pictures from a month ago.

 picturessss. they aren't on facebook. well they are but only those of us who were there that evening can view them. hehehehehe. i figured might as well upload now since i'm at it. hahaha. 

i cannot stress this enough: i don't see anything wrong with smoking. but i don't do it.

official trinity ball after-party / halloween.

so i had to change into my halloween gear at the prom venue and rush there in a jiffy. so yeah, that's pretty much why my costume = fail. hahaha. wasn't really a costume at all! was aiming for the "zombie wife who got suffocated by drowning in her jewels, death by consumerism" look, but i don't think i made it obvious enough ):

anyway, pictures:

from left: bryan, me, ray, nach, jo, ben (: some of the best people ever!

eleanor the sexy beast but for halloween she's a sexy devil haha. and jo again!

nachhhh!

from left: poony the ever-adorable, sexy devil, mins (oh how lovely her sweet nature), me, irene my loverrrr. there are nary any pics of me with irene so i'm a bitttt sad about that.

my favourite pic of the night, not just cause i look relatively cool here, but also cause it's funny, the whole juxtaposition of my cool pose against ayako ownin' the club with her "i be sexy drunk" fist-pumping drunk-screaming-squealing ways. i just find the juxtaposition v funny. one of those, "you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried" pictures.

NO MORE!! ^^

prommy prom prom

title is self-explanatory i believe?

i'm not gonna upload many prom pics simply because i had way too much makeup on and i look like a tranny ghost in all the pics. the ones taken at the afterparty aren't so bad cause clubs have more flattering lighting somehow? I don't know! hahaha. but i'll be separating them into different posts. easier that way.

but all in all, it was a magical night. the most fun i've had in a long while.

picture time!!

whitney! one of the nicest girls you'll ever meet. really smart too!! 

anh!! my cutie patootie drama group mate! i'm playing her and she's playing me for our play. very challenging being as sweet and soft spoken as she is!

eleanor the sexy beast!

jessica!! yet another cutie patootie hehe. my eap and econs classmate. very good actress this girl is!! i saw her drama performance. was so blown away.

all the april accelerated intake folks!!! i love them!! well. actually only like half of us are in this picture. one quarter didn't attend prom and the other quarter of them had gone out to smoke while we, the non-smokers, were taking this picture haha.

uploading is a bit redundant though, cause like...you guys know my blog through my facebook page anyway. and these pictures are all already on my facebook page anyway. so. idk. i guess i do this for my ONE reader who doesn't use facebook, the ever-enigmatic PB?

yeah you may be looking at these pics and going "nah you don't look THAT bad". well, that's cause i chose the least fug ones. in some of them my face is white. like literally WHITE. way too much foundation that's way too light for my natural skin colour. plus drag queen eye makeup. oh for shame. could've been a night of beautiful snapshots of amazing memories. now all i can see in the pics are "OMG I LOOK LIKE A DRAG QUEEN".

just so you guys know, i look like this without any makeup on:

i don't think it's that bad!! maybe next time there's a party, i should just skip the foundation and eyeshadow.

guyz

i'm feeling fine. the song i just posted has nothing to do with how i'm currently feeling lol. i just really love jay park and it's an incredible song! (:

space

Brave Brothers & Jay Park | I Want To Cry [MV] (ENG SUB)

try

to understand how i feel.

what would you have done if you were me?

i don't care if others hate me, i stand by my decision and its merits.

i hope you understand.

trust me, i rarely do things without thinking.
sure, i have a hot temper and react quickly.
but this is different. i would never unknowingly set off a chain of events.
i'm perfectly aware of the ramifications of my actions.
i watch what i say and what i do,
i know nothing is ever secret.
i don't deserve half the teasing compliments of naivety that i receive.

there's not one word i write on my blog that i want to keep secret,
that would be defeating the purpose of my blog, wouldn't it?

sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind.
i won't feign grace. i won't feign kindness,
but i'm not being completely selfish, i'm not being totally thoughtless.
sometimes it's better this way.

i'd never carried fault wholly and squarely on my shoulders before.
i'd never taken the entire blame for anything before.

people may think me a bitch, they may think me a slut,
they may think me a heartless girl.
i honestly don't care.
i just, with all my heart, want happiness for you.

don't make me have played bitch for nothing.
be happy. be strong. be loved for who you are.

i'll say one thing

It hurt.

it's a hard fight; when you're in the limelight

Got this off chrissypoo's blog:

stunning.

