people pity. and who knows if she'll tell others, maybe even exaggerate things?

next thing i know, people are gonna pity me. or they'll realise what a mistake they made being friends with me and then they'll walk away.

then it's fucking game over.



P.S. - if you're reading this, just know that this is what i mean when i said "unsure". i don't like how you make me feel. i feel like i need you, and i hate being the needy girl. because guys hate needy girls. you'll get scared and walk away. i've also never been needy. it's one of my few strong points. so you taking that away, scares me.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

garypepper

i love this photo. nicole warne is awesome.