On another note:

oh look at you

with your pretty unicorn

you dazzle all the ghosts

now their wings are clipped and gone

chained onto your smirk

they ain't never getting out

willows at your feet

you got everything you want.

maybe life's a bitch

maybe no one's perfect

but you sell yourself close

and everyone's buying it.

there ain't no other

who can do it like you

you go without a sound

never telling what you feel.

but babe watch your step

that's one-too-many hearts

you'll fall off your high horse soon

and i'll be there to laugh.

bring night

Hi!

So I don't really have much to say. I'm just like...blogging for the sake of it. I just got back from a day of Socrates and Aristotle at Leeper Library with Athari. She says she's going to University of Queensland next year. nooooo!! Brisbane's so far away ):

I made myself noodles in miso+egg soup. I stand by my statement that i make wicked soup! The only things I can really make are: soup and pancakes. Not bragging or anything - ah who am i kidding, i love bragging about my legendary pancake-making skillz - but my pancakes are mostly perfect. Oh and my omelettes/scrambled eggs are really fluffy too, even without any cream or milk! ^^

Sadly, I kind of suck at everything else.

Shit, I always do this to myself. I'm in the mood to study, then I switch the computer on. GAME OVER.

clap your hands if you're working too hard

hello guys,

I did a little bit of HOI just now while I was at the Frank Tate building with Athari, Poonz, and Arya(?)

Went to 7-11, got a shitty $1 cappucino.

I'm ready to stay up til 3am studying Psychology. I will not rest until I can memorize the chapter on memory (haha that's quite funny), word-for-freakin'-word.

I know i picked the wrong day to stay up late to study, since I have a 9am English Lit class which i CANNOT be late for - cause I'm always either absent or late for it so I seriously need to buck up if I want my participation marks - but hey, I don't control when the study mood hits! And it rarely hits, so i gotta strike while the iron is hot!


my current obsession:

lisztomania

i don't even really want to perform for prom anymore.
i'm not enthusiastic about much anymore.
and i hate how i lost the stupid game. i can't believe that just like that, it's all over.
i guess i'll never really know how you felt.

________________________________________________________________________________

seriously, a status war? really?
do you have to put everything on your profile, after texting me "(:" like as if you're fine with everything?
if you're seriously upset or something, you have the right to lash out at me, send me an angry text.
you have every right.
don't be a faker and send me a happy text then go emo about it all over facebook, saying something so obvious.

i refuse to engage in a status war.


_________________________________________________________________


omg guys, i'm so sorry, i think there was something wrong with my previous template, cause it was like perpetually ZERO comments. i started thinking i was a srsly shitty blogger. hahaha.

i JUST saw that i have like at least 1 comment per entry so....YAY? (:

thanksssss. AND SHIT HAHAHAHA WEIPING READS. SO RANDOM.

i haven't spoken to weiping in forever.....if you're reading this WP, PLS GET TWITTER LIKE NOW. I TALK TO ALL THE CJ PEOPLE THERE.

if you read my blog...

post on my facebook wall saying you read my blog or like, friend request me if you don't already have me on facebook!! my url is:

http://www.facebook.com/sibyl92


i'm doing this cause i wanna know who reads my blog. i want to know each and every one of you. i want to see all your faces, all you beautiful people!!!


if only like 5 people post on my wall, SERIOUSLY FML HAHAHAHAHA i can crawl into a hole and die of mortification. not cause i want that much attention, but cause then i would have severely overestimated my writing skillz and entertainment value. hahahaha.

and also cause then it shows no one cares about me OMG :'( HAHAHA jkjk.

thinkglitter also must post. make me feel loved ok rah, cause im very sure you and vicki are like the only 2 people who read this LOL. i iz sadz.

flutter-flutter

yah, sarah, i copy you, post picture + pensive entry LOL.

whatsapping jazreel and discussing our lackluster love lives made me come up with this:

be my love story
be my break-up make-up song
be my midnight tears
be my morning smile
be my everything
be my all.



i'm not quite sure if this is considered anything, like a poem or whatever, but they're just my thoughts and how i'm feeling right now. i guess the reason i haven't quite found a Heathcliff is quite simply, my overtly ardent desire for one. Murphy's law?

you'll be back

i don't think i've ever been so giddy, so desperate, so stupid.
oh the things i would do for you.
i wonder if i'm special at all,
or if you give every girl you meet a little piece of your soul,
just enough to make them think you care.

you own my heart

so i just read on rah's blog that like, if i get 90% and above for trinity, i have a shot at getting into cambridge.

like why the fuck did i not know this sooner?

i only need 82% to get into melbourne uni psychology, and i got 94% in the first semester, so i've been slacking like mad, cause there's no way i won't get in.

now my average is hovering in between 86 and 89 percent.

fuck me, why am i so easily satisfied? i was like "oh, no worries, YAY"

NOW, 3 weeks before exams, i realise if i hadn't let my grades slip, i'd be filling out application forms for the ivies and oxbridge, LIKE WTF?!

i am fucking cranky right now.




this, combined with my hopeless search for ___________.



it took you all of ten minutes to sweep me off my feet. and now you're gone, back in singapore doing god knows what.



on day 1, i fell in like.
on day 2, i tried to let go.
on day 3, i tried to erase the memories.
on day 4, i fell back in love.
on day 5, i realised i've lost you forever.
on day 6, my heart broke.



now it's day 7,

i wake up with you on my mind.
i go to school with you in my thoughts.
i beg god with you in my prayers.
i think of home with you in my wishes.
i go to sleep with you in my heart.





i pray i'll meet you again someday,
i can only hope that you'll still remember me.
my friends say "give up",
my brain says "there's no point".
but how can i stop,
when my heart whispers, "why the fuck not?"

i know my blog is very text-heavy and picture-light. hahahaha.

at least it loads faster if you're accessing this from your phone or something! :D




and also, i would load pics but i always feel v narcissistic doing so. maybe i should be more shameless at self-promotion.



but i think if i put up pictures of myself, my blog traffic will go from 5 to like ZERO LOL.




who the hell even reads my blog, seriously?!?!! ALWAYS ZERO COMMENTS.





but i don't expect attention so it's alright (:






i just blog to sort out the jumble in my mind.












my daddy bought me the chloe eau de parfum btw. I IZ HAPPY CHILD. cause i've been using vera wang since forever, decided to change. next up, FLOWERBOMB by viktor and rolf.



then when i'm 30 or something, i'll do some custom fragrance cause i don't wanna be like every other woman out there, drenched in chanel no. 5.


yeah i'm hooked on perfume, i feel naked if i leave the house without spraying some on. i do admit that sometimes i tend to (accidentally) overdo it, but it's always cause i'm in such a rush to leave the house, and i wanna finish it quick so i can buy a new one (hehe), i just spray everywhere. my room smells like vera wang too hehehe. rroves it.

/bimbo talk.

i won't try to act very emo or wax philosophical on this entry.

i'm just going to tell you all about my deep dark obsession: facebook stalking pretty girls.

yes, i remember my previous posts about mt disdain for girls who trap themselves in a cycle of self-hate by looking at torturous pictures of gorgeous people.

but yeah, i am one of those masochistic girls.

i won't name names, for fear of seeming downright creepy, but there are so many former acquaintances of mine, who i remember used to be so...normal, then they grew up and just BLOSSOMED. now they're all so gorgeous.

makes me feel v v inferior.

most of them are filthy rich too, to exacerbate our pain and feelings of inferiority.


sigh.



/rant



ON ANOTHER NOTE....


OMG SHINEE'S HELLO MV CAME OUT AND OMG I LOVE THEIR CURRENT CONCEPT!! NOT LOVING ONEW'S HAIR, BUT THIS IS SO REMINISCENT OF THE REPLAY DAYS. before all the tweenies came along and "hearted" ring ding dong and lucifer (both of which are very BLEAGH songs imo).



onew you rock my world
jonghyun too



and miss A's breathe is super catchy! loving FEI i think she's GORGE.


kiseop from U-kiss is mighty fine too.

SO MANY KPOP COMEBACKS THIS OCTOBER WOWZA. eggciting!




been talking v mucho to 'brenzter' and chris. both are very funny dudes. wonder why i never used to talk to them as much?!?!





i got back all my results from term 3 (except for psych). im happy with some, incredibly upset with others. guess i'll just have to buck up!




ya la i know, i'm rambling. it's 1am. cut me some slack. my room is a mess too idk how im gna sleep in it, since all my stuff's on my bed.


i'm sleepy.




goodnight world!










beach on saturday/sunday, not sure yet. depends on the weather. if it's hot, you may wanna shield your eyes, there'll be some very unflattering pictures of a certain fatty (me) in a swimsuit. GAH.

2am musings

I'm lying in bed, and the strange orange numbers glow: 2.38am.

Since when did I become so nocturnal?

Since the internet fucked up on me and I had to wait 3 hours to catch the last 15 mins of glee, that's when.

And guess what? the internet decided to shit all over me after fucking me upside down, by suddenly slowing the buffer rate down to like 1% per ten minutes. Then I'd experience 5 seconds of glee (pun intended) then the fucking buffer wheel would appear again.


So I'm fucking raging right now, with a throbbing migraine, unable to fall asleep due to this incorrigible bad temper of mine.

Yeah, this is one of my dirty secrets. I have an incurably horribly fast temper.

Once I forgive though, I don't hold grudges.

I've been reflecting, and I realise this is only true for trivial matters. When it comes to big matters of the heart and friendship stuff and all that emotional jazz, I bottle it up for as long as possible. I fear confrontation.

I only have a quick temper and throw a whinefest when I know it's about some inanimate object, thus avoiding offending anyone. I also dare to do it in public because I want people to know what a brat I am.

People may think, omg whiny bitch being bratty and shitting bricks when her problems are so small?

Well my dears, half of you haven't been through ths shit I've been through. I don't want to start comparing problems, but see the thing is,

I can and will never publicise my real problems. Those are the ones I'll bring to my grave.

So when I can't whine about those, I find little things to bitch about. Because let's face it, I love whining, so I find all sorts of shit to whine about, but only superficial shit that wouldn't get anyone into trouble.

And well, I can't stand being quiet. I need everyone to know I'm feeling discontent at that particular moment.

So bitches, shut the fuck up if you think I'm a brat who whines about every little thing. I am. I won't deny that. But at least I don't act all saintly and superior by waiting for people to ask "what's wrong?" Before (fakely) 'reluctantly' telling everyone what's wrong, the way some bitches do. And you don't know half my life. Don't assume that just cause I whine about the slow internet connection, it means I have no other deep-seated issues to discuss. I sure do, plenty, but I'll just never discuss them with you, condescending people who find this entry disconcerting.

okay so i haven't been blogging for quite a while, was down with a horrid flu and all. so, time for an update, i'm doing this cause i can't sleep anyway, so not used to having to sleep early and wake up early ugh i just KNOW i'm gonna be late for literature tomorrow morning.

so this entry has to properly convey what i'm feeling right now, while still maintaining the secrecy of the matter. cryptic but not too cryptic. that's gonna be hard but i guess i'm gonna try, like i said, can't sleep anyway.

so lately i've been testing my boundaries. i've been doing tons of things i've never done before. i've been places i've never been before. i hadn't spent a single day completely alone in ages, not meeting any friends or anyone else.

this week i finally did it. i cooped myself up at home and SWITCHED OFF MY PHONE.

being an only child, i thrive on being alone. i'm never lonely when i have a good book to read or whatever. friendships, for me, are real when even after a year or two of not seeing each other, we can pick up right where we left off. friendship is something we have to put effort into, for sure, but it's not something we have to "guarantee" by spending every day together. doesn't work like that.

anyway, back to my week in (pseudo) isolation (it wasn't total exile only cause my dad was here).

i know, some may say books are no substitute for reality, they hinder my social development and what not. who knows, they may have. if not for books, i may be a social butterfly and not my current whacked-out eccentric self. but i wouldn't be right.

see, reading for me isn't about escaping my current situation, avoiding my problems, living vicariously through characters, or choosing the company of a swashbuckling romantic hero over that of real-life friends. or maybe it is, but definitely not for any of those purposes in and of themselves.

reading is how i take a break from everyone else. i love my friends, i love everyone, and i do love and cherish the internet, but once in a while, i don't want to be connected to everyone, having to constantly talk to them and send them instant, appropriately short messages to sufficiently convey my preoccupation with something else whilst maintaining a touch of intimacy.

i got multiple texts from a few people who got worried cause i hadn't replied them within a few hours or something. i realised how hard it is to turn off your phone for an entire day without at least making a dent on certain relationships, between friends or otherwise.

but it led me to a more important conclusion, one which i'd always known but never quite grasped the ramifications of: i'm a hermit.

i love being alone. i love meeting up with friends, but sometimes, in fact most of the times, if they didnt ask me out, i would be perfectly HAPPY being alone. not just contented, HAPPY. i never quite understood the sentiments of people who can't stand being alone at home, they see a persistent need to fill their days with....nothingness.

anyway, i can't preach cause everyone's different and awesome in their own ways. i'm just saying i don't really understand that point of view, thats all. so. i digress. back to point.

i was quite upset when fate prevented me from spending time with a certain group of very nice people whom i really wanted to spend more time with. but it occurred to me: i would probably never truly be one of them, no matter how hard i tried. i know building friendships takes time, but i guess i've never had to try so hard before. maybe i did, with MCP, but that was when i had absolutely nothing to do after O levels, so i was free to stick to them like GLUE, jumping at each and every opportunity to meet them and further the development of my friendship with those kindred folk. of course, MCP are some of my closest friends now. the effort was all worth it.

but this current bunch is a bit harder to crack. i don't know. i just don't seem to be able to fit in with them, my presence always sticks out like a sore thumb. everything i want to say doesn't seem right upon much consideration, so i rarely say much. and fate has a way of preventing me from joining their fun outings and such.

i then started whining (in my head of course, i don't wanna come across as completely mental now do i?), WHY IS IT SO HARD?

then i asked myself, SHOULD IT HAVE TO BE HARD?

some say it's supposed to be effortless, some say that's bull. i obviously don't know the answer, which is why i've just written a long-ass spiel with no sensible conclusion, i just went around the mulberry bush, one big round. duck duck duck duck duck and no goose to be found.



anyway, my point (i actually can't remember if i even have a point to make anymore, but to save this post from sounding like a complete waste of your time, i shall insert some semblence of a logical ending to it)

is

i went without them, and i seem fine. i'm sad but i'm not incredibly upset or anything. i went without ANYONE but my dad for days on end, and i'm FINE. so i clearly don't NEED that many friends, few people probably do. but why my eagerness to make more and more friends? i don't know. i always jump ahead of myself, imagining myself having a fun dinner with people i've just met. in my mind, everyone could be a potential new good friend! oh how naive i am.

i always fail to realise that they may want nothing more than a "hi" from me. they may like me as a fairweather friend, they may not see me as able to become anything more than that.

and i can't help but wonder, is it them? or me